Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Nain's dirty little secret

I'm not a hoarder, I swear. 
I'm just a wee bit unorganized. 
So this weekend, T and I finally completed a project he's been bugging me to do since we moved into our house in April, one that I kept putting off but promising him I'd get it done.  In due time.  Which I did. 
Let me explain...see, T and I are opposites in the whole organization business.  I have the capability of getting myself organized.  Last week, I managed to clear out and organize the file cabinets in my office in preparation for my maternity leave, labeling them and everything.  Sure, I've been meaning to do this since January, but hey...better late than never, right?  So when it came to combining our two apartments into one household, we had a ton of random boxes and items.  I mean, I come with a lot of "stuff."  As a teenager, I saved everything.  Everything.  For sentimental value, of course.  And in between my multiple moves in college, law school and post-graduation, I've accumulated even more from there.   Most of it ended up in our walk-in closet in our guest bedroom.  This closet is huge because of the design of the house, and it should be a nice, empty space, but instead, for the past seven months we've lived there, you can barely get in with all of the boxes.  Straight out of a hoarders episode.  When we moved in, I also went through my clothes and got rid of two moving boxes worth of old clothing.  Those boxes have been sitting in the closet for those seven months, too.  And, we also had a pile of items in the basement that I told T were were going to be selling in a garage sale to be set sometime next year, including an old TV, microwave, boxes of random "stuff," and some old, crappy lawn chairs. 
Poor, T...he's been patient.  He's so exited to finally get to organize his man cave this winter, and my "stuff" has invaded his sanctuary.  So a few months ago, I finally caved and said to hell with it, let's call Goodwill and just donate all of it. That was a few months ago.  Last week, I made the decision (after some pushing from T) that we would take care of it last weekend.  And I'd call Goodwill right away.  And I did, too.  (Yay, pat on the back!)
End result?  We left about seven boxes of old VHS tapes, picture frames, clothing, and various items, as well as the TV, my old trunk from undergrad, two ugly pink lawn chairs, and various items on our driveway this morning, to be picked up sometime today for Goodwill. 
The process of getting to that point was not pretty.  And being 7 months pregnant, I was very little help in terms of getting the boxes downstairs from the guest bedroom and upstairs from the basement.  That was all T.  But I was the one who went through all of those old boxes and bags and tossed items that were no longer needed.  And man, I had random items kept in the oddest of places.  No way do I remember how I ended up with two unopened plastic drop cloth packages or why they were placed in a box of picture frames.  And why were various Christmas ornaments located in random boxes?  Seriously, it was embarrassing.  But it's done.  Our closet is now clean and organized, and the basement has been cleared of all my crap.  I wish I could say that last weekend's efforts resulted in me being 100 percent organized in our house.  But  That's why I have T around.  To keep me in check. 
Baby steps, steps. 
I hope our little girl gets her organization skills from her dad.  Or we may be calling TLC to do an episode of Hoarding:  Buried Alive in a few years.  Just saying.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Freaking out

Okay, so maybe the title of this post is just a bit on the dramatic side. But that is how I feel at this current point in time.  Freaked.  Out.  (I credit a majority of this to pregnancy hormones...but some also to just stress and well, me being me.)

Reason?  Well, I looked at the calendar today and realized that December is in just a few days.  And that has me in a full panic.  Let me explain....

Christmas shopping?  What Christmas shopping?  Cards to send out?  Really?  Usually I'm on my "A" game, and by now I've bought pretty much every one's presents and have addressed and sent out my Christmas cards.  I'm productive like that.  But this year, I just don't have the energy.  I blame the third trimester for that.  But still.  I don't want to be that girl who is rushing at the last minute.  So I need to do it in my spare time.  What spare time?  In between work and the millions of doctors visits baby and I need right now, there is no spare time.  Just those hours when I get to sleep.  But I need to get on it.  Thus, part of the freak out.

And, wait, it's December?  I got this email today from reminding me that I'm 28 weeks today.  Dude, that's not that much longer until the little one arrives.  I mean, sure we're due on February 22nd, but with my size and my heart condition, part of me does have that fear that we will have her earlier than mid-February.  And well, I didn't plan for that.  I have work things to do up until the very day I give birth, dammit.  So I'm scrambling to plan ahead and write detailed directions for my staff for when I leave on every grant I write and report on, basically everything I do.  And that's a lot.  And I'm also a bit of a control freak, so I have a hard time letting go of my pet projects.  So yeah, I need to start building up some contingency plans here.  Because Half-pint will come when 1) she wants to and/or 2) when the doctors say I have no choice.  How in the world am I going to get all of this ready?  Am I ever really going to be fully "ready?" 

And getting ready for Half-pint's arrival...we have two showers coming up, and I've taken to checking our registry daily to see what is still needed.  While we're pretty good on the furniture...not so much on the other stuff.  I know most people, when they purchase presents for a baby, buy the cute outfits, the frilly girl stuff...which is all great and good.  Trust me, I love that stuff, too.  But...not exactly what T and I need.  It sounds completely awful of me to say that because I always appreciate anything someone would give us.  I'm just totally freaked that we won't get the basics we need and won't be able to afford them beforehand.  Rational? Probably not.  But you're talking to the planner here.  The girl who has everything set and ready to go way before it's due. 

And I've taken to hating sites like or (insert your appropriate pregnancy site here).  They have these little checklists on everything you're supposed to have done at a certain point.  No clue who these people are that think I should have x, y and z done at this point, but they can just shove it.  My current concern is getting a pediatrician lined up.  But there are all of these stupid other things that I haven't thought of or aren't sure they are important.  Dear lord, I'm failing as a mom, and I'm not even there yet. 

So I need to do several things here...1) invent some sort of time device to create more time in a given day, 2) win the lottery so that T and I can buy everything we need for Half-pint, 3) pay for a personal assistant who can help me with all of these tasks, or 4) invent some sort of cloning device so that one of me can be at all the doctor's appointments, another can be out shopping and preparing for baby and the third can be at work lining everything up.  Oh, and maybe a fourth to spend time with family and friends and T so that I don't lose any relationships in the time being. 

Think they have Cyber Monday deals on something like that?



Thursday, November 24, 2011

Pink Friday!

Shameless plug time!  I know most of you know that I'm a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant in my spare time.  With the holidays coming up (yep, haven't started shopping yet...go me!), and with my hatred of crowds and malls at Christmas, I'm offering special deals for people who shop with me online. 
So I'm having a "Pink Friday" sale starting at midnight and lasting all day on Friday, November 25th!  And you don't even have to stand in lines to order what you want.  To me, that equals perfection!  So without further's my "Pink Friday" plug!

Black Friday....why not make it a PINK Friday?

Avoid the crowds or shop online with me after you get home from the craziness and need some rest and relaxation! Because, really, you just can't beat these prices! So stock up on your favorites, and buy some for your friends and family!

50% off all lipliners, eyeliners and lip glosses!

Buy one mineral eye color or cheek color, get the other free

40% off any foundation

Cleansers - 25% off!

Extra Emollient Night Cream - 25% off

Eye creams (firming and age fighting) - 25% off

Concealors - 15% off

PLUS, when you refer a friend* (RSVP with each name)
Receive $5 FREE Mary Kay**
(when they make a $20+ purchase now-Nov 30)

Receive a FREE lip gloss, lotion, or mascara
(when you refer 5+ friends* now- Nov 26)

*Must be 18 or older and not a current Mary Kay customer

**Your $5 FREE must be redeemed Nov 26 – Dec 24, 2011

Happy Shopping!!!


Tuesday, November 22, 2011


I've been watching Facebook throughout the month of November and have been reading everyone's 30 Days of Thanks posts.  It's a wonderful idea to recognize those blessings in your life.  I've wanted to join in, but with the stress and sadness that November has brought, sadly, I never got around to it.  That isn't to say I don't realize my blessings and am not thankful for them on a daily basis.  Because I am.  But I don't think I've outwardly recognized them, especially one of them in particular.  Sure, he knows I appreciate him and love him, but I think maybe I should give a a great deal of credit where credit is due.

This year I am truly thankful for my husband, T.  I never thought I would be so lucky to be married to and in love with my best friend.  I get to fall asleep next to him every night and wake up next to him every morning.  He's my rock, my sounding board, the person who centers me and brings me back to reality.  He's my biggest fan.  Over the past year, he has supported me as I chose to make a major career change from working as a child protective services attorney to running a legal services agency and stepping outside of the traditional "lawyer" role.  He has supported me with my Mary Kay business, when others teased me for it and tried to downplay the fact that I truly do love to do it, he's been proud of me and supportive when I've needed it.  In March, he stood by me and held my hand as we underwent tests on my heart to see if we could have children and to see if I needed surgery before we could even try.  He cried with me tears of happiness when we found out everything we just fine.  He's shared my joy, excitement and trepidation as we discovered we were blessed with the little Half-pint in June.  He took care of me through morning sickness, exhaustion and crazy mood swings.  He's supported me 100 percent as my family had to make the decision to put my Grandpa in assisted living and later in nursing home care.  He's watched over me as my Grandpa's health as deteriorated, and he comforted me when my Grandpa finally passed.  He held my hand and stood by my side the entire time as we said good bye to him this past weekend.  He told me it was okay to cry and that I didn't always have to be the strong one.  He remembers the special days we share - the anniversary of our first date, the memories from when we got engaged, relives the joy of our wedding day.  With the high risk pregnancy, he has been my advocate and there for me the entire time.  He's watched over me like a hawk and made sure that I am relaxing, that I taking care of myself and put my health first.  He's been my everything. 

I may not say it daily.  I don't even think saying the words "I love you" are enough to truly express how thankful I am that God brought T into my life.  But I am.  I am forever grateful and blessed to have him as a husband.  And this year, more than ever, I would like to say thanks to T for being the man that he is.  I love you, and I couldn't be more blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!


Third Trimester

I am in the  home of this week, I'm at 27 weeks and officially in my third trimester.  Of course, February 22nd still seems so far away, but nowhere as far away as it did in June when we first found out we were pregnant.  Lots of things going on, too....
So according to emails I get from, she's learning how to breathe this week...mostly amniotic fluid, but still, she's learning how to breathe and can open her eyes as well.  She's as big as an eggplant, though I swear she has to be bigger than that.  I feel absolutely ginormous.  Every morning it feels like she's just expanding.  It's a good thing, but at the same time, wow...takes some getting used to!  She's still quite the kicker, and I've started noticing her hiccups as well.  They feel like rapid-fire kicks.  She kicks a lot when Daddy reads to her at night, which is super sweet.  According to the doctors, she's also measuring right on target, which is super important because my heart condition can cause her to be smaller.  But not the case with Half-pint!  We get to see her again in another ultrasound next week to make sure she's still growing, and I can hardly wait to see how much she's changed since the last time we saw her a month ago. 
I was lucky enough to find out that I passed my gestational diabetes test with flying colors, which was a huge relief because it was quite traumatic trying to get blood from me the day I took it.  So no 3 hour glucose test for me!  Last Tuesday, before we got the awful news, we did go to the cardiologist and I was told I could stop using my heart monitor and turn that back in (yay!).  My blood pressure was still up, so he doubled my medicine again.  I have to admit, I haven't taken any readings for about a week now.  I just felt that with all the stress of last week, any number wouldn't be too terribly accurate.  But I need to get back on that.  Hopefully things keep moving in the right direction!
Other than that...let's see...third trimester...well, I'm tired more often than I was in my 2nd trimester.  I find myself almost falling asleep at my desk at work.  Bad, Nain.  And the symptoms of the third trimester?  Ugh, can I just express my distaste for these? if I didn't feel about as unsexy as humanly possible, I get these symptoms.  Having to pee every time I stand up.  Heartburn after every meal and randomly throughout the day.  (Tums is my new candy...)  "Digestive issues."  I have now become quite adept at burping, too.  Loud, manly burping.  Even worse than T.  And...sigh, I found my very first stretch mark on Saturday.  (Shudder)  I've done so well not having one.  Damn.  So yeah, I'm sexy and  I know it, folks.  Hot stuff coming through here. 
My solace lies in the fact that we only have 3 months left to go.  My job is to just keep her safe, keep her growing and keep my stress level as down as much as possible.  Oh and decorate the nursery, too.  Two showers coming up in December so I'm sure I'll have pictures to post as we get things put together! 
So that is your 27 week update!  Stay tuned for more!

Monday, November 21, 2011


Hi everyone, we're back from a rather long and emotionally draining weekend.  I'm not going to lie...getting out of bed this morning was pretty tough.  I felt like I could have used at least four more hours of good sleep.  BUT my saving grace this week is that we have a short work week with Thanksgiving coming up.  I so look forward to catching up on my sleep Thursday through Sunday.  We need it after the past few weeks. 
Thursday, I decided to stay home to catch up on things before we left town.  I thought that would be best; however, being at home by myself meant being alone with my thoughts.  I chose to override the possibility of tears and sadness with staying as physically busy as humanly possible.  This involved grocery shopping, trips to the bank and post office, vacuuming the downstairs of our house, completely setting up my Mary Kay open house (which involved multiple trips up and down stairs to bring items to my dining room), walking on the treadmill for 30 minutes, and doing all of the laundry in the house (cleaning and drying, folding and making the bed with clean sheets, etc.)  By the time I had done all of that, I was tired and my back hurt like nobody's business. 
Probably pushed it a little too hard, especially considering how painful it was to walk in the evening when we headed to our church for a memorial service for the priest who married us, who we also considered a close friend and mentor.  That service was hard.  He was only 55 and died from liver failure.  It was sudden and unexpected.  I didn't handle the service too well, and I chose to blame my crying on hormones.  Of course, T said only I would blame my feelings of sadness over something other than just the fact that it was sad.  But it was truly sad.  And a shock.  I still can't believe he's gone. 
We got up on Friday and headed to Terre Haute to meet my extended family for my Grandpa's wake.  And by my extended family, I mean 10 aunts and uncles, 15 grandchildren and 12 great-grandchildren.  The wake started at 4:00 p.m., but the family had an hour before to be with my Grandpa and with each other.  I gripped onto T's hand as we each made our way to the casket to say a prayer.  I never handle this part well at all during funerals, and I couldn't hold back the tears this time or blame them on the hormones.  He looked so at peace, and despite the toll the past few month took on his body, the funeral home did a nice job in preparing him for burial.  But it hardly seemed real that he was gone.  Yes, that was his body, but not him.  He was already in heaven.   I felt bad for my nieces and nephews, too, because I know how hard it is to face this at such a young age.  My eight year old niece came up to me with tears in her eyes when she saw me crying saying "It makes me sad when people cry." It was hard.  It always is, and I don't think that ever gets any easier with age.  We were there for five hours, ending the day with a rosary, which Grandpa said daily.  He would dedicate a rosary to a certain person each night.  I was told, back in February, when we had my heart scare, that my Grandpa had said a few for me.  So our whole family said the rosary together for him. 
Saturday morning, we headed back to the funeral home for a quick prayer service.  Again, didn't handle this part very well.  The family had the opportunity to each say good bye to him before they closed the casket.  Never have I ever been able to fully say good bye at a funeral.  Not with my Aunt Linda or both of my Grandmas.  I can't do it.  I said I love you, as I touched the casket but I couldn't do more than that.  T, my rock, held my hand as we saw him for the very last time on this earth and headed to the church.  The funeral mass was touching.  Each grandchild had a part of the mass, as Grandpa would want it.  My Uncle Joe, the oldest child, gave a touching eulogy that made us laugh, smile and think fondly of the memories we had.  We processed out of the church and back to our cars to head to the cemetery.  As we got in the car, T looked to me and asked "are you okay?"  And of course, in my typical fashion, my response was "no, but I'm okay..." 
After the church, we headed to the cemetery for the military service before his burial.  On the way, we passed the home where he lived during his remaining years, and the landlord had put the American Flag at half-mast in honor of my Grandpa.  That was truly touching.  It was rainy and cold, but T said he saw a ray of light break through the clouds as we got to the cemetery.  Since my Grandpa was a veteran of World War II, the local VFW post was there to do a service in his honor.  They did a 21 gun salute followed by "Taps."  Despite my best efforts, I lost it during this part as well.  Something about that song gets me.  We concluded that service and headed out to the church hall for a luncheon.  After a three hour funeral service, we needed it.  T and I did want to see the headstone once before we left where both my Grandma and Grandpa's names were written.  The weight of the day broke me down, as I cried all over T's nice suit.  (Of course, not smudging makeup because I was wearing my trusty Mary Kay waterproof mascara, of course...)  My sister-in-law and twin eight year old niece and nephew joined us.  My sweet little niece gave me a hug and said "I'm so sorry, Aunt Nain, that you don't have any more grandmas or grandpas."  I gave her a kiss and reassured her that, yes, I do.  They're just in heaven. 
After lunch, I passed out for a good hour to two hours taking a nap in the hotel before leaving for dinner.  My Grandpa had a favorite restaurant in the small town where he was raised and lived until his passing, Kleptz, and he used to frequent the bar in this restaurant with my great-grandpa during my Grandpa's Navy days.  So all 45 of  us met there and shared a meal in his honor.  We needed it after the day we had, and I have no doubt he was watching down on us as we toasted him and shared our memories.  The dinner lasted until 10:00 or so, and by that point, I was at complete exhaustion.  In traditional family style, it was hard to get people rallied and ready to go back to the hotel.  This evolved into an argumentbetween T and I late that night, of which was my fault and was based solely out of exhaustion, irrationality, and just too many emotions from everything.  I think it was just an explosion of everything.  Short-lived, and completely unnecessary.  But my emotions were high, and I wasn't quite sure how to handle them. 
T was my rock this weekend, and I have no idea what I'd do without him.  It was difficult, I'm not going to lie.  As much as I knew this was coming and as much as I wanted him to be at peace, I'm still heartbroken that he is gone.  He will be missed so much.  God Bless you, Grandpa, and thank you for everything you have instilled in us as a family, all the love you have given, and for the amazing man you are.  We love you.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Until we meet again...

We got the phone call we have been waiting for for months.  This afternoon my Grandpa has been called home to be with God and be with my Grandma again.

It's hard.  He's been sick for so long.  I've wanted this to happen.  I've prayed for God to let him go and let him be at peace.  But a part of me feels broken now that he is gone. 

He's one of the smartest men I know.  A Navy Captain during World War II, an engineer, a loving father and grandfather (and great-grandfather to twelve, with two on the way).  He is an amazing man. 

I always looked up to my Grandpa when I was a little girl.  Part of me was a little scared of him because, well, he's my Grandpa...he was a strong, smart man.  But he always made me laugh.  His name was George, and he was born on George Washington's Birthday, February 22nd, which coincidentally is also Half-pint's due date.)  He always said that he couldn't tell a lie like George Washington.  He used to always drive my Grandma crazy when she was cooking in the kitchen, because he'd meddle around.  She'd go "Dang-nabbit, George!  Get out of my kitchen!"  He was always taking pictures when the family was there.  And always building something.  He and my Grandma would go to craft shows and find something cute for the holidays, he'd buy that craft piece and then make replicas of them for all of the children.  And he always was reading books, books about the Civil War, about the presidents, etc.  I am lucky to have several of those books now.

When my Grandma passed away in 2000, I was in college, and my college was pretty close to where he lived in Terre Haute.  So on Fridays, I would often make the drive there to have Friday dinner with him.  I'd call him, and he'd talk about how he was learning to make soup on his own, learning to cook and basically function solo.  He was always so proud of himself.  And conversations only lasted exactly 30 minutes.  But I always treasured those times I spent with him. 

Even as he got sick, I tried my best to see him as often as I could.  I would spend the night at his house after work trips, going to the VFW fish fry with him and watching Jeopardy until he fell asleep. 

It's been hard this past year as my Mom and her siblings had to make the difficult decision to put him in assisted living as it became harder and harder for him to care for himself.  He hated it there and missed his home, but at least he was around his belongings and in his own space.  It became harder this last summer as he was moved to a nursing home and his renal failure continued to progress. 

I've gone back and forth these past few months between not wanting to lose him and being angry at the fact that his suffering had gone on so long.  He truly didn't deserve that.  I wanted so badly for it to pass and for him to be at peace.  But at the same time, I didn't want to say good bye. 

I'm trying my best today and from now on to hold onto those memories, the thirty lucky years I got to spend with him as his granddaughter.  He was the best grandfather a girl could ask for.  He'll never know how much he was loved and how much he will be missed.

A memory I am going to treasure forever is the fact that he was there for my wedding day. That truly meant so much to me, as it did to my mom. And I got to dance with him.  I will treasure this memory for the rest of my life.

When I was in high school, we used to try to beat each other at this game where we could see who the first person was to say "I'm sure glad you got to see me!" and make the other person laugh.  He was always quicker than me at first, but I soon became quick to the game.  The last time I saw him on July 30th, as I hugged him for the last time, I kissed him on the forehead, told him I loved him and said "I'm sure glad I got to see you Grandpa." 
I'm sure glad I got to have you as a Grandpa.  I miss you already and love you always....

Monday, November 14, 2011

As promised..

This past weekend, T and I assembled two pieces of the furniture for Half-pint's nursery.  It's kind of exciting to see things falling into place for the room and to have it not just be an empty green room where we randomly hang up our laundry to dry.  (We will need to find a new place to put the laundry when she arrives...) So our first piece was the book shelf we ordered from Bed, Bath and Beyond, using the remaining gift cards we had left from the wedding.  We're starting a little book collection for Half-pint.   There's plenty of room for more!

For our shower, T's parents bought us the changing table we registered for at Target.  This box weighed a ton.  It was a struggle for us to get it in the house, and I probably shouldn't have helped...but...we opened it up downstairs and took pieces up bit by bit.  And you wouldn't believe the hardware that went into it either. For a piece of furniture from Target, this is built really well!  She has nicer furniture than we do!

The top part is just screwed in at the back, so when we're done using it as a changing table, it can become a shelf or entertainment center.  So it'll be a piece of furniture she will grow with.  Well worth the purchase!

AND....because I'm a woman of my word....and even though I think I look ginormous in this photo and my  hair looks like crap...I'm posting this.  Because I love you guys, and because some of you have been patiently waiting for this.  This is me at 26 weeks.  It's hard to truly see the bump because my dress isn't really form-fitting, but trust me, it's there.  And trust me...I feel huge.  I am struggling with the thought that I'm going to get even bigger and have 3 more months to go.  But my 5'1" frame only has so much room for her to go.  The only other direction is for her to grow out.  And she sure is doing that!

No other baby updates really...she's doing very well and her heart rate is good.  She's kicking up a storm and moving around a ton.  Mommy...well, she's still struggling with the blood pressure so I'm going to to the doctors all the time trying to work that all out.  And keep the stress level down.  That's a work in progress, of course...
Next step...the crib!  My parents do have it at their house, but right now with things with my Grandpa, it might be closer to Christmas when we get that set up.  But I promise to post pictures then!

Friday, November 11, 2011

Happy Veteran's Day!

Happy Veteran's Day to all of the men and women who have fought and given so much for our country!  Today I specially thank both of my grandfathers, T's grandfathers, and my Uncle Joe for their service during World War II and my uncle in Vietnam.  I never got to meet my grandfather on my Dad's side of the family, but I do know he was in the Army in the Pacific.  My Mom's father was in the Navy in the Pacific, as well. 
In honor of today, I'll tell the only anecdote I have from my Grandpa from his Navy days.  When he left to fight, he brought with him a picture of my Grandma.  He kept it by his bed on the ship.  He told us the story of once when they had to abandon ship, and it was invaded by Japanese forces.  When they were finally allowed back on the ship (after, I'm sure, whatever it was the Japanese were looking for was removed...weapons, security information, what not), he went back to his bunk, and the picture was missing.  Years and years later, after my Grandma had passed, we found a copy of the same picture he had with him on his ship, and this picture is now on his dresser at the nursing home.  He would laugh and say that she sure was pretty, and the soldiers on the other "side" must have thought the same.  So someone out there, has a picture of my Grandma...or had it at the very least :-) 
This past weekend, my Mom was emailed a picture of my Grandpa receiving an award at his nursing home for his service.  My 8 year old niece saw the picture, and my Mom explained to her what the award was for.  My niece responded, "OH!  I didn't know he was a veterinarian!  We need pictures of veterinarians for veterinarian's day!"  She is just so cute.  I couldn't bring myself to correct her because she was just so excited that she found a "veterinarian" to share with the class.  Such a cutie. 
So happy Veteran's Day, everyone!  And have a lovely weekend!  Me, I'm off to the doctor in a few for a check-up on the little girl.  I'll be back with pictures of the nursery so far and maybe a baby bump?

Thursday, November 10, 2011


I want to thank those of you who left such sweet comments on my blog yesterday.  Maybe it's the hormones, but I have to admit I did tear up from reading some of those.  While I am by no means 100 percent better this morning, I am making a concerted effort to focus on the positives and keep going, thanks to Sarah's comment.  Because I do have a ton to be thankful for.  Yes, I have a lot going on, and nothing I can say or do will change what is happening with my Grandpa or make it any better.  It just sucks.  But I do have to continue on with life, regardless of what obstacles are in my way and regardless of the hardships my family is facing.  I can't curl up and just hide.  So with that thought in mind, I thought I'd dedicate today's post to focusing on the things that are positive.  My blessings.  Because I am truly blessed. 
This past week, Half-pint has been particularly busy.  I mean, seriously, this kid is active.  During my training on Tuesday, I kept feeling her kick.  So I put my hand where I thought she was kicking. And sure enough, she kicked in that spot again, but at the same exact time, I felt something else below that point.  And that went on for hours.  It's like she was doing Taebo.  Every time I feel her kick, it just makes me smile.  Because it reassures me she's doing just fine and that she's getting bigger.  (As am I actually!  I do need a bump picture soon because dude, I feel huge!)
We received two pieces of her nursery furniture last week...a book shelf and her changing table, and we'll be putting those together this weekend.  I'm excited that her nursery is starting to come together!  My parents have the crib at their house, but unfortunately it is just too heavy for T and I to move by ourselves.  I promise to post pictures!
It's getting close to Thanksgiving...and I seriously love that holiday.  Watching football, lounging all day and eating?  Yes, please! 
And it's getting close to the weekend I'm having my first Mary Kay Holiday Open House...praying to God that it goes well.  But it's been fun getting ready for it all.  And I can't wait to decorate our new home for the holidays.  It's exciting to think that we'll be spending so many Christmases in this house with our new family. 
And of course, my biggest blessing....T.  I don't know what I'd do without him.  I know this has been particularly hard on him.  He feels helpless watching me go through this medical stuff and watching me worry and worry and worry some more about my Grandpa and how my Mom is dealing with everything.  There's not much he can do to fix it.  I know it's a male thing that when they see their loved ones going through something hard, they want to fix it.  But unfortunately, it can't be fixed.  And with my moods along the way, I know it hasn't been easy.  But he's my rock.  He always is.  He's my angel that God blessed me with her on Earth, and for that, I am forever grateful. 
So thank you, everyone, for your kind thoughts and prayers.  I felt more than loved yesterday.  For now, I'm just focusing one day at a time, and focusing on those things that are truly important. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Struggling to breathe

I have hit my wall this week. I'm not going to lie.  I'm not having one of the best mental health weeks by far.  Monday was my breaking point, and I simply haven't recovered since then. 
I was driving to work on Monday, thinking about my Grandpa and also about the fact that I had to leave before noon to head back home to make it in time for another doctor's appointment.  This one was for my asthma.  I have had difficulty breathing, and they aren't sure if it's related to my heart or asthma.  So I scheduled an appointment with my family doctor for this one, shunning the idea of seeing yet another specialist for my lungs this time.  So I was aware that I was going to be missing half a day of work to do some breathing tests to get to the bottom of that problem.  And for some reason on Monday, in the car, I lost it.  No tears, necessarily, but this feeling of just immense sadness came over me.  Too much.  It's just too much.  
I know it's completely normal during a pregnancy to see the doctor every two weeks towards the end of your third trimester.  But I have been seeing my High Risk OB every two weeks since 18 weeks.  And in between those visits, I am now seeing my cardiologist every two weeks. And now my family doctor once a month for my breathing.  I resent this heart monitor that is strapped to my body.  I have marks all over my stomach and chest from where the electrodes I wear have left.  I have fortunately have had about four readings so far, so it's possible the doctor won't need me to wear it for the full 30 days.  (Keeping fingers crossed for that one.)  Of course, shouldn't I not want these readings at all?  How sick is it that I want them to happen now just so this can be over?  I'm working evenings and weekends to make up the hours I miss at my job.  This week and next week alone, I think I'm missing at least 10 hours of work because of doctor's visits.  And I'm trying to save my vacation as much as possible for maternity leave, so I am busting my butt to keep up with the hours I lose.  On top of that, I have that fear of bed rest.  My blood pressure is decreasing for the moment, but I can't just assume I'll go the full 40 weeks.  I'm almost to 26 weeks now.  I have to line everything up at my office so that nothing falls through the cracks.  That is, if I have time to get to it when I do manage to make it into the office. 
And my Grandpa.  We don't know what's going on.  Monday night his blood pressure was down to 79/47.  My Mom called to say it could be any day now.  But the blood pressure is back up.  And the Type A/Lawyer in me wants answers.  I like to know what's going on.  I need to know all information possible.  Nothing left in the dark.  So I took to the computer, looking up renal failure, the symptoms and how to know when it's the end.  T asked me what in God's name I was doing, and I responded with "I need to know as much as I can."  No, I know I can't predict it.  I find myself getting angry with the fact that this is dragging on for him.  I struggle to find the fairness in it.  He's a good man.  A brilliant man.  A loving husband, father and grandfather.  It's just not fair that this is happening to him. 
And yet, somehow I'm supposed to not let this get to me.  I can't let this make my blood pressure go up.  But yet I can't be as active as I was before in terms of relieving stress.  I used to work out to let it go.  And how am I supposed to not let this affect me?  For those of you who know me well also know all too well that that just isn't possible.  It's not in my genetic make-up.
So now I find myself just numb.  And I just don't want to do anything.  I want to just hide and pretend that none of this is happening.  I don't know what to say about it, what to feel about it.  I've reached my breaking point, and I feel just awful about it because I should be stronger.  But I'm scared.  Of all of it.  And struggling to breathe.

Sunday, November 6, 2011


This weekend was not necessarily an easy one by any means.  We did have our good moments, including T kicking some major butt at the Monumental Half Marathon in Indy (totally proud of him!) and celebrating my Dad's birthday.  But something weighed on my mind all weekend. 
I don't like having negative post following another negative post.  But we did get some bad news this weekend about my Grandpa.  My family found this out earlier in the week, but my Mom was concerned about how to tell me with concerns about my heart and blood pressure.  But on Friday, I was told that Hospice has officially taken over care of my Grandpa.  We've talked about it for awhile, but they were holding off until we got word from his doctors that it was necessary.  They ran blood work on him last week, and the toxin levels in his liver are at levels that are at a crisis level.   Normal is somewhere around 5-26, and his are at 126.  He has also began to receive less and less oxygen in his blood, level purple marks all over his body.  He is at a Stage 2 feeding, meaning he has to be fed instead of feeding himself.  So Hospice has been called to come and make him as comfortable as possible and help ease the pain as best they can as he spends his final days.  We still don't know just how long that will be.  That part is the thing that I hate.
We went to church on Saturday evening, and I did as I have been for works.  I prayed to God to let him go.  I pray every week that this is the week when he passes.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't want to lose my Grandpa by any means.  I love him more than he'll ever know, and I don't want to lose him.  But I don't want this suffering to go on.  It's gone on too long.  This isn't the way I know he'd want to be.  He wants to go home.  Be with my Grandma.  Be at peace.  We all want that for him.  I found myself with tears running down my face praying that God takes this from him.  He has been through enough. 
I struggle with the decision, now that we know things have taken a sharp turn for the worse, to go see him.  The last time I saw him was in July.  My Mom made the statement that I said my good-byes to him.  I tried to think of when I saw him last.  Did I really say good bye?  Was it good enough?  Was it that kind of good bye where he knows that I love him and I will miss him all the time?  Would seeing him one more time give me that closer?  He's at the point now where he's hardly aware of who is there and can't speak.  So I'm not sure if seeing him once more would be for me more than it would be for him. 
The main reason why this decision is such a big struggle is my health.  The stress.  I have to lower it.  My blood pressure, thankfully, has started to lower from the medicine.  But medicine can only do so much.  My Mom's main concern was that it would cause too much stress on me to see him in the state he is in.  And she's right.  I know it would.  Taking my blood pressure about an hour after speaking with her, it was up.  God knows how it would be if I saw him again and witnessed first hand just how badly he has deteriorated.  My Mom said that I had to think of myself first.  And my baby.  And she said that he wouldn't want me to put my health at risk if he knew what was going on.  But still.  It's hard because I just don't know.  Will I regret not saying good bye? 
My heart hurts for what he's going through and for what my Mom and her brothers and sister are going through.  I wish I knew how long this is going to last.  I wish I could control it and make it happen quickly and as painlessly as possible for him.  But it's not in my hands.  All I can do is pray and wait.  Just hopefully not too long.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Checking in...

Sorry, guys, that I have been MIA the past two days.  Yesterday was one of those days where I hit the ground running and didn't have a chance to breathe, let alone write.  And Wednesday?  Well, that was a long day.  A discouraging afternoon, and it left me with not much motivation to write. 
I don't always like to just blurt out my personal problems in my blog and share my business and what not.  However, sometimes it's just cathartic to write it out and get it out there.  And sometimes honesty can bring about something bigger than yourself and can help you heal.  So, let's get honest.  Brutal honesty.
Wednesday afternoon, T and I headed to my cardiologist appointment.  I was told to see him towards the end of my 2nd trimester (can you believe I'm at that point???), so we made the appointment and went.  As you all know, I am a high risk pregnancy.  So I see the OB every two weeks, and this was just another doctor's appointment on top of all of the others.  I've had to monitor my blood pressure pretty closely every day just to see if it's going up and how high it's been going up.  I also have asthma, and with any pregnancy, as you get bigger and she grows more, it does get harder to breathe.  But I've been having times where my heart has been racing and I can't breathe easily.  I told my OB,  and his response was that this was something beyond his expertise and I needed to see my heart doctor. 
So we went.  We were the youngest people in that waiting room.  I've been going to a cardiologist my whole life, but it was like looking into a window into our future.  Elderly couples coming to see the doctor, a bag full of pills to show him, and they were falling asleep in the waiting room.  I had easily forty to thirty years on all of them.  We saw the doctor, and well...he wasn't too pleased.  With the blood pressure.  So I have been put on an additional medicine to the one I'm taking.  And I have to see him in two weeks.  I need to monitor it like a hawk, watch my stress level like no one's business and slow down.  And for the next thirty days, I am wearing a holter monitor for my heart.  I'm basically wired up under my shirt like I'm getting ready to expose the mob or go  undercover.  I've worn one before, and they are kind of uncomfortable.  So basically, my heart isn't doing quite as well as baby girl's.  And that has me scared. 
I know I'm a high risk pregnancy, and I knew this was a possibility when I got pregnant.  Having children has always been important to me, and I like to think that I take good care of myself.  But sometimes, things are just out of your hands.  I don't have control over what my body is doing, and I hate that.  I know that we see her little heart every two weeks, and she's doing just fine, growing and kicking and everything.  But as a mom-to-be, I want to do everything possible in my power to make sure that my child thrives, that she is healthy and happy and no harm comes to her.  I put her first.  But then there's my health, too.  What good is it for her to be healthy if the momma carrying her isn't?  And if they don't get this under control, then what?  Bed rest?  Or worse? 
I'm not going to lie to you, folks.  I'm scared.  T is, too.  I want to be here for my baby.  I'm scared of the unknown.  I only have just over three months left to go, but what could go on with my body over those three months has me totally freaked out.  I find myself thinking of the worries we had back in early March of this year.  I know we were told all of that bad stuff was a slim (very slim) possibility.  But it's a possibility.  And the thing that couldn't happen is something that I don't even want to write here.  I can't think of it.   I don't like even having an inkling of a possibility.  Zero is a much better number in my opinion. 
But at the same time, I can't think of those fears.  I have to push them aside, take a deep breath and say "it's going to be okay."  The girl who never slows down has to slow down.  I absolutely have to. 
So bear with me when I'm being brutally honest Nain here.  I knew this wouldn't be easy, and I knew this was a possibility.  I don't want pity by any means.  But I do need to let it out and trust that God has a plan for me and our family and that He's watching over us. 
So this weekend Nain will be taking it easy.  Slow, relaxing walks with T.  No over-exertion.  And maybe some chocolate.  Because that always makes it better.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

It's my blog, I'll bitch if I want to....

It's Tuesday.  I'm pregnant and I find myself in one of those moods where everything seems to just irritate me.  So...I'm going to vent.  And it'll be random.  And probably not pretty.  But, as the title of this post says, it's my I'll bitch if I want to!  So this is a list of things currently bugging me...

Political ads - I try to avoid being political on my blog.  I have my political views.  Many of you wouldn't agree with them.  But I don't write on this blog to express them. But I'm really ready for next week's election day to get here and pass on because I get so tired of the ads.  From all sides, too.  Such negativity.  And also the constant policital commentary on next year's presidential race.  It feels like the coverage just keeps going on and on and on and on. 
Unsolicited advice - Don't get me wrong...I have no idea what I'm doing with this motherhood thing or preparing for baby and my surgery.  BUT, that being said, my growing waist line does not open up the door for unsolicited advice.  It just doesn't.  And I swear to God, if I hear one more person say "just wait until this..." or if I complain about how I'm feeling, hearing someone who just had a baby say "that's nothing compared to what I'm feeling now."  Especially if the person complained the entire time she was pregnant.  Please.  Just stop.  Yes, I know I'm not the only woman who has ever been pregnant.  And I know that when the little Half-pint arrives, my entire world will change, as will my focus on what's important on a daily basis.  And yes, I know the whole sleeping thing will fall to the wayside.  But every pregnancy is different.  Every child is different.  Just because something happened to you doesn't mean it's automatically going to happen to me.  And unless I openly ask for your advice, hold it in.  Please.
On that same note.  Hearburn.  Why is it that water is giving me heart burn?  I had a small box of Halloween candy Nerds a few hours ago, and that box.  That small box.  Gave me heartburn.  Seriously?  I've been taking Tums, but man, I hate that stuff.  And I'm irritated with the fact that every day, I feel less and less attractive.  I'm this huge, gassy and bloated woman who can't see her feet some days, has leg cramps constantly, uses the bathroom every thirty minutes...can't wear any normal clothes.  I just don't feel....what's the word?  Pretty? 
And music.  What gives with the lack of originality on the radio?  Why must we overplay the same music over and over again?   Come up with something different.  And try a little variety, radio DJs. 
Oh, oh...and douchebag guys.  Driving in pimped out Hondas.  You're not fooling anyone.  Just saying.
Okay...I think that'll do. 
This has been a ranting of the Nain variety.  We will come back to your regularly-scheduled posts tomorrow...