Sorry, guys, that I have been MIA the past two days. Yesterday was one of those days where I hit the ground running and didn't have a chance to breathe, let alone write. And Wednesday? Well, that was a long day. A discouraging afternoon, and it left me with not much motivation to write.
I don't always like to just blurt out my personal problems in my blog and share my business and what not. However, sometimes it's just cathartic to write it out and get it out there. And sometimes honesty can bring about something bigger than yourself and can help you heal. So, let's get honest. Brutal honesty.
Wednesday afternoon, T and I headed to my cardiologist appointment. I was told to see him towards the end of my 2nd trimester (can you believe I'm at that point???), so we made the appointment and went. As you all know, I am a high risk pregnancy. So I see the OB every two weeks, and this was just another doctor's appointment on top of all of the others. I've had to monitor my blood pressure pretty closely every day just to see if it's going up and how high it's been going up. I also have asthma, and with any pregnancy, as you get bigger and she grows more, it does get harder to breathe. But I've been having times where my heart has been racing and I can't breathe easily. I told my OB, and his response was that this was something beyond his expertise and I needed to see my heart doctor.
So we went. We were the youngest people in that waiting room. I've been going to a cardiologist my whole life, but it was like looking into a window into our future. Elderly couples coming to see the doctor, a bag full of pills to show him, and they were falling asleep in the waiting room. I had easily forty to thirty years on all of them. We saw the doctor, and well...he wasn't too pleased. With the blood pressure. So I have been put on an additional medicine to the one I'm taking. And I have to see him in two weeks. I need to monitor it like a hawk, watch my stress level like no one's business and slow down. And for the next thirty days, I am wearing a holter monitor for my heart. I'm basically wired up under my shirt like I'm getting ready to expose the mob or go undercover. I've worn one before, and they are kind of uncomfortable. So basically, my heart isn't doing quite as well as baby girl's. And that has me scared.
I know I'm a high risk pregnancy, and I knew this was a possibility when I got pregnant. Having children has always been important to me, and I like to think that I take good care of myself. But sometimes, things are just out of your hands. I don't have control over what my body is doing, and I hate that. I know that we see her little heart every two weeks, and she's doing just fine, growing and kicking and everything. But as a mom-to-be, I want to do everything possible in my power to make sure that my child thrives, that she is healthy and happy and no harm comes to her. I put her first. But then there's my health, too. What good is it for her to be healthy if the momma carrying her isn't? And if they don't get this under control, then what? Bed rest? Or worse?
I'm not going to lie to you, folks. I'm scared. T is, too. I want to be here for my baby. I'm scared of the unknown. I only have just over three months left to go, but what could go on with my body over those three months has me totally freaked out. I find myself thinking of the worries we had back in early March of this year. I know we were told all of that bad stuff was a slim (very slim) possibility. But it's a possibility. And the thing that couldn't happen is something that I don't even want to write here. I can't think of it. I don't like even having an inkling of a possibility. Zero is a much better number in my opinion.
But at the same time, I can't think of those fears. I have to push them aside, take a deep breath and say "it's going to be okay." The girl who never slows down has to slow down. I absolutely have to.
So bear with me when I'm being brutally honest Nain here. I knew this wouldn't be easy, and I knew this was a possibility. I don't want pity by any means. But I do need to let it out and trust that God has a plan for me and our family and that He's watching over us.
So this weekend Nain will be taking it easy. Slow, relaxing walks with T. No over-exertion. And maybe some chocolate. Because that always makes it better.