TGIF!

TGIF everyone!  So I'm happy to report that I'm not in a mood that would substitute for one of the seven dwarfs...sorry for that brief bout of grumpiness today.  Today, I'm kind of just....here.  I'm tired, which isn't unusual, and unfortunately that's not going to change any time soon until well after she arrives.  Stupid medicine making me tired.  What I wouldn't give for a nice couch or lounge chair in my office to take a nice nap during my lunch break.  So maybe I am one of the seven dwarfs today....Sleepy.  But that's better than Grumpy, right? 

So guess who's a big radio star?  Wait, no, let me qualify that...guess who is a big local A.M. radio star?  Two times in the past two weeks I've been on the local A.M. station here where my work is located to talk about our legal aid program.  Let me tell you...I've been crazy nervous both times, but it's good to do...you know, get our message out there and inform people about a program that can really help them.  Of course, I will not listen to how I actually sound on the radio.  I can't even stand listening to my voice on an answering machine, let alone during a 15 minute segment on the radio.  I'm sure I said "uh" or "um" about fifty times.  It's very similar to the times I have had to read transcripts of myself during trial.  I find myself thinking "Dear God, do I have no grasp of the spoken English language?"  So while I won't be listening to it, it is pretty cool.  And kind of fun, too. 


Other than that, my Friday has been pretty low key.  I hope this low key-ness goes into the weekend because with the weekends counting down to Half-pint's arrival and my energy level quickly depleting, I definitely need some low key time.  Maybe I can catch up on some things I've been meaning to do before her arrival.  Or maybe I can just...I don't know...sleep?


Sorry this isn't much of a post, but I swore to myself that I would force myself to do another post this week if it killed me.  I will NOT get into slacker mode again...nope, not going to happen.  I hope everyone has a great weekend!  Here's for a low key one for T&A and no surprises or anything like that :-)  We're not quite ready for that to happen yet....

Grumpy

I feel really bad, but today I'm super grumpy.  In fact, I can't really say that it's just today.  These past couple of weeks, I'm just not a nice person.  My rants are becoming more and more frequent, I'm tired, and I just can't deal with all of the stupidity out there.  Sure, it's probably a side effect of being 9 months pregnant.  But I hate using that as an excuse.  I do find that my patience is decreasing more and more as the days go by.  I sure hope that some day it does come back! 


So in light of my grumpy mood...you get a Nain rant today...or rather, a list of things I find just a wee bit irritating:


1.  The Super Bowl.  Here in Indianapolis, we've been hearing about this for well over a year now, and the fact that it's just weeks away, it's all the news is talking about.  They're closing streets in downtown, parking is going to be ridiculous, and all that means for T and myself is that we're going to have to find some alternative way to get to our hospital, which is also located downtown.  And it does result in me praying and praying that Half-pint does not choose to make her arrival any time close to that stupid game. 


2.  Politics.  I'm making it a point to just block anyone on my Facebook who talks about politics.  Because I'm tired of it.  I have my own political beliefs, but I have already grown super tired of hearing all of the political stuff in the news, etc.  The election is in November.  This is only January.  And I'm already over it all. 


3.  Heartburn and random contractions. 


4.  Awful things happening to people I know and care about.  Lately, I've noticed so many friends of mine going through some just awful awful stuff with their children, their spouses, you name it, and I just hate to see such truly wonderful people facing such adversity.  It just doesn't seem fair at all, especially when these awful things happen to children so small and young. 


5.  People at T's work.  That's all I'll say about that. 


6.  Inconsiderate people


7.  Money. 


Okay, so those are the current things that are irritating me at the moment.  And by moment I mean immediate moment, because I'm sure in about five minutes something else is going to tick me off.  I think the only solution to this is that I cut myself off from all contact with humans or animals, no media, no phone or computer access...padded room with just me.  Or maybe I'd then get irritated with my own thoughts.  Because let's be honest, my irritability is just that strong. 


At least it's almost Friday! 

Go Team

The concept of "we're a team" is something with which I struggle.  I never really played team sports in high school.  I've always prided myself on being a pretty independent person.  If there's a problem, I have always been able to face it head on.  By myself.  It's been me against the world for quite some time now.  Even after I met T in 2008 and our relationship began to get serious, I still stubbornly held onto the "nope, I can handle it on my own" mentality.  I still find myself foolishly following that mantra from time to time, even a year into marriage. 


Case in point - without going into too much detail, this past Christmas break, I finally opened up to T about a financial secret I was keeping, thinking I could handle it all on my own without letting him know, for fear of letting him down.  It involved my Mary Kay business, and I felt like since it is my business, I should handle it, right?  I shouldn't burden him with helping me figure out what's the best way to approach a problem.  Wrong.  I finally told him about it, and of course, he already suspected something but wasn't mad at all.  In fact, he was wanting to help.  We're in this together, he said.  He wanted me to succeed, but I shouldn't feel like I couldn't ask for help.  It was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulder.  Why I felt I needed to handle it all was beyond me.  But it took that reassurance from T to realize "Hey, we're in this together as a team...my success is his success."  Not to say I won't need to remind myself of that from time to time. 


As we get closer to the c-section date, I find myself getting more and more anxious about the procedure, keeping my fears inside.  I don't always express how I'm feeling, thinking it's more of a bother to someone else than it is, and that works (somewhat) until I basically explode, resulting in lots of crying and me being an emotional wreck.  That happened last night, as I told T how scared I was for the c-section and how much I didn't like the unknown behind everything.  I almost felt silly, however, letting it all out.  I should be able to handle this, right?  But there again, T reassures me that we're in this together.  He's with me.  I need to tell him these things so that he can support me.  Why is this so hard? 


And it isn't just a one-sided deal, either.  I take my job as T's biggest supporter very seriously.  With work, I know he struggles with the expectations imposed on his company's employees (I have my opinions of these...but, I'll keep them to myself), and just like anyone else, he needs to know that we're in this together.  That he's not the sole fighter in this battle.  His successes are my successes.  And I fully support him every step of the way.  After all, we're a team.  All three of us.  And I couldn't be any prouder of him. 


So it may take some adjustment on both of our parts, but I think we are getting the hang of it, and I'm sure it'll come easier with time.  But we're team T&A (yes, I am sorry, but I just have to use those letters together...ha), and we're in this together.  And there's just about nothing we can't do.  So...gooooo team!

Random post

I have to really kick myself into gear here to be a better blogger...the year is only just 17 days young, and I'm slacking majorly in the consistently posting department.  Sorry, guys!  I'm running low on fumes today, mainly to this yucky Indiana weather and the 10 plus hours I worked yesterday, so...you get a random post from me this fine Tuesday - enjoy!

Yesterday was the culmination of months of planning a huge event for my agency.  It's called Talk to a Lawyer, held annually all over the state, and I had sites up and running for it in all of my 5 counties.  Attorneys basically donate their time and give free legal consultations all day for anyone who comes in or calls our offices.  It took a ton of planning, marketing, coordinating, and all the while, I was worried Half-pint would make her arrival before the big day.  BUT, she held up her huge end of the bargain, and Mommy was able to successfully put on the event.  So she can come any day now.  With the exception of when the Super Bowl is in town because I still don't know how the logistics of that will work out :-) 


Oops, I just hit publish without finishing the post...doh!  and to continue...


So I worked 10 hours yesterday for the event and worked from home today.  It was a good day to do that, too...rained all morning and now it's ridiculously windy.  So windy in fact that our recylce bin just disappeared.  I seriously don't know where it went.  I drove all over our street trying to find it, and I did come upon a random bin at the end of our circle and took it...didn't seem like it belonged to anyone so here's hoping it's actually ours! 


My size seems to have doubled just in the past week.  People now seem to feel free to make comments about how I look like I'm "about to pop" and then proceed to give opinions on 1) my size and whether I'm having twins; 2) the birth method I have no choice but to go with and 3) the fact I have to formula feed.  Seriously, are no questions off limits?  And when did everyone get medical degrees, allowing them to give opinions on my situation? 


And since I'm on the discussion of gripes about pregnancy...and I swear, this random post was not meant for a venting post, but...I'm 9 months pregnant, so deal with it :-)  I am having an increasingly difficult time with people just blowing over my situation or trying to compare to it.  Why?  What's the point with that?  Or saying "oh, it's not that bad..." when days like last Wednesday at the cardiologist scared me to death or the fact that I constantly worry that my baby won't be okay or I won't be okay after all is said and done.  OR, people saying I have it easy because I am having a c-section.  Last time I checked, major surgery isn't exactly a walk in the park.  Just saying.  And being on three heart medications just to get you through the pregnancy hasn't been easy either.   Sorry.  I guess I needed to vent about that.  My bad....


On a happier note, we did get an adorable outfit from T's mom (Nana) the other day.  His late Grandpa Lou was a huge John Deere fan, and she found the cutest little onesie that says "Dirt Makes me Cuter" and has the John Deere symbol on it with some cute baby jeans.  So freaking cute.  I love folding all of her little clothes, especially baby socks.  So tiny and so so cute.  I'll focus on that when I get frustrated like above. 


Lastly, I do have a new obsession.  I haven't had any cravings this pregnancy at all, but lately, I've had a few.  Root beer.  And chocolate cherry M&Ms.  If you haven't tried them, I highly recommend it.  Yes, I've gone through a bag and a half over the past few weeks.  And yes, today when I was at Walgreesn I bought two more bags.  Only because they were on sale and they are limited edition Valentine's candy.  They're my treat and I deserve them, right?


So this has been your random post from Nain today...with additional pregnancy bitching!  Have a lovely rest of your Tuesday!

 

One more month!

On Friday, T and I headed to another OB appointment for Half-pint.  I was a little nervous, considering how the cardiologist appointment went on Wednesday, but I was happy to see that my blood pressure and my  heart rate seem to have gone down thanks to the third medication.  It's temporary, but all we really need is to just keep that under control until she arrives.  It should get better pretty quickly after Half-pint's arrival.

 

 

The appointment went pretty well.  She passed her NST with flying colors.  It's funny because she doesn't seem to like anything resting on my belly and putting any pressure on her.  She'll try to kick or push whatever it is off.  So when they strap the monitors onto my stomach for the NST she goes nuts.  It's a good thing, though, because that shows she's a happy baby and is active.  But it's still hilarious. 

 

 

We got one very important date set, too!  Half-pint will be making her arrival on February 15th at 11:00 a.m.!  As soon we got the card with the date on it, I couldn't stop looking at it.  I mean, it's real. This is it.  She will be here no later than February 15th.  How crazy is that?  I mean, sure, she could arrive sooner...that is still a distinct possibility, but we have an actual scheduled date for arrival.  And it's one month from today. 

 

 

Of course, at how big I am now, thinking of her growing even more every day for a month seems absolutely insane.  But at the same time, I want her to stay in there and grow as much as she can.  But T and I couldn't be more excited to meet her.  Can it be February 15th now????

 

 

Sorry if I haven't posted for the past few days...my blogger has been acting up, and I'm hoping that whatever problems I was having are now gone magically.  So we'll see! 

 

 

Have a good week, everyone!

 

 



Prayers

Today was one of those days...I knew going into it that it might be stressful, but it took a quick turn for the worse.  I headed up to the north side of Indy for my cardiologist visit.  I've been seeing him every two weeks to monitor my blood pressure during the pregnancy.  Over the past week or so, the numbers have been creeping up again, which is natural as I get farther and farther along in my pregnancy.  T has a work presentation coming up, and since he's going with me to my NST and OB appointment on Friday, I asked my parents to have one of them meet me at the doctor just to have a second set of ears.  I am so glad that they were there. 

Part of the concern with me and my health is in keeping my heart rate and blood pressure down so as to not put pressure on my repair from my surgery as a baby.  I've done a pretty decent job so far, though they have had to double up my medication a few times along the way.  This morning, they found my heart rate was too high after doing an EKG, prompting the doctor to send me over to get an emergency echocardiogram.  He's a specialist - the kind that is like a super specialized specialist - so that often times means that he has an awkward bedside manner.  So he wasn't really open about why and what he was thinking, but he sent my father and me upstairs for the echo saying he wanted to get a good look at my heart and contact my high risk OB so that they could confer. 

I was trying my best not to freak out, and my poor father tried his best to keep me calm.  The echo took about 30 minutes and then another 30 minutes as they analyzed the echo.  I kept T updated with texts, knowing that he was well over an hour away at work.  My fear was that they would take Half-pint early or admit me for monitoring, but at the point I was at, I didn't care.  Anything and everything they had to do to keep her safe was all that mattered.  But that waiting part?  Is a bitch.  I hate that.  And not knowing exactly what is going on.  I'm a Type A person.  I need to know everything and be informed about every detail.  So those 30-45 minutes just sitting there were killing me.  I just kept replaying the words we were told in February last year that any additional stress from pregnancy could cause my aorta to rupture.  I was scared, needless to say. 

Luckily the echo came back okay, meaning my repair is holding up fine.  The doctors conferred, and they put me on a 3rd medicine to keep me through the pregnancy.  It should lower the heart rate, and I have to keep vigilant over the blood pressure and heart rate.  I'm seeing the high risk OB on Friday so we will for sure ask questions about whether she needs to come early and the risks to her and myself.  I'm just scared, and I want to know that everything will be okay. 

So no stress for Nain for the remainder of this pregnancy.  I have absolutely no choice but to take it easy and do everything in my power to keep my heart rate down and blood pressure down and keep her healthy and happy.  Nothing is more important than that. 

Being completely open like this is hard, but I guess it is my blog, so...yeah, I guess this is a better medium than anything else, right?  I just ask for some prayers and positive thoughts.  We're down to just weeks left, and all I can think about is holding my little girl for the first time.  That's what's keeping me going more than anything else. 

Self worth

Life doesn't stop just because you are pregnant.  I've learned that much.  With my hypertension and risks with my pregnancy, though, sometimes I wish it would.  But....no such luck. 


This week I got some new drama introduced into my life, drama I won't go into, and no, it has absolutely nothing to do with the baby.  She's doing just fine.  It's just something from my past.  And it threw me for a loop.  Upon T's suggestion, I decided to speak with one of my close friends from church, a lady with whom I share a great deal in common and someone who is a good listener and confidante.  It was nice to let out the angst about this situation and see what her thoughts were and what she recommended I do. 


Throughout the course of the conversation, we talked about how our pasts can't control our present or future and who we are and what we have overcome.  We talked about giving yourself credit for what you have accomplished and how far you've come.  And while talking about this, we fell upon the topic of self esteem. 


See, I am totally not one who has a particularly high self esteem.  There are a lot of reasons behind that, reasons I will not go into and blame I will not direct, but I'm just not a confident person.  It's funny because in my professional life, I can portray that I do have confidence.  But inside, I question just about everything I do.  It drives T nuts.   I can't blame him, honestly.  And it's something I always work on.  She made the statement to me that I should give myself credit for the strength that I do have.  She then made an observation that was 100 percent true:  that I don't always believe in myself or give myself the credit where the credit is due.  


She also made a statement that I had never thought about before, but one I really should give some consideration.  Not believing in myself, while a bad thing, is one thing when it's just me.  But soon I will have a little one learning everything she knows from me (and T, too), but she'll be taking her cues on what kind of woman she will become based on the kind of woman her mommy is.  Those cues will help her in future relationships, future interactions, basically everything that makes her who she is.  What do I want her to learn from me?  To constantly doubt herself?  To say "sure, I can do it, but I probably should have done it better or maybe it wasn't good enough?"  I certainly don't want that. 


That question has stuck with me since she asked it.  Not in a bad way.  It's something I should definitely change.  I want my little girl to grow up to be strong, confident and independent.  While I realize I can't control what mistakes or hardships she'll go through in life, I certainly want to provide her with the tools needed so that she'll be strong enough to face them head on.  I don't want my daughter to think that having a poor self image or a bad self esteem is okay.  Because it certainly is not.  And I need to figure this out soon because, despite the fact she cannot speak or fully comprehend what's going around her, this teaching starts from Day 1.  And Day 1 isn't that far away. 


I'm taking this quote from a blog I've recently discovered:  Mark and Angel Hack Life.  I think maybe this is something I need to constantly remind myself as I do face this new and unwanted drama:  We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.


And I need to have confidence in that.  I am not my mistakes, I am not the bad decisions I made in my past.  I am who I am because of how I have adapted because of those bumps in the road.  And those have made me stronger.  And to my little girl, I want to be the strong role model she needs so that she can grow up with that kind of confidence, too.