Back to a semi-normal

We've been really blessed these past two weeks that T's work gives him two weeks of paid paternity leave.   Having him at home with me has been so great.  The first week back from the hospital, my ability to do any physical activity was extremely limited so having him here to help me just get around the house was great.  I honestly don't know what I would have done if he wasn't there.  And having him here to just spend that time with me and Aubrey was priceless.  So needless to say, I've been dreading this day for weeks.  The day when T would have to go back to work. 

 

 

So we're getting back to a semi-normal in that now T has to get up every morning just like before and head back to work.  I say semi-normal because I'm still at home which feels incredibly weird.  I'm not a stay-at-home person by any means because I have to constantly be busy, but being limited in what I can do and not being able to drive just yet is driving (ha, no pun intended) me crazy.  I'd love to just be able to get out for a little bit.  At least with T here, he'd make me leave the house if not for a short car ride every now and then because he knows how I can get.  (One of the many many reasons I truly appreciate him.)

 

 

I know that we must get back to our normal routine eventually, but it's been nice just having my little family here and now I feel like a huge part of that is missing.  Not getting to see T until he gets home from work just doesn't seem like enough.  Why can't men get that same time off that women get off?  I mean, it's just as important that a father have that time to bond with his child, right?  I feel bad for T because I get the whole day with Aubrey, and he has to wait until 5:30 to spend time with her. 

 

 

I realize I'm rambling here, and honestly that's probably sleep deprivation.  But suffice it to say I'm totally bummed.  We miss you, T, and can't wait for you to come home! 

  

Overcoming my fears

As a kiddo, I had so many doctors appointments and so many procedures done, that I quickly developed an aversion to doctors.  Needles, doctors, you name it...I hated them.  I had to get weekly allergy shots, and I always tried my best to talk my way out of them, to negotiate with the nurses, saying "I'm not comfortable with this...can we talk about it?"  Of course, that never worked.  Getting older, I've not done well with blood draws either.  It's just the thought of blood leaving my body, but I often faint when getting blood drawn.  So needless to say, when I found out I had to have a c-section, I was petrified.  I was scared mostly of the unknown, but also the thought of being awake while they cut me open scared the living daylights out of me.

As days crept closer to February 15th, the fear started to increase more and more.  T kept saying how he'd be there by my side and how I'd be okay, but it didn't really get rid of the fear.  I was scared.  Plain and simple. 

Now I know I'm not the first person to have a c-section, and that people every day go through much worse.  And this procedure pales in comparison to the closed heart surgery I had at four months old, but I was scared.  I had nightmares that I didn't make it through surgery and that something happened with my heart during the procedure.  Irrational?  Yes, but...I have never said I was the rational type :-)

The night before the surgery T and I went to the Adoration Chapel at our church, and I prayed a rosary, asking God for peace of mind.  To give me strength that next day and to watch over Aubrey and me throughout the whole thing.  It seemed to help somewhat.  I tried my best to give it to God and trust that it would work out. 

The morning of the surgery, I tried my best to calm down the entire way down to the hospital.  The two hour prep seemed to fly by, and I dreaded that moment when I had to kiss T good bye and walk into the OR without him.  When it hit 11:00 a.m., it was time.  No choice now because I was already having contractions so she was coming regardless that day.  I had to get that little girl out one way or another, and I certainly couldn't push. 

I have to say that walking into that OR and climbing onto that surgery table was something that took all the courage I had in me.  As I walked in there and saw the surgical instruments all laid out and (being the stupid one that I am) the needle that would be going into my back, I had that sudden urge from my childhood to say "nope, not doing it...I'm not comfortable with this...can we talk about this?"  But it was for her.  So I climbed on that table and said a little prayer.  As the nurse held onto me during the spinal, I just looked at her once and said "I'm scared."  I had to get it out.

Of course, once the spinal kicked in, those fears went away a little bit.  Whatever medication is in that is pretty nice.  I was relaxed.  T was amazed when he came in thirty minutes later how at ease I was.  He came in, and I just looked at him and was all "what's up, honey?" 

It took about ten minutes, as I held onto T's hand listening to him tell me everything was okay and how great I was doing before we heard it.  The cry.  The most amazing and beautiful noise I have ever heard in my entire life.  Nine and a half months of worry, anxiety, prayers and anticipation, and she was here.  And she was okay.  That's all that matters, and with that cry, I just started to cry tears of joy.  I didn't even think about how they would have to "put me back together again" after she was out.  Fear was completely gone. 

Looking  back  two weeks later, I still have no idea how I managed to walk into that OR.  Me, the girl who hates doctors and is so scared of any medical procedure.  But I somehow did it.  And you know what?  I'd do it again.  Because it was so worth it.

 

Lack of information

I don't outwardly broadcast this information, but a few months ago we decided to bottle-feed Aubrey.  Because of the medication Mommy is on (and can't really get off of), I decided I didn't want to pass on that medication and any of its possible side effects to Aubrey through breastmilk after consulting with my OB.  I was hoping to breastfeed, mostly so I could get that bonding time with her, and I was disappointed when he told me the side effects she could experience.  But I made a decision that I thought was in her best interest. 

However, once I made that decision, it seemed we started getting more and more opinions on it.  It was much like the c-section thing.  Everyone had an opinion.  Most of these opinions were from people who weren't aware of my heart condition, and of course, once I snapped at them and told them about it, they backed off.  But I kept hearing comments like "oh, I've heard that's not a good way to have a baby."  Or "OH, so you're having her the easy way?"  (Side note:  From the recovery I've been going through, I can testify to the fact that a c-section certainly is NOT an easy way.  Not in the slightest.)  I'm the kind of person who soaks up comments like that and lets them get to me.  I feel guilty like I'm somehow being an inadequate mother or letting her down already.  It's amazing to me the gall people have to just spout out opinions without seeming to care. 

But the opinions and judgment didn't just come from outsiders.  When we were in the hospital, believe it or not, they came from the OB nurses who cared for me and Aubrey.  And even in the hospital room...in my bathroom there was this huge poster from La Leche League detailing why breastfeeding is best and why bottles are bad.  Not something I'd necessarily want to see when I'm already insecure about it. 

But the thing that has really surprised me and irritated me is the lack of information about it.  When you breastfeed, they provide lactation consultants to help you and give you information on what to do, how to do it, etc.  But with formula, they just gave us a case of formula and we were just to feed her.  No guidance, nothing. She took to the formula okay in the hospital, but when we got home, we switched her from the pre-made liquid she got at the hospital to different brands we received in samples in the mail that were in powdered form.  Last Wednesday we were up all night with her crying, just inconsolable, and spitting up everything she ate.  The poor thing...you could tell she was in pain every time she spat up.  It broke my heart, and it also freaked me out, being a new mother.  When we called the doctor the next day we were told that apparently we weren't feeding her enough (we were going off the limited information on how much to feed her we received in the hospital) and told to just go back to what she had in the hospital.  So T and I took to the Internet, trying to find any and all information we could get.  But there isn't much out there. 

It's just frustrating because of the lack of information out there for formula-fed babies.  I hate that right now I have to just try different types to see what she likes because, well, she's suffering in the meantime.  It's not like she can look at me and say "hey, Mom...this formula?  Not making me feel so good."  Doctors don't really know that much about formula or at least mine doesn't, and it would have been immensely helpful if, while at the hospital, we got some kind of information on what to do and what to expect.

So I'll get off my soapbox for the time being.  But I needed to complain.  Are there any others out there who share the same frustration?  Just curious or maybe I'm being crazy...it wouldn't be the first time, that's for sure :-) 

Today Aubrey is getting her professional pictures done for announcements.  I'll be sure to share those when we get them!

 

Home sweet home

Sorry for the lack of posts lately!  It's been a crazy week, needless to say, as T and I adjust to life at home as parents.  But we are, in fact, home.  We had thought we were going to be released on Sunday but they let us go home on Day 3 (Saturday) so that was a nice surprise.  Honestly, I was going stir crazy being in the hospital.  The whole being checked on every 2 hours was driving me crazy, and hospital beds?  Totally not comfortable.  Hospital food?  Not so great.  So we got to go home on Saturday afternoon....by the time we got home, though, both Aubrey and I were beat.

To keep with the monkey theme, we decided to dress her in her little monkey outfit to get home.  She managed to keep this on until we got home...when she prompty spit up all over her cute outfit.  But, we got to take a few pictures first!

So we loaded her up in her car seat and waited for transportation to take us to our car.  I think it's so funny how tiny she looks in her car seat, but, it was approved officially by the hospital!

That car ride was the longest ever.  T drove about as carefully as possible, and I was never more aware of how many bumps were in the road.  But she barely stirred and remained asleep even when got home.

Both Mommy and Aubrey were happy to be home!  And ready for our two and half hour nap we both took shortly after we got home.

Life at home has been pretty sweet for little Miss Aubrey.  She gets to sleep, relax, and eat as much as she wants.  She's become a big fan of her chair....

But her most favorite place to sleep?  Relaxed with Mommy...and trust me, I'm good with this too.  

I'll try my very best to post more often!  And add pictures as we take them!

 

Welcome to the world, baby!

T and I are so very proud to introduce you all to....Miss Aubrey Leona.  She came into the world at 11:40 Wednesday morning, weighing 7 lbs 8.5 oz.  (Smaller than predicted, but she's still a big baby!)   The surgery went very well.  Mommy was scared but through the grace of God, I was oddly calm that morning.  We couldn't have asked for things to go any smoother than they did.  And with that, here are a few pictures of the big day! 

 

Daddy holding Aubrey for the very first time, just minutes after she arrived.  I swear, the sound of that cry was the best noise I have ever heard in my entire life.  Below is a picture of me meeting her for the very first time.  Could be the hormones, but looking at this photo makes me tear up.

One extremely relived Mommy....and a little tired, too!

She loves her Daddy so much already.....

She has a head full of dark hair and such beautiful eyes....

Our little miracle is here!  Thank you all so much for your prayers, kind words and thoughts.  They've meant so much to all three of us.  Welcome to the world little Aubrey!

  



Happy Valentine's Day!

It's February 14th, the day of love and chocolate and cards and Hallmark stuff :-)  I haven't always been a huge fan of Valentine's Day, but I have a feeling this Valentine's Day is about to change that for me forever.  In fact, I'm not sure I can look at the holiday in the same way ever again.  This year, while T and I are playing it low key and not exchanging presents, we don't have to....because tomorrow morning, we'll be getting the best present ever.  Our little girl. 


Every Valentine's Day from now on, I'll reflect on how I feel right now.  Anticipation.  Nerves.  Excitement.  Because tomorrow at this time, I'll be holding our little Half-pint for the first time.  And every year from now on, Valentine's Day will not only be a day of flowers and candy and sharing an I love you with your special someone.  It'll be a day for T and me where we think about how just one day later we were graced with the best gift ever, the ultimate gift of our love together.  I couldn't ask for anything more. 


I'm afraid I'll be off the grid for the next few days, though I'm sure you all will understand why :-)  I'm not sure how quickly we'll be able to post a picture of her here on the blog, but, if you're a fan of my Facebook page, I will definitely try to post a picture there.  Unless something changes between now and tomorrow, we'll be heading to the hospital tomorrow morning around 8, with surgery scheduled for 11 a.m. 


T and I want to thank all of you for your support, prayers and for everything over these past  9 1/2 months.  All of it has meant so much.  I don't know any of you personally, but I feel like I do.  And the outpouring we've gotten from people we've never met has been incredibly humbling.


So Happy Valentine's Day everyone! 

  

Stubborn Mama...still in holding pattern

No news to report yet, I'm afraid, which is a good thing.  We're still on schedule for the c-section Wednesday morning, and I am officially now on maternity leave from work.  It's weird just sitting here thinking that in less than 48 hours we're about to be parents.  She'll be here.  Finally. 

 

 

We had a brief moment this weekend where the possibility of her arriving sooner than Wednesday was there.  Of course, I, in my immense stubbornness, failed to recognize it or even do anything about it.  My niece and nephew's 9th birthday was on Saturday, and we headed up to my brother and sister-in-law's house for the evening.  All day on Saturday, I was complaining of my lower back hurting.  Not sharp pain, but it was enough for me to be pretty uncomfortable.  We get to my brother's house, and I couldn't find a chair that was comfortable for me to sit in.  People kept asking me if I was okay, because it was apparently obvious I was uncomfortable, but the pain wasn't coming in waves like contractions, and it was in my back, not my stomach so I was sure it wasn't anything.  It wasn't until T and I got home, I went to get up and could barely stand up straight that he made me call the doctor.  I didn't want to because I figured it was nothing, right?  Why would I bother the doctor's office with my problems?

 

 

I also failed to tell T about another more personal symptom I was having so by the time I  shared that, the phone was put in my hand, and I was told to call.  I talked to the on-call nurse, first apologizing profusely for bothering her and saying that I was sure this was a stupid question...but I just had to ask.  You could almost here her laughing at me on the other side of the line.  But she took the message and said to wait for a call back.  So we sat there.  I looked to T and said "well, what if they say we have to go to the hospital?  What do we do then???"  T just kind of looks at me like I'm crazy and responds, "we go to the hospital?"  I tried to convince him that it wasn't going to happen.  That her birthday was February 15th and she can't arrive before then because our doctor wouldn't be available to do the surgery.  But, common sense seem to come back to me, and by the time we got a phone call back from the on-call doctor, who assured me that I was okay for now and to just monitor the back pain and see if it came in flows and whether it increased in intensity, I calmed down and realized that I had no control over the situation.  If she wanted to come, then we had no choice. 

 

 

I'm not normally this out of touch with reality, but I think fear kind of took over me at the moment.  Don't get me wrong, I'm excited beyond belief.  But I'm also scared.  Of the unknown and that uncertainty that not everything will be okay.  So...like I've said before, I'm not normally someone who says "hey everyone! pray for me!"  But if you could, I think my own peace of mind could use some prayers and positive thoughts to get me through these next two days and to give me the strength and calm I need to put it in His Hands and trust that everything will be just fine for me and for baby. 

 

 

Tomorrow, T and I will be heading to our church's Adoration Chapel to pray for just that.  This stubborn mama needs to let go and let God's plan play out.  And just wait for our little miracle to arrive.  In less than 48 hours....