tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35376349354443599712024-03-05T02:43:46.136-05:00View from Down HereTales from the vertically challengedviewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.comBlogger938125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-6433530062800767312014-12-31T16:08:00.002-05:002014-12-31T16:08:26.519-05:00The End and Beginning<center style="text-align: left;">
In just a few hours another year will end and a new one will begin. Everywhere you hear about new beginnings, resolutions, changes people want to make with the start of a brand new year. Normally I am one of those people shaking my head saying it will never happen. However, what I have to say now goes so far from my norm, and I am afraid I have become one of those people. </center>
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The year 2014....well....it sucked. It just did. I see all of my friends on Facebook making those cute little 'year in review' movies about how great 2014 was, and honestly, I could not see myself ever making one of those because I spent a great part of the year struggling and dealing with things I never thought I would face. Did 2014 end that way? Not by any means. In fact, the latter part of the year has been nothing but blessings. I made that change, you see, way before December 31st. It was more like September 30th. </center>
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I am closing this blog because of a new step I have made in my life. I finally did what always had been considered a pipe dream in my mind, something I have wanted to do but always thought it would never happen and was impossible. I started my own solo law practice. I am my own boss. And I love it.</center>
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However, with starting my own practice and representing clients as well as going up against people who may not always like me or wish pleasant tidings to me and my family, I have decided that it would be in T's and Aubrey's best interests if I shut down this blog. It has been an honor to share my heart and my life with all of you, but now that I am out in this field, some things are best kept private. In fact, I was debating not having a blog at all, but the problem is - I love writing and I love opening up. I know so many professionals out there who do just that but do so in an appropriate manner. So that is what I have chosen to do.</center>
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If you do want to learn more about my law practice, please feel free to visit my <a href="http://alainasullivanlawoffice.com/">site</a>. I am so excited about what this new change will bring, and I am focusing on faith, not fears as I start this new year. Hence the name of the new blog: <a href="http://faithnotfears.blogspot.com/">Faith, Not Fears</a>.</center>
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I hope for those of you who have kept up with my blog (despite the lack of activity since September) will follow me into this new venture. I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for reading, for your comments and support through so much. So much has changed since I started this blog in May 2010. I got married. We built a house. I had a baby. I lost someone very close to me. I struggled with postpartum depression and opened up about my fears as a new mother. I changed jobs. I made mistakes. I laughed. And I was blessed. I am truly honored for those of you who have been with me all of the way. Thank you!</center>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-5750979313865955642014-09-30T17:01:00.000-04:002014-09-30T17:01:16.059-04:00My movie virgin<center style="text-align: left;">
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My husband must have never watched movies growing up. Seriously, he has seen pretty much
nothing. Ever. I knew this going into our relationship, but
sometimes it just hits me just how sheltered from movies he has been.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The man has never seen the Wizard of Oz or any part of Gone
with the Wind. Granted, Gone with Wind
is not exactly a “guy” movie, but still it’s a classic. Shawshank Redemption? Never seen it. Hell, the movie is played all the time on TBS
or TNT on weekends, isn't it? Granted, I know that most of our weekend time is
spent watching Disney or Sprout PBS, but still….did he ever watch TV or movies
in high school or college?<o:p></o:p></div>
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None of the Oceans 11 series. I was the one who introduced him to Airplane!
when we first started dating. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The other night we were watching Dancing with the Stars
(well, no, I was watching it and T was begrudgingly trying to ignore it), and
the theme was movie night. One of the
movies featured was Ghost. He had never even
heard of it. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Tommy Chong (yes, of Cheech and Chong) danced to a “Scent of
a Woman” theme. This is my husband’s
response:<o:p></o:p></div>
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“What is this movie? Does the woman smell? What is this
movie about?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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I turn and stare at him, not responding.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The one that shamed me the most was Back to the Future
one. The actress who played Loraine, the
main character’s mom, is on the show so of course she danced to “Power of Love”
by Huey Lewis. T starts making fun of the song: “What movie plays Huey Lewis
and the News?” “T, it’s in the movie – very important.” So I try explaining who
she is and what the movie’s plot was as T gives me a blank stare. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Have you ever seen the movie?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“No.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“But wait, you laughed at my cousin’s joke about the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DeLorean_DMC-12">DeLorean</a>. That’s a
movie reference. Did you get it?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“I knew it was in the movie.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Yeah but you can’t laugh at a movie reference when you don’t
even know what it’s about.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Then I turn to him and ask “what kind of bomb shelter did
you grow up in? Did you even <i>own</i> a
TV? Did you leave the house?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m not sure he can be saved. I thought we could make a list
and check-off movies as we see them, but I am not even sure there’s enough time
to handle such a task. It’s insurmountable. <o:p></o:p></div>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-21336972884042643962014-09-29T16:56:00.005-04:002014-09-29T16:56:59.515-04:00Pumpkins with our pumpkin<center style="text-align: left;">
Sunday we took Aubrey to the pumpkin patch because, as she put it every time she saw a pumpkin "Aubrey got no pumpkins." It was a nice Indian summer day (note the shorts) so we headed out to collect three pumpkins. One small for Aubrey, medium one for Mommy and big pumpkin for Daddy. All the rain this year must have been kind to the pumpkin crop because we got some pretty nice ones. Of course, they were heavy, and Aubrey thought she would help Daddy haul them to the car...</center>
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We had fun playing around the pumpkin patch/apple orchard. They have a petting zoo, rides and other little things for kids to do (and parents to spend money, of course). Aubrey had a good time, and that's all that counts. This smile...<br />
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She LOVED the cider. We each got a little cider jug, and she downed hers pretty quickly. I love this picture, btw...<br />
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Anyway, so we have been going to this place since I was first pregnant with Aubrey, and every year, we take a picture at the same place. It did not start off like a tradition or anything, but it has kind of worked its way into one. Looking through these pictures, it's amazing how things change and how the time flies. I believe somewhere around six months pregnant with Aubrey....</div>
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I don't have one from 2012 but this was us at the pumpkin patch then...</center>
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Aubrey and Mommy 2013....</center>
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Aubrey and Mommy 2014....</center>
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She has gotten so big! Hopefully we will keep this up as she gets older, though I doubt she will always want to get a picture with good old Mom. </center>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-58969651922070930182014-09-27T17:45:00.001-04:002014-09-27T17:45:51.927-04:00Where do I go from here?<center style="text-align: left;">
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Monday morning I will be doing something that I have not
done in about twenty years. I will not
be going to work. Not because I’m sick
or on vacation, but because…well…I don’t have a job. <o:p></o:p></div>
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By choice, mind you.
I’m not going into it because I am a professional, and I do not under
any circumstances talk about my employment at all but I had to make a decision
that was hard, took a lot of thought and was the right thing for me to do. However, I did it without the big thing I
always have in the past – I did not have a job waiting for me. I won’t go into why either, but that’s not
what matters to me at this point. What
matters to me is….<o:p></o:p></div>
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What the hell do I do Monday?<o:p></o:p></div>
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I have worked since I was basically 12 and started
babysitting, then working at Baskin Robbins, daycares, and so on…I don’t think
(aside from first year of law school) I have ever NOT been employed. Hell, I worked when I was studying for the
bar exam. So this is something that
scares the hell out of me. I worked during my maternity leave, for God’s
sake! <o:p></o:p></div>
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I am struggling with the feeling that I am letting my family
down, and I am not going to lie that I am freaking out like you would not
believe. I am fortunate, however, that I
am in a two-income household, and also, I do have my writing. I’m not raking it in by any means but I am
bringing in something. But still…<o:p></o:p></div>
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Friday night and Saturday morning found me quickly applying
for various freelance writing opportunities until T essentially pulled me away
from the computer and told me to stop and take a breath. That and think. It is going to be hard, yes. It is going to suck, yes, but I need to take
this time to breathe and take care of myself, as well. I did not just get mono for absolutely no
reason, after all. “You can start
looking for writing gigs and then permanent jobs on Monday.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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What am I going to do?
That is a whole other post for another day. For now, I am taking as many freelance
opportunities I can and potentially doing contract legal positions as I do some
real soul searching. I need to decide
what it is I really want to do. I need
to find something that actually makes me happy.
For so long I have jumped from job to job because I had to and because I
needed that immediate income. But none
of those jobs were right for me, and what did that bring me? A resume’ with lots
jobs for short periods of time, and I never wanted that. So I have some serious thinking to do, but a
lot of writing in the process. <o:p></o:p></div>
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And I’ll be damned if I sit on the couch watching daytime TV
all day.<o:p></o:p></div>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-76733780154165690642014-09-13T12:01:00.002-04:002014-09-13T12:01:32.519-04:00In the Wiggle house<center style="text-align: left;">
I was doing so well with writing posts! Darn it, what happened? Oh right. Life. Anyway, a lot has happened since I last posted. One of those being we got free tickets from Aubrey's daycare and got to see....</center>
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Yep, that's right. The Wiggles! Me, Nain - the person who never in a million years thought she would go to something like this - voluntarily went into an auditorium of toddlers dancing to kid's music. But I did it for her, because this face was worth it:<br />
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Dude, she was excited. When we first told her that she was going to see the Wiggles, I'm not sure she understood until we got there and they actually came out on stage.<br />
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Did you guys know that they have a girl Wiggle now? And she's pretty talented, too. I have to admit they did put on a good show. This concert was not one of those either where they make you wait and go on stage like 30 minutes late. Nope, not when you are dealing with toddlers. You start on time and end before 8:00. <br />
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She was mesmerized, especially during the ballerina part where the girl Wiggle (Emma) and another ballerina danced. I'm thinking someone is going to be a ballerina for Halloween. She loved it.<br />
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It was a weeknight, and logistically with T coming from Columbus and me working downtown with the concert being at 6:30 downtown, it was a nightmare but we pulled it off and it was SO worth it just to see her smile like this. <br />
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So Aubrey has been to her first concert and the young age of two, and it was so much fun. If only I could stop singing the damn songs now..</center>
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Fruit salad! Yummy Yummy!</center>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-36276116489559474832014-09-01T21:58:00.002-04:002014-09-01T21:58:28.001-04:00Blessed weekend<center style="text-align: left;">
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We’re wrapping up this much-needed long weekend, and I am
telling you I could so go for just one more day. Not just one more day with a child in my
presence, however, but just one more day.
Of sleep. Glorious sleep.</div>
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<o:p></o:p>We had T’s family down from Michigan this weekend, and any
time family visits is always a super fun time but also exhausting. Aubrey was in heaven seeing her Grandpa and
Nana, and I’m not going to lie…it was nice having someone to entertain the kid
every now and then, though Mommy was still in high demand. We even met up with my parents at a local
winery for an Irish band concert and wine, so Aubrey was spoiled by both sets
of grandparents. The parents stuck around
for a fire pit that night, so it was a lot of good bonding time with the
parents and children. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I love watching how
close Aubrey is with both of her grandparents.
I want her to have that good relationship like I did with my own
grandparents. So it makes my heart so
happy to see her loving all over her grandparents. She was in her element, too. The kid was so hyper it was ridiculous. At one point I considered putting a stake in
the grass outside and tethering her so she could just run around and get the
energy out. In that respect, it will be
good to have things get back to normal with school and what not. <o:p></o:p></div>
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It is funny because I imagine T’s parents were more than
ready to leave come Monday evening. They
love Aubrey, I know, but they also do not live with a toddler full-time. I am guessing they longed for that peace and
quiet, no matter how much they love spending time with her. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I do feel blessed T and I have good relationships with both
sets of parents, and I know we are lucky in what we have. It really makes you step back and just
realize what you have through these little moments like watching your daughter
hug your mom or hold her Nana’s hand as she walks to the car. Or tell her Grandpa to stop hammering because
his hammering noise was scaring her pee pee as she sat on the potty. Or watching her lay her head on my dad’s lap
after a busy and warm afternoon outside.
It is those moments. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Or it is those moments where she gives you a big hug and
tells you “you’re my friend.” Those
moments are pretty damn good too. <o:p></o:p></div>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-63874119325619450702014-08-29T11:59:00.000-04:002014-08-29T11:59:00.314-04:00Just Mommy and me....<center style="text-align: left;">
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I have been told that the things your children will cherish when they grow up are not the things you bought them or how much money you spent on them but the things you did with them and memories you created. I really do believe this is true.</center>
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Monday Aubrey was pretty sick so we did spend the entire day in the house resting and watching TV (see previous posts), but on Tuesday when I had to stay home and eat a vacation day because of the daycare 24 hour rule, I wanted to make the most out of it and get out of the house. I didn't want to keep her cooped up only watching TV all day. However, the summer weather has finally hit in Indiana so going outside wasn't a great idea, given how sick she was on Monday. We did try to go out first thing in the morning for a bit - riding her tricycle and wagon to the playground where we were disappointed to discover all of the slides were wet from rain and morning dew. So we went home and headed to the library and read books and played trains for awhile before lunch and "nap." (Note: no sleeping took place. Axl Rose tore up her room again but at least it was not poop on the walls mess. I'll take it.)</center>
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After "nap," I got the idea to go get some frozen yogurt or "ice cream" from what I told Aubrey because she would have no idea what the difference was but lactose intolerant mommy sure would. So we went to one of those serve yourself yogurt places. She loved it, as you can see by the photo below. I asked her what she wanted - pink ice cream and sprinkles. Mommy got cake batter (YUM) with white chocolate chips. And don't be fooled by the bowl in the picture. They had one cup only so no way did I fill up that giant cup for either of us. But we had a Mommy/Aubrey day and had fun, heading home for me to do some writing. But I decided to put the laptop away when I heard a sweet voice say "come play with me, Mommy!" How can you say no to that? We ran around the house and played under the dining room table with the Magna Doodle. I loved every minute of it. And I wouldn't have gotten to do it had it not been for that 24 hour rule. So good things do come out of not-so-great things.</center>
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Wednesday night as we were getting her ready for bed, I said to T that Aubrey and I bonded the day before, and he asked Aubrey "did you bond with mommy?" She turned to him and said "uh-huh, we got ice cream. I got pink and Mommy got orange." So clearly that meant something to her, too, even if at only 2 years old. </center>
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That's all I needed to hear. And this smile? A picture says a thousand words, doesn't it?</center>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-54068291986971377272014-08-28T00:00:00.000-04:002014-08-28T00:00:03.040-04:00But you only have one<center style="text-align: left;">
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A stigma is out there regarding people who choose to only
have one child. I was not really aware
of it growing up as I was the youngest of three and always that that only
children had it so made because they got all of their parents’ attention and
got anything they want. Of course, that
misconception has quickly been erased now that I am the mother of an only
child. Home girl does NOT get whatever
she wants, let me tell you that. Anyway,
now that I am the mother of an only child, I now get the stigma. There’s a stigma for everything, though – oh
you didn’t breastfeed? Oh you had your
child via c-section? Oh you are sending
your child to private school? (Judge,
judge, judge)</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Anyway, where I’m going with this….<o:p></o:p></div>
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Since I have had Aubrey, I have heard the phrase or
statement of “Oh, trust me I understand…you only have ONE child. I have (insert number larger than one).” Or I even heard the statement of “you’re not
really a parent until you have more than one child.” Oh really?
I seem to have stretch marks that would beg to differ.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I am not sure why people think it is acceptable to make
these statements, and I am not sure on what basis they stem. I have come to realize that people say some really
stupid things without thinking over the course of my 33 years on this
planet. It does not mean it does not
sting just a bit when someone says it.
One of those most recent statements had to do with me having a hard time
leaving my child. “Oh trust me, I would
know. I had more than one child.” Okay, so does the difficulty in leaving one’s
child increase with the number of children you have? I have one child so surely I could not miss
my child as much as someone who has three, right? Or, I have a hard time leaving my child, and
I have only one child whereas if someone has more than one child and is
perfectly fine leaving his/her children, then there is something innately wrong
with me or that makes me weaker?
Oh. I didn’t realize. Noted for future reference.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I have gotten the statements of “oh, well, you have that
heart condition so it’s okay that you only have one. It’s for your health and safety.” Um, yeah, even if I didn’t have a health
condition, if I chose to have one child, that’s my and T’s business alone. I don’t need a justification. Nor do I need judgment. <o:p></o:p></div>
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A parent is a parent is a parent. Having Aubrey changed me forever. Yes, if I were to have another child, I would
be changed even more, I am sure. But I
do not believe for a second that if I were to have a second child, that would
make me more of a parent. I am a
parent. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I’ll put that right next to the statements of “well, when
you become a real attorney” when referring to my working at DCS or as a pro
bono attorney. </div>
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I’ll get off my bitch box now. <o:p></o:p></div>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-17168521729094296532014-08-27T00:00:00.000-04:002014-08-27T00:00:03.374-04:00Someone help me...stuck in cartoon hell<center style="text-align: left;">
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Oh, the 24 hour rule.
Your child has to be symptom free for 24 hours before returning to
daycare. I totally forgot about that,
and I felt just awful trying to drop Aubrey off at daycare yesterday
morning. (See yesterday’s post about
being mom of the year – go, Nain! Way to read that parent manual!) <o:p></o:p></div>
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I think in a way I was really wanting to drop her off
because the two of us need a break from each other. With it being so hot outside and her being
sick, we’ve been cooped up in the house. Monday involved a lot of television,
too, which I know, I know…it’s bad to have that much screen time but when your
kid just wants to lay around because she feels so terrible, some TV is just
what she needs. However, that meant
watching her shows over…and over…and over.
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We DVR the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse due to her obsession with
Mickey and Minnie, and we DVR the show called Super Why. Both of these shows are so much better than
Cailou so I really should probably not complain but I swear…I saw these
episodes two times each at minimum. And
with all of these shows, I had many questions that came to mind. Deep questions. Questions that you think only after watching
hours of mindless children’s television programming…<o:p></o:p></div>
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So Goofy is a dog, right?
And so is Pluto? So why can Goofy
talk and Pluto can’t? <o:p></o:p></div>
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Pete is a cat? (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse) He doesn’t even
resemble a cat. How in the hell is he a
cat?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Does Mickey ever stop smiling? Is it all of the Prozac that makes him
eternally happy? <o:p></o:p></div>
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Is it just me or does Mickey’s clubhouse look like a bunch
of dismembered body parts?<o:p></o:p></div>
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(Copyright Disney)<o:p></o:p></div>
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Are the Mickey characters adults or kids? <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So all of the trains on Thomas and Friends cause all of this
“confusion and delay,” but they clearly have conductors driving the trains so
what is the point of that? These trains
seem to just do whatever they want so those conductors seem to be just
unnecessary. If they really did anything
why wouldn’t they just stop the trains from doing stupid shit all of the time?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The Island of Sodor seems pretty dangerous with all of these
“accidents” these trains cause. A lot of
derailed cars, if you ask me. I wonder
how much insurance premiums are there?
How is Sir Topham Hat still employed?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Is Sir Topham Hat emotionally abusive to those trains? It’s a lot like North Korea there if you ask
me. And how did he become a knight? Who are those two men that just stand behind him like Secret Service wherever he goes?</div>
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They are so scared of ticking him
off and all they want to be is a “useful” engine. I sense some brain-washing. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So the Berenstain bears are talking, human-like bears but
they have pets like cats and dogs. How
is that possible? I mean, if one animal
can talk wouldn’t every other animal be able to do the same? <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Did you know there’s a show called Dog with a Blog? Seriously.
It is one of those Disney shows that is on after the Disney Jr.
stuff. For those of you who have been
with me for a while you know all too well that I absolutely hate things with
talking animals. So this show….yeah, I
hate it. Luckily I didn’t have to really
watch it. Thank God, but it better be
off the air when she’s at the age to start liking that stuff because I really
don’t have the patience for that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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That Sarah and Duck show….who is this creepy man that
follows them around (the narrator?)
Where are her parents? What’s
wrong with this kid that her only friend is a duck?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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And what happened to the original Wiggles? They have a girl now? When did that happen?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So yeah, I need to go back to work. This isn't healthy for me or Aubrey. The numbers of brain cells I have lost over
the past few days are going to take a while to replace. <o:p></o:p></div>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-60672878915826222132014-08-26T00:00:00.000-04:002014-08-26T00:00:02.462-04:00Mom of the year<center style="text-align: left;">
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Mom guilt. I hate
it. I used to hear my friends throw that
term around and think they were just being dramatic, but now that I’m there, I
totally get it. That guilt you have when
you leave your child at daycare all day?
Been there. That guilt that comes
along with not knowing something was very wrong at your child’s daycare? Yep. </div>
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<br /></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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And then there are the little things. I got my very first “you’re a mean mommy” the
other day after I took her toys that she was using to scratch at her door
during nap time even though I told her I’d take them away if she kept it
up. I was right in what I did, but man
that stung.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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This past weekend I was kind of striking out, as well. Aubrey gave me her monkey (luckily not a
prized possession like butterfly) to put in my bag while we went to the hair
salon, and I lost said monkey as Aubrey walks around the car going “Monkey? Where are you?” Yep, sorry kid. Mommy lost your monkey. (Of course, granted, the parent in me wants
to say this is why we don’t take our stuffed animals with us on errands…but
still…)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Yesterday Aubrey was sent home from school after throwing
up. She did this like 10 minutes after I
dropped her off. The thing was, she was
acting really puny and whiny before I took her, but it was hard to say why
because she’s been like that off and on every now and then, and she’s like her
Mommy in that she’s no morning person so I partially thought that could be
it. So I took her to school but told the
teacher when I dropped her off to let me know how Aubrey does because she’s not
acting like herself. So I kind of had a
suspicion I would get a phone call later.
Not 10 minutes into my ride, however.
But I drove away with that guilt of being that parent who takes her kid
to daycare even though the kid clearly doesn't feel good because she doesn't
want to ask off for work. I don’t want
to be that mom but at that point I kind of had to be that mom. And I hated that. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Then I was that mom who didn't realize that her child had
thrown up in the middle of the night. I
go in her room to do the customary stripping of the sheets and sanitizing
everything she could have touched and I step right in a pile of cold
vomit. Nice. Instantly I felt absolutely awful because how
in the hell could I have missed that? I
didn't even think to case the room when I got her up that morning. It didn't smell or anything either. She was in bed when I got in there, and the
vomit was behind the door. And then I
think back to Aubrey waking up around 11:30 last night crying and me telling T
to just let her put herself back to sleep because she wasn't crying that
badly. She had thrown up and I didn't go
help her. I didn't know, but I should
have known. Mom guilt. Granted, all that matters is she’s fine, but
her mommy didn't come help her when she needed it? I just left her alone? Ugh.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Luckily she’s feeling better, but I could use just a little
break from the mom guilt. I know, I
know, it doesn't go away…I’ll tell you this much, though – I have some mad
respect for all of those mothers who I did not believe when they talked about
mom guilt. I feel your pain. Props, ladies, mad props.<o:p></o:p></div>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-46483009565374050272014-08-25T00:00:00.000-04:002014-08-25T00:00:06.346-04:00Potty humor<center style="text-align: left;">
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are in the middle of potty training Aubrey, and it is
never without its dull moments. Like
most milestones with Aubrey (crawling, walking…) things are moving slowly,
which really means she knows how to do it but will do it on her own time. (No idea where she gets this stubborn thing!) So as you can imagine a lot of topics of
discussion at the Nain and T household are around the potty. I very rarely go to the bathroom, er, I mean
potty, now without company. It is kind
of nice, though, because I cannot remember the last time someone cheered for me
when I went to the bathroom. Go, Mommy!</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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She is also into the poop and farting thing. In that respect, I suppose she is a lot like
her Daddy. She’ll fart in the bath tub
and go “oh, big fart!” And they don’t
smell like roses, let me tell you.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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As gross as it is, too, she insists on seeing her poopy
pull-ups before I throw them out. She
has to see it. So disgusting. But I’ll tip the thing up so she can see her “accomplishment”
and she always goes “oh, BIG poop! I did
that!” Yep. Good for you, kid. You took a giant dump!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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She’s also somewhat of an old man in her routine. We will put her down for nap, and never fails
– she’ll poop. She does this at daycare,
too, apparently. So I’ll stall whatever
it is I want to do during her “naptime” and wait about 20 minutes only to go
back in there. Sunday, however, she did
not fall asleep even after that first change.
I come in her room to discover Axl Rose had destroyed the place,
clothes everywhere, and she somehow managed to pull her overnight diapers from
the dresser and they were everywhere.
The dresser, mind you. Four
drawer dresser. I have no clue how that
feat was accomplished, but I imagine it took a great deal of
determination. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I come in her room and lean to her level. “Aubrey, are you poopy again?” She looks at me ever-so-serious “I do one,
two poops! BIG poops!” Dead serious face, counting with her
fingers. It is so hard to not just crack
up in times like these. I mean, I do,
but still, I don’t want her to think we’re not taking her seriously. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But hey, she took one…two…BIG poops, guys. And of course, she did have to admire her
work afterwards. That’s my kid!<o:p></o:p></div>
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We’ll just chalk this up to something that will embarrass
the hell out of her when she is older. <o:p></o:p></div>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-50232826551221602342014-08-24T00:00:00.000-04:002014-08-24T00:00:00.261-04:00Then there was that time I had mono…<center style="text-align: left;">
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<br /></div>
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I grow very very tired of the “health scares.” It kind of comes with the game though when
you were born with a heart defect. It
happens. They seem to happen every two years,
too…you know, like the Olympics? And
well, what would you know, Aubrey is two so it’s been two years since I’ve had
a heart scare so here we go!<o:p></o:p></div>
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It was unexpected. I
got routine blood work done for a physical.
Cholesterol and what not, so I got the blood work done and thought we’d
go over it the next week at my physical.
Instead I get a call Friday (blood work was Thursday), and it’s the doctor’s
office asking if I’ve had any muscle aches because apparently my muscle enzyme
levels were very elevated. Um, no, I
haven’t. What does that mean? Does this have to do with my heart? “Oh we don’t know but we’ll run some tests
that are heart specific and we’ll rule it out.
But don’t work out this weekend.”
SO, yeah, you know how that goes.
WebMD it! Sure, I know better but
the doctor had me alarmed, and all I kept thinking of was my previous
cardiologist telling me he was consistently checking to see if my muscle lining
in my heart had thickened. Muscle
enzyme. Heart is a muscle. Mine works harder than most. So you see my logic. And it turns out that high levels of muscle
enzyme are indications of a heart attack or serious muscle damage to the
heart. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Shit. <o:p></o:p></div>
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So of course all weekend I worried. I worried when I got blood work done Monday
and also Tuesday when no call from the doctor’s office. I finally got a call on Wednesday that said
everything was better and maybe it was an error in the lab. Hmmm, what?
<o:p></o:p></div>
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By this point my muscles were hurting. I kept thinking it was all in my head after
hearing the “news.” So Wednesday at
work, I was getting kind of ticked with myself.
Why am I achy? Why do I feel like
such crap? I went home to lie down,
which was good because I quickly developed a fever, well over 103 degrees. I had a fever from 100 to 102 for like four
or five days straight. Yep. Mono.
Blood work confirmed it, even though I kind of knew it. I had it in college really badly. We’re talking very badly. This was more mild and after two weeks it’s
pretty much gone and I feel much better.
I guess I wore myself down so much with everything that I got sick. And when I get sick it’s go big or go
home. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Hey, you know what else the high muscle enzyme levels can
indicate? Mono! <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Huh. It makes sense
now. Glad I thought it was my heart
because that was a lot of fun. Let’s do
this again sometime.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I swear if it’s not something it’s another. But I am thanking God that I am healthy and
my heart is just fine. I am blessed
because most kids who had the same surgery as me had follow-up procedures later
in life, and here I am 33 years after my surgery, and I’m doing just fine. Thank God.<o:p></o:p></div>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-37747552617705928822014-08-23T13:17:00.000-04:002014-08-23T13:17:03.561-04:00Goodbye Facebook<center style="text-align: left;">
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I got off Facebook.
For the second time, but I am pretty sure this time will be for good at
least for quite a while. Forever? Quite possibly. <o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s a good tool to keep in touch with friends and
family. I loved getting to see pictures
of everyone and see what people are doing in life, friends I have not seen in
years. But the cons kind of outweigh the
pros. Facebook is a drama starter. It just is.
I have read somewhere that Facebook is a huge contributing factor to
marriages ending, friendships ending, what have you. T has been off of the thing since one month
after Aubrey was born and he hasn't looked back. Granted he would look over my shoulder
occasionally to see the stupid crap people put on there, making fun of it. I’m sure some of it is out of morbid curiosity,
which honestly is what makes Facebook so appealing. Who knows…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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We went to a concert the other night and it was kind of
pathetic looking around at all of the people who are clearly with someone or a
group of people and are glued to their smart phones. No interaction and you know damn well what
they are doing. Some sort of social
medium. I found it has even become a
topic of conversation. You know when you
are talking about Facebook rather than things that really matter, you may have
a problem. That’s partly where I was.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I would say why I got off of it, but I will keep the real
reason to myself. It does kind of suck
that I had to resort to that because I do want to stay in touch with people who
live long distance from me. A quick
Facebook hello can be much easier than an email, but it is not worth it at the
moment. Things you put on Facebook will
quickly get turned around on you, bastardized and then thrown in your
face. Over statements that start out as
innocent statements. A person reads into
that, a person reads your Facebook posts and reports them to another
individual. I understand that privacy is
a moot concept when it comes to social media, but at the same time, some sort
of line should be drawn. However, rather
than deal with that, I’m just taking a step back. I want to continue blogging, and my Pinterest
addiction lives on, of course. I still
have yet to understand what LinkedIn really does exactly, but hey, I will keep
it. I doubt someone would really read
into what you post on LinkedIn. Maybe they would, but it would not be as easy.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I know so many people say “oh, I’m not on Facebook (insert I’m
better than you) and that’s totally not why I did it. I just do not like how others around me were
using my own Facebook activity. That and
at some point, I just have to take a step back and get some privacy. What about some of you? I would be curious as
to other thoughts on social media because it certainly has changed life as we
know it. <o:p></o:p></div>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-34157055464521005622014-07-30T12:13:00.003-04:002014-07-30T12:13:32.866-04:00Motherhood. And poop.<center>
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Oh, motherhood. I
debated writing this post in the event that I would be turned over to child protective
services (just kidding, of course), but a few weeks ago I got a real taste of
toddlerhood. And it….well…it sucked. But I survived, and now I have a story to
tell all of Aubrey’s friends when she’s in high school. And then she can share it with her
therapist. The circle of life, you
see. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Let’s start off with this – Aubrey has started wearing
pull-ups as of a few weeks ago. She saw
all of her friends wearing them, and we are potty training and all so it’s
time. The only problem with these is it’s
so easy for her to take them off. She’s
the big girl now, wearing what she calls her “panties,” and she can take them
off herself, thank you very much, Mommy.
I don’t mind it so much when it’s just a wet diaper. The other type….<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway, so it was a nice Saturday afternoon, and I put
Aubrey down for a nap. On the weekends, she
actually has started sleeping every now and then but during naptime it’s always
on the floor. I normally don’t care so
long as she is getting some kind of rest.
She was actually quiet so I didn’t
think anything was up. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Two hours pass or
so, and I go in there to check on her.
As I get closer to the door I smell the distinct scent of Desitin. Funny, I don’t remember putting Desitin on
Aubrey before nap.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I open the door and see her lying on the floor, hugging her
butterfly. I tiptoe over there and am
greeted with the sight of my daughter’s bare butt, covered in poop, her pull-up
half off. Poop everywhere. On the carpet, all over her diaper changing
box we use, her hairbrush, the carpet, coated all over her hands. “Aubrey!” was my immediate reaction. She startled awake and started crying. And then I noticed the Desitin tube, open and
covered with poop. And white Desitin
smeared by her mouth. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I kicked into high gear, immediately taking her to the bath
tub, stripping her down and cleaning every inch of poop off of my kid as she
sat there pitifully crying. I tried my
best to calm her down and tell her it’s okay, it’s okay, Mommy’s here, trying
to not freak out about her ingesting Desitin.
T was outside mowing so I’m shouting out the window for him to get up
there, which he does, and the only thing I can get out is “shit, everywhere!”
to him. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We clean her off, call poison control who told us that this
is actually quite common and totally not harmful to her. Sigh of relief breathed there. Then we had to tackle the task of cleaning
the shit from all over her room. Oh what’s
that? Her precious butterfly? Poop and Desitin was on her too, so I had to
take her and clean her off and throw her in the dryer. You would have thought I just shot a puppy
right in front of Aubrey. I have never
seen her so traumatized in my life.
Seriously. It was funny but at
the same time I really felt for her. I didn’t
make the thing stay in the dryer the whole time, so I took it out damp and gave
it to Aubrey wrapped in a towel who grabbed from me, giving me one of those “bitch,
step off” looks. I didn’t get to touch
the thing for the rest of the day. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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We had to shampoo the carpets, wash everything and then
throw away the things that were not salvageable. Poop.
On my carpet. Ugh. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So here’s what we think happened. Aubrey’s an independent kiddo. She always seems to poop once we put her down
for a nap, and we have to go in there and change her before she finally falls
asleep. My guess is that happened. Little Miss “I have panties and am a big girl,”
God love her, decided to change it herself.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Someone said, “Well, put that diaper box high so she can’t
reach it.” Yeah, we did that. I have no freaking clue how she managed to
get that down. It now sits in the closet
when we put her to bed. With a child
proof door handle. But she managed to
get it down, and I’m guessing she thought “Mommy puts this cream on me, so I’ll
do it myself.” And then was tempted to
try said Desitin. She tried wiping her
hands off (carpet, window, etc.) But
here’s the thing – she never cried. You
would think she would have cried for us and not fall asleep surrounded and
covered in poop. I don’t get it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Motherhood. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We survived and now have a story we will laugh about
someday. Not yet because I’m still
traumatized but someday…and she now has something to share with her therapist
as she gets older. Because you bet your
ass Mommy is using this little story as needed. <o:p></o:p></div>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-44904981560840389612014-07-27T20:58:00.001-04:002014-07-27T20:58:08.611-04:00Like Mommy<center style="text-align: left;">
I knew becoming a mother to a little girl that I would be her first female role model. The thought scared and intimidated me because who am I to mold a human being into becoming an upstanding citizen? How do I even know to do that? I don't.</center>
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But it's happening, slowly but surely. It's not that I'm all "Aubrey, do this because Mommy does." No, it is just the little things. Aubrey's shoes are colorful and striped like Mommy's. Mommy doesn't wear socks with hers so Aubrey tells her teachers to take hers off because Mommy doesn't wear socks. Mommy and Aubrey wear pink. I pick shorts out for her but she wants jeans pants like Mommy. Mommy has a pony tail so she does too. </center>
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She mimics the things I do even if it is not something I want her to mimic. Case in point - I now have a backseat driver in Aubrey. "GO, lady, go!" yelling at the car in front of us after I do. (oops)</center>
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I have this habit that I have no idea where I started or when but I always sit on the couch with a pillow on my lap. I just do it. So now she'll sit right next to me with a pillow on her lap. It's hilarious.</center>
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I sat on one of those tiny chairs they have for toddler tables, coloring with her the other day, and I got up after like 20 minutes, my butt killing me. "My butt hurts from sitting in that chair, Aubrey." "My butt hurts, too. Like Mommy."</center>
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Yesterday twice she pulled her stool up to me while I was prepping and cooking dinner. I explained to her what I was doing, let her touch and smell the food, with her, of course saying "I don't like it." I have a helper unloading the dishwasher when I do. She helps me fold the laundry.</center>
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I never thought I would serve as the role model for someone. I never realized the little things matter like that, but they do. I never thought in a million years someone would look up to me like this. And I never in a million years thought I would be worth looking up to. But she's here, and I wouldn't change it for a thing in the world. It fills my heart so much each time she does it. I love that little girl with all of my heart, and I don't know...I think she is fond of me, too.</center>
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I think I will call her...."Mini-me."</center>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-3827850558728675482014-07-15T12:22:00.002-04:002014-07-15T12:22:15.133-04:00I have a problem<center style="text-align: left;">
<i>Note: Before I write anything I want to make one thing very clear. In my posts where I have opened up about my marriage, I am talking a great deal about my problems and how I can improve. I may lightly touch on T and things he will change. However, please do not take me focusing on MY issues as saying I am the only reason we are going through a rough patch. I worried about that earlier this morning as I wrote this. So take this as a universal disclaimer.</i></center>
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I have a problem, you guys. Well, that's the vague statement of the year, because it could honestly encompass a whole bunch of issues, but I have a specific problem. It was one of the reasons why T says he fell in love with me and is quickly becoming one of the reasons why we fight. </center>
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I want to fix people's problems. I'm a problem fixer. I want everyone, especially those I love and truly care about, to be happy in life, and if I can, in any way, help that situation, I will do it. However, that quickly runs into another part of that problem....</center>
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I worry about people's problems. And that brings me to another issue...</center>
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I take on people's problems. And that brings me to another problem...</center>
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I often worry more about everyone else's lives than I do my own. </center>
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So yeah, caring about others and wanting everyone to be happy is good, right? I mean thinking only about yourself and only worrying about yourself is....well, selfish, right? So wouldn't it logically be that you should care about other people's problems? Well, yes. But not too much. </center>
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I am that kind of family member, friend, coworker who people come to when they need to vent, need a friend, need help. I like being that way. I like helping others. It's why I practice law, after all, to help others. It's a good thing. All rainbows, ponies, and shit. </center>
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T thinks so, too. When we first met, he loved that I cared so deeply about others in my life that I would do anything for them. If you hurt a friend or family member of mine, you better watch out. That's gotten me into trouble every now and then as I have stepped into the situation to try to fix it for the person in trouble. Has it fixed the problem? Yes, sometimes it has. I have a way with words, I guess. I make my point clear. But then it brings me into the melee. And I'm what one of my counselors called an emotional sponge. I don't just listen to a conversation and offer advice. I soak that shit up like crazy and then carry it around. I do that with each person with whom I interact until that sponge gets so heavy and full of water that it just falls on top of me or spills everywhere. Thus, we have a Nain breakdown.</center>
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The issues T and I currently face have been building up for quite some time so it's hard to pinpoint when this specific problem started. However, what quickly happened was my focus continually shifted into the lives of others and not in my own. Our dinner conversations were on problems going in others' lives. We would go on date nights and talk about issues with family members, friends, me worrying about what that person will do, will they be happy, how can I help, etc. So we'd talk about that and of course Aubrey, and that was our date night conversation. We would have nothing to talk about but that. If we did talk about "us," it would be business stuff like home, money, etc. (Saving that for another post). So I think you can see where a problem would develop. </center>
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It was one of the concerns T brought to my attention when everything came to a head on Father's Day weekend. I've heard him say it before, but it wasn't until then, until we both heard the word "separation" come out of my mouth, that I really and truly listened to what he was saying. He missed us. He was tired of us always talking about everyone else <u>but</u> us. He pointed out the times when this happened, and it hit me that, wow, this is a problem. </center>
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It's hard because this is the person I am. I have been trained for 33 years now to be the fixer, the problem solver, you name it. It is my role. So how do I stop it? Well, I can't just stop it. It's a part of who I am. I like being that person in some respects, but how do I get that balance? What exactly is that right amount? </center>
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And what in the hell are T and I supposed to talk about now?</center>
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Seriously, how sad is that? How sad is it that we have no other conversation than talking about household business, Aubrey and everyone else? I've been trying. I've truly been trying. I had a relapse this last weekend on yet another date night where I focused on the problems of others, and I did not even realize it until T pointed it out to me sadly during dinner. </center>
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I think I could take that even farther to say that I even worry about T to the point where I don't worry about what's going on with me. Surely that's not bad, right? He's my husband so shouldn't I put him before myself?</center>
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I'm writing about this knowing full well that I do not have this solution to the problem. It is not going to fixed overnight. But where do I even start? And how do I reconcile that stabbing guilt when I do pull away from being in that role to focusing on my own life and the problems that have exploded in it like land mines? I don't know. I wish I did. </center>
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I guess the first step to fixing a problem is recognizing it, right? </center>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-7799681932775400772014-07-10T21:39:00.002-04:002014-07-10T21:39:20.191-04:00Running on empty<center style="text-align: left;">
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I am cursed with something that will always plague me. Taking on too much. I take on too freaking much until life really
isn’t that fun, and all I do is work on the various tasks I have willfully
imposed upon myself. I did it in high
school…it was not enough to just do one activity. No, I had to work 20 hours a week, do
newspaper and orchestra, all of these often falling on the same day. I had to
work two jobs during summers in college, giving myself mono one summer from
working too hard. I took on the Mary Kay
thing, a musical instrument (again), and writing. I started with the blog and then bam, started
writing for about seven different publications at a time. And working full time.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Oh and what’s that other thing? Oh right.
I am also a wife and mother. I
forgot about that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Or at least it seems that way. And I know it seems that way to T. It is one of the things that has come up in
our discussions as we work through the weeds of where we currently are in our
marriage. Ever since we have had Aubrey
I have not put enough time aside for my relationships. When I do, it’s Aubrey. At the end of the day, after I have run
myself ragged trying to do all of the things I put on myself, the only ounce of
affection and care I can give is to our daughter. I try to give more. But I have nothing much to give to T or even
to myself. <o:p></o:p></div>
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We would spend our evenings sitting on opposite ends of the
couch, both of us on our computers. I
would be working well until 10 p.m. on a story or two, while T would search the
Internet just wasting time until I was done with the computer or ready for bed. If we did not have the computers out we would
be watching TV. No conversation. No interaction. Any interaction we did have would be once the
kiddo was in bed and we were eating dinner at 7:30 p.m. <o:p></o:p></div>
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When we first met, I gave of myself so readily and
easily. True, I had more time because I
was not a mom at that point in time. We
were not married and lived in our own separate spaces so we had our own “me”
time. So when we did have our “us” time
we could not get enough of each other.
Sitting up and talking until midnight was so easy. Now T’s lucky if I even stay awake past 9:30
p.m. By the time we get to the end of
the day and sit down, I usually pass out unless I’m sitting behind the
computer.<o:p></o:p></div>
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How does that make the other feel? I never really thought about it. I always just thought T was being unfair or
irrational when he would get irritated that I essentially ignored him all
evening. I thought he was not being
supportive, was being too hard on me, not fair.
While, yes, I am sure some of the times he was in the wrong, but I can
see the frustration and where it came from.
We don’t interact. We don’t know
how to talk to each other, and when we do, it’s business – work, bills, house,
and Aubrey. <o:p></o:p></div>
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It is a realization I have hit, and I am working like hell
to change it and make it better.
Relationships do not just maintain on their own. You have to nurture them, make them
grow. That cannot happen if we are both
so distracted to even see what is going on in the other person’s world. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Am I finding it harder to find time to get articles
out? Yes. Have I fallen behind on my emails? Yes.
But am I spending more time with the one person who means more to me
than anything in this world? Yes. And that, to me, is so much more worth it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-8382771885608373122014-07-08T00:00:00.000-04:002014-07-08T00:00:05.989-04:00Living of fear<center style="text-align: left;">
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I have this thing. I
am scared of pissing anyone off. In
fact, I would venture to argue that it is more than just a thing. It’s an all-out paralyzing fear. I hate confrontation. I hate yelling. I mean, I know everyone is like this unless
you are one of this sick and twisted people who like yelling at others. If that’s the case then kudos to you? <o:p></o:p></div>
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I think what you would call it is I am a people pleaser. And a worrier. That has become a problem. The problem arises when I have people at all
aspects of my life at different angles with different needs, and there I am in
the middle trying to please them all. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I write this as I know I may or may not have a confrontation
tomorrow coming up, even though it is all highly possible that it will not be
as bad as I think it will. It could be
worse, who knows? Anyway, that fear is
kind of propelling me to write about fear in general and where that lines up to
what’s going on in my life right now. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I have always been a people pleaser. I walk on eggshells because I have been
trained to do so. As a child, a
teenager, an adult, I have been through a series of relationships whether those
be familial, friend, significant other, boss, etc., where I am absolutely
petrified of letting that person down, losing that person or causing them to be
upset or disappointed in me. It is
inherently unhealthy. You do not go through
a series of counselors with each one telling me the same exact thing and not
come to that conclusion. However, it is
a problem when you do not listen to the advice.
And it just keeps going and going like that damn Energizer bunny.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Where does this play in?
It comes in with my relationship with T and my family. That, which is to be a subject of a later
post, is causing a great deal of the tension, and like Pavlov’s dog, I am
conditioned to react in a certain manner, my loyalties going to my family. But that cannot always be the case. In most circumstances my loyalties should
probably lie elsewhere. And that is
causing a huge issue, if not one that is threatening to break us. <o:p></o:p></div>
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It is frustrating. So
I am venting. This problem is one of the
many T and I are tackling, because like tonight, it seems to rear its ugly head
all the freaking time. Says the girl who
is sitting here freaking out about what lies ahead tomorrow. <o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s amazing what fear can do to you, isn’t it? Too bad I am not one of those people who can
just say “oh well” or “to hell with it.”
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Ah, to hell with it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-55718759793985012232014-07-06T20:55:00.002-04:002014-07-06T20:55:35.624-04:00Team T&A<center style="text-align: left;">
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Recently, I've come back to my blog because, like an
estranged friend, I have missed it.
Having time to actually blog has been difficult, but that’s not really
why I have not really been great at blogging these past few months. See, I pride myself on being open and honest
when I write. Certain subjects have
always remained off limits to me, but the thing is, they are huge parts of who
I am and my life. It is hard to come up with
writing material when the main parts of your life are falling apart all around
you. I’m not one to be fake, so bringing
myself to write up some “see what an awesome mom/wife I’m being” posts just
wasn’t in me. </div>
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Don’t get me wrong – I have
a ton to brag on when it comes to T and Aubrey.
However, when something is wrong and it’s really taking a great deal of
my attention, emotional energy, you name it; it’s hard to just push that aside
and play happy.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Before I go further – no, I am not dying. T is healthy, Aubrey is healthy. We both still have our jobs. We have our house.<o:p></o:p></div>
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However, all is not right in Whoville. Rather, Nain-T-ville. We have been going through some….stuff. It’s hard for me to even write that out
because I don’t want to admit we are anything other than the perfect couple
with the perfect family, but like pretty much everyone else out there, we are
not. I have held back on that on this
blog ever since it has been building up, but as T and I work through things, I
have asked him if I can open up and be honest on this blog. He has said yes, and anything I say on here
is nothing that he does not know or approve of me saying.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Things have been building up, like I said. Building up since we had Aubrey. As we went through those six months of sleep
deprivation, other problems just kept brewing under the surface. Neither of us wanted to really address them,
and all that resulted in that was a lot of fighting. We have argued more than I
want to admit because, like I said, I want everyone to see us as this super
couple. However, the arguments never
really led to anything other than hurt feelings and resentment but one or both
of us just apologizing to finish the argument or just pretending it didn’t
happen. It wasn’t until a couple months
ago that in a few of our more contentious arguments that things came to the
surface. And the shit hit the fan so to
speak. And a word I never ever would
throw out was thrown out. By me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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No, not the “d” word.
But not much better. Separation.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Neither of us would actually do it, but it scared both of us
enough that we realized something had to change. The change is not easy. It is not pleasant, and it’s taking a lot of
me admitting that maybe, just maybe, I need to listen and really hear T more to
get to that change. I’m not always
right, though I like to be. We’re both at fault, but the fault thing really
doesn’t matter. All that matters is
where we go from there. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m on Team T&A (Yes, our initials are inappropriate, I
know), and so is T. We said forever, and
we meant it. I love him more than anything in this world, and I’m not willing
to ever give up on us. Ever. We have both been making some changes, have
discussions that last three hours plus with both of us tearing up at least once
or twice. But it’s necessary. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Hence me opening up on here.
See, the reason I never brought up family life before is because I’m not
that person who is going to husband bash.
I’m not going to use this blog as some kind of platform so you all walk
away hating T. I am opening up because
it’s who we are, it’s what’s going on with us, it’s the whole reason why I
started this blog to begin with. I am
exactly the person that I put out there in this blog. That’s me – good, bad and ugly. This is my life, and this is something huge
happening with us right now. And, like I
said, nothing I would say here would not have already been said to T, not said
without his okay, and well….it’s not me just saying how much my life and my
husband suck. <o:p></o:p></div>
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So you may not read posts that are all rainbows and
ponies. But, as I put it to someone the
other day, “Shit is about to get real.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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Or is it “It’s time for when people stop being polite and
start getting real…the real world. Nain
and T edition.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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I had to put that in there. <o:p></o:p></div>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-33356553525659667902014-07-05T00:00:00.000-04:002014-07-05T00:00:00.923-04:00Everything is awesome<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
We had T's family down a few weeks ago, and Aubrey's cousin who is just a few months younger than her was down. It was a blast and the girls were hilarious. I will not say much other than...these girls can really break it down!</div>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-6247715382516128192014-07-04T08:54:00.001-04:002014-07-04T08:54:13.354-04:00Five years<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Five years ago today, this happened....</div>
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Tim popped the big question on an unusually chilly and rainy 4th of July. It literally poured all day, but neither of us cared. He took me to the Monument downtown and asked me if I could be his other half forever. It took me maybe one instant to say yes. And I still firmly say that it was the easiest answer to the biggest question ever. Five years has passed since that beautiful day. Today we will be heading back downtown as we have down every year since (minus last year) and will take Aubrey to this special place. Sure, she has no idea what "engaged" means, and sure, if we continue this tradition, it might become annoying to her as she gets older but...it does not matter. If Mommy had never said yes, she would not be here. Five years has brought us to where we are now. </center>
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It does not feel like it has been five years. Yet so much has happened since then. We've gotten married, built a house and started a family. We have created an extremely blessed and wonderful life. All from that simple yet so important question. </center>
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I love you, T! I would say yes again - over and over and over again!</center>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-38071298081161593782014-06-02T21:37:00.000-04:002014-06-02T21:37:03.416-04:00Fearless<center style="text-align: left;">
Along with the spirited child front, my child has one characteristic I want her to keep throughout her life because I have struggled with this myself. She's fearless. Bravery. Seriously, the kid has no fear. I have yet to find something that scares her. Thunderstorm? No. Lawn mower? No, she runs toward it. Same with the vacuum. We were in Michigan with my family last year, and as we walked along the pier in South Haven, the kid was leaning over trying to reach the water. Climbing rocks, wanting to explore. She has no fear. I love that, but at the same time, fear that, about her. </center>
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We went swimming with friends the other day, and Aubrey could not have been more excited. We've been in a pool maybe one other time with her so I'm not sure why the word pool got her so excited, but she was. We got her in the water, with her water floaties, of course, and she was giggling like crazy. Then it started. She saw the big kids swimming so Aubrey wanted to swim. She got frustrated because she wanted us to let her go on her own. I tried to show her what would happen, but that didn't deter her. "I need to swim, I need to swim!" she kept saying. (Side note: Her new thing is to say she 'needs' something instead of 'wants.') She then saw kids jumping off the side into the pool so she climbs out of the pool and tries to do that herself, with her Mommy scrambling out of the pool with her. We did a modified "jump" with me holding her up to Daddy in the water. It seemed to fool her for the time being, but I'm afraid that will only last so long. She wants to do it on her own. She thinks she is as big as those other kids jumping and swimming. That's my kid.</center>
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It scares me because of obvious reasons, of course. I'm already paranoid with my kid around water but now I have more reason to be eagle eyes with her. It's hard to keep up with her, and as she gets older and more independent, I know that will only get worse. She's fearless. To a fault.</center>
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I want to strike that fine balance between encouraging her to be fearless but also reigning in her over-braveness. I love the fighter in her, the daredevil and the strong girl she is. I just want to make sure she does not think she's bigger than she is.</center>
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Did I mention my kid is spirited? Oh I didn't? </center>
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God help me when she's a teenager....</center>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-89346017491972301622014-06-01T00:00:00.000-04:002014-06-01T00:00:02.717-04:00Spirited Child<center style="text-align: left;">
I'm frustrated. I know people say that "oh you think the terrible twos are bad? Just wait until the terrible threes!" And I know this too shall pass and it gets better...blah, blah, but seriously, I'm irritated. And tired.</center>
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Our doctor, Aubrey's teachers, and pretty much everyone has said that Aubrey is a spirited child. It's basically another word for stubborn. I've even started reading books on it. Aubrey finds something and darn it, that's what she wants and she will bring all holy hell until she gets it. And when she doesn't get it - which is often because we don't give into her - thus begins the fit. And when Aubrey throws a fit, she throws a fit. It's impressive the dedication she puts into her fits when she starts them. And the volume. Yeah, it's not pretty and it's enough for us to not want to do anything at all, go anywhere, leave the house, you name it.</center>
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We took her to the downtown canal on Saturday morning thinking we'd have a nice family walk, see some ducks, have a little fun for a couple hours. Yeah, that lasted like 30 minutes when she decided she wanted to go up the stairs to the street. That ended up with her being in the stroller and screaming. So we went home. So much for that....</center>
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It's frustrating. And I'm jealous. I have friends who have kids my age, and I see pictures and stories on Facebook of all the fun things they do and see. Why can't we do that too? Oh right, our child will do okay for like a minute before she finds something that will start World War III. It makes the whole point of the outing not even worth it. I'm starting to get a little resentful, and I hate admitting that. Why is their child okay going out in public and ours not? I know the answer. Our child is anything but the laid-back and chill kid. She does not just go with the flow. We get looks from people when Aubrey does meltdown like we have some kind of brat, but we don't. It's not that. No way do we spoil our kid, and she is accountable for her behavior. She's just very strong-willed and well....stubborn. Or wait, no, it's she's "spirited." That sounds better.</center>
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Whatever it is, I'm having one of those days where it just sucks. I'd love to go to the zoo or the pool or park...I mean, we try it and hope like hell that it goes well, but 9 times out of 10, we end up with a screaming Aubrey and a frustrated Nain and T. </center>
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Just needing to get that out, and yeah...it's my blog, so I can, right? But no, I'm not looking for tips or anything. Maybe a baby-sitter or two. </center>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-79130298763859959262014-05-31T07:25:00.002-04:002014-05-31T07:25:38.943-04:00A Girl's night<center style="text-align: left;">
Sometimes a girl just needs an evening with her girlfriends. Don't get me wrong - T is fabulous company. But he's not a girl. (Stating the obvious, hence the reason why Aubrey is here...) I used to do girls' nights all the time pre-Aubrey, but since her arrival in February 2012, those evenings have kind of gone to the back burner but for good reason. I love the time I spend with Aubrey, and then after she goes to sleep, I cherish what little time T and I have with some peace and quiet and no kid yelling "Mommy! Mommy! Boo boo! I have boo boo!" constantly. But sometimes a girl does need times with her girlfriends. </center>
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I got to hang out with one of my best friends C last night, finishing a bottle of wine and eating entirely too much Ghiradelli chocolate than I needed or should have had. But it was fun and refreshing, and as C said this morning for a brief moment we took a break from being Mommies. And I say that not in the bad way because I love being a Mommy, but it is nice to just be Nain every now and then. </center>
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So here's to those girls' nights where you laugh about the stupidity you had in undergrad, joke about family events, talk boys and pretty much nothing at all or at least nothing of intellectual substance. It is nice to have that refresher so that I can treat myself, have a little fun and wake up ready to get back to my main roles as wife and Mommy. </center>
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Thanks, C, for having me over!</center>
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viewfromdownherehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06617837422220577661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3537634935444359971.post-5638867148878577762014-05-29T12:23:00.001-04:002014-05-29T12:23:07.417-04:00Decisions have consequences<center style="text-align: left;">
On my way into work, as I was driving through the normal traffic trying to loosen up my stiff neck, I had the sudden urge to post this as my FB status:</center>
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<span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />Hate is a strong word but I really really don't like the drunk asshole who slammed into my car in 2004. I am sure he walked away just fine while I have to deal with chronic neck pain for the rest of my life. Asshole.</span></center>
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See, that's where the stiff neck comes from. Back in my first year of law school, I was rear-ended as I sat at a stoplight by a drunk driver going about 55-60 mph. As my car jerked forward, I had a sharp pain to my neck. However, I walked away relatively fine. I mean, no broken bones and I checked out okay in the ER. And that neck pain didn't last but for a minute. I settled with the insurance company for doctor bills and some amount of money for punitive damages. However, it was not until I started working post-law school that my neck really started to hurt. In fact, it's hurt every day of my life since then. It's always a bit stiff. At times it hurts more than other times, and I imagine sitting at a desk all the time does not help much. I've done physical therapy, and that did not help. It's just there. All the freaking time.</center>
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It pisses me off when I think about the guy who hit me. The man was trashed. They say when someone who is intoxicated is in an accident they do not really walk away injured because they are so loosened up at impact. I, on the other hand, saw his beat-up red truck coming and stiffened up, which didn't help a bit. </center>
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Hate is a strong word, it really is. As a Catholic I am taught to forgive, and I guess I forgave him. But I really really don't like him. It's not fair. I'm not the drunk asshole who decided to have a few more before I drove home from my camping trip. But yet, I get to live with my neck hurting all the time. And it pisses me off. </center>
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So is this self-pity? Sure. I'm not normally one of those people who goes around saying "feel sorry for me..." and I'm not writing this nor am I writing my FB post for pity. I don't need pity. But I do want to put a message out there. This is what happens when you drive drunk. I'm lucky I walked away that day. Had he driven in a different direction, say hit me from the side or front, I'm pretty sure the result would have been different. </center>
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I'm sure he's driven drunk again. If I still had his name, I'd look him up in the court system. But that wouldn't do me any good. I just hope somehow he will not be allowed to do what he did to me to anyone else. </center>
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Asshole.</center>
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