Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
My husband must have never watched movies growing up. Seriously, he has seen pretty much nothing. Ever. I knew this going into our relationship, but sometimes it just hits me just how sheltered from movies he has been.
The man has never seen the Wizard of Oz or any part of Gone with the Wind. Granted, Gone with Wind is not exactly a “guy” movie, but still it’s a classic. Shawshank Redemption? Never seen it. Hell, the movie is played all the time on TBS or TNT on weekends, isn't it? Granted, I know that most of our weekend time is spent watching Disney or Sprout PBS, but still….did he ever watch TV or movies in high school or college?
None of the Oceans 11 series. I was the one who introduced him to Airplane! when we first started dating.
The other night we were watching Dancing with the Stars (well, no, I was watching it and T was begrudgingly trying to ignore it), and the theme was movie night. One of the movies featured was Ghost. He had never even heard of it.
Tommy Chong (yes, of Cheech and Chong) danced to a “Scent of a Woman” theme. This is my husband’s response:
“What is this movie? Does the woman smell? What is this movie about?”
I turn and stare at him, not responding.
The one that shamed me the most was Back to the Future one. The actress who played Loraine, the main character’s mom, is on the show so of course she danced to “Power of Love” by Huey Lewis. T starts making fun of the song: “What movie plays Huey Lewis and the News?” “T, it’s in the movie – very important.” So I try explaining who she is and what the movie’s plot was as T gives me a blank stare.
“Have you ever seen the movie?”
“But wait, you laughed at my cousin’s joke about the DeLorean. That’s a movie reference. Did you get it?”
“I knew it was in the movie.”
“Yeah but you can’t laugh at a movie reference when you don’t even know what it’s about.”
Then I turn to him and ask “what kind of bomb shelter did you grow up in? Did you even own a TV? Did you leave the house?”
I’m not sure he can be saved. I thought we could make a list and check-off movies as we see them, but I am not even sure there’s enough time to handle such a task. It’s insurmountable.
Monday, September 29, 2014
We had fun playing around the pumpkin patch/apple orchard. They have a petting zoo, rides and other little things for kids to do (and parents to spend money, of course). Aubrey had a good time, and that's all that counts. This smile...
She LOVED the cider. We each got a little cider jug, and she downed hers pretty quickly. I love this picture, btw...
Anyway, so we have been going to this place since I was first pregnant with Aubrey, and every year, we take a picture at the same place. It did not start off like a tradition or anything, but it has kind of worked its way into one. Looking through these pictures, it's amazing how things change and how the time flies. I believe somewhere around six months pregnant with Aubrey....
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Monday morning I will be doing something that I have not done in about twenty years. I will not be going to work. Not because I’m sick or on vacation, but because…well…I don’t have a job.
By choice, mind you. I’m not going into it because I am a professional, and I do not under any circumstances talk about my employment at all but I had to make a decision that was hard, took a lot of thought and was the right thing for me to do. However, I did it without the big thing I always have in the past – I did not have a job waiting for me. I won’t go into why either, but that’s not what matters to me at this point. What matters to me is….
What the hell do I do Monday?
I have worked since I was basically 12 and started babysitting, then working at Baskin Robbins, daycares, and so on…I don’t think (aside from first year of law school) I have ever NOT been employed. Hell, I worked when I was studying for the bar exam. So this is something that scares the hell out of me. I worked during my maternity leave, for God’s sake!
I am struggling with the feeling that I am letting my family down, and I am not going to lie that I am freaking out like you would not believe. I am fortunate, however, that I am in a two-income household, and also, I do have my writing. I’m not raking it in by any means but I am bringing in something. But still…
Friday night and Saturday morning found me quickly applying for various freelance writing opportunities until T essentially pulled me away from the computer and told me to stop and take a breath. That and think. It is going to be hard, yes. It is going to suck, yes, but I need to take this time to breathe and take care of myself, as well. I did not just get mono for absolutely no reason, after all. “You can start looking for writing gigs and then permanent jobs on Monday.”
What am I going to do? That is a whole other post for another day. For now, I am taking as many freelance opportunities I can and potentially doing contract legal positions as I do some real soul searching. I need to decide what it is I really want to do. I need to find something that actually makes me happy. For so long I have jumped from job to job because I had to and because I needed that immediate income. But none of those jobs were right for me, and what did that bring me? A resume’ with lots jobs for short periods of time, and I never wanted that. So I have some serious thinking to do, but a lot of writing in the process.
And I’ll be damned if I sit on the couch watching daytime TV all day.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Yep, that's right. The Wiggles! Me, Nain - the person who never in a million years thought she would go to something like this - voluntarily went into an auditorium of toddlers dancing to kid's music. But I did it for her, because this face was worth it:
Dude, she was excited. When we first told her that she was going to see the Wiggles, I'm not sure she understood until we got there and they actually came out on stage.
Did you guys know that they have a girl Wiggle now? And she's pretty talented, too. I have to admit they did put on a good show. This concert was not one of those either where they make you wait and go on stage like 30 minutes late. Nope, not when you are dealing with toddlers. You start on time and end before 8:00.
She was mesmerized, especially during the ballerina part where the girl Wiggle (Emma) and another ballerina danced. I'm thinking someone is going to be a ballerina for Halloween. She loved it.
It was a weeknight, and logistically with T coming from Columbus and me working downtown with the concert being at 6:30 downtown, it was a nightmare but we pulled it off and it was SO worth it just to see her smile like this.
Monday, September 1, 2014
We’re wrapping up this much-needed long weekend, and I am telling you I could so go for just one more day. Not just one more day with a child in my presence, however, but just one more day. Of sleep. Glorious sleep.
We had T’s family down from Michigan this weekend, and any time family visits is always a super fun time but also exhausting. Aubrey was in heaven seeing her Grandpa and Nana, and I’m not going to lie…it was nice having someone to entertain the kid every now and then, though Mommy was still in high demand. We even met up with my parents at a local winery for an Irish band concert and wine, so Aubrey was spoiled by both sets of grandparents. The parents stuck around for a fire pit that night, so it was a lot of good bonding time with the parents and children.
I love watching how close Aubrey is with both of her grandparents. I want her to have that good relationship like I did with my own grandparents. So it makes my heart so happy to see her loving all over her grandparents. She was in her element, too. The kid was so hyper it was ridiculous. At one point I considered putting a stake in the grass outside and tethering her so she could just run around and get the energy out. In that respect, it will be good to have things get back to normal with school and what not.
It is funny because I imagine T’s parents were more than ready to leave come Monday evening. They love Aubrey, I know, but they also do not live with a toddler full-time. I am guessing they longed for that peace and quiet, no matter how much they love spending time with her.
I do feel blessed T and I have good relationships with both sets of parents, and I know we are lucky in what we have. It really makes you step back and just realize what you have through these little moments like watching your daughter hug your mom or hold her Nana’s hand as she walks to the car. Or tell her Grandpa to stop hammering because his hammering noise was scaring her pee pee as she sat on the potty. Or watching her lay her head on my dad’s lap after a busy and warm afternoon outside. It is those moments.
Or it is those moments where she gives you a big hug and tells you “you’re my friend.” Those moments are pretty damn good too.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Thursday, August 28, 2014
A stigma is out there regarding people who choose to only have one child. I was not really aware of it growing up as I was the youngest of three and always that that only children had it so made because they got all of their parents’ attention and got anything they want. Of course, that misconception has quickly been erased now that I am the mother of an only child. Home girl does NOT get whatever she wants, let me tell you that. Anyway, now that I am the mother of an only child, I now get the stigma. There’s a stigma for everything, though – oh you didn’t breastfeed? Oh you had your child via c-section? Oh you are sending your child to private school? (Judge, judge, judge)
Anyway, where I’m going with this….
Since I have had Aubrey, I have heard the phrase or statement of “Oh, trust me I understand…you only have ONE child. I have (insert number larger than one).” Or I even heard the statement of “you’re not really a parent until you have more than one child.” Oh really? I seem to have stretch marks that would beg to differ.
I am not sure why people think it is acceptable to make these statements, and I am not sure on what basis they stem. I have come to realize that people say some really stupid things without thinking over the course of my 33 years on this planet. It does not mean it does not sting just a bit when someone says it. One of those most recent statements had to do with me having a hard time leaving my child. “Oh trust me, I would know. I had more than one child.” Okay, so does the difficulty in leaving one’s child increase with the number of children you have? I have one child so surely I could not miss my child as much as someone who has three, right? Or, I have a hard time leaving my child, and I have only one child whereas if someone has more than one child and is perfectly fine leaving his/her children, then there is something innately wrong with me or that makes me weaker? Oh. I didn’t realize. Noted for future reference.
I have gotten the statements of “oh, well, you have that heart condition so it’s okay that you only have one. It’s for your health and safety.” Um, yeah, even if I didn’t have a health condition, if I chose to have one child, that’s my and T’s business alone. I don’t need a justification. Nor do I need judgment.
A parent is a parent is a parent. Having Aubrey changed me forever. Yes, if I were to have another child, I would be changed even more, I am sure. But I do not believe for a second that if I were to have a second child, that would make me more of a parent. I am a parent.
I’ll put that right next to the statements of “well, when you become a real attorney” when referring to my working at DCS or as a pro bono attorney.
I’ll get off my bitch box now.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Oh, the 24 hour rule. Your child has to be symptom free for 24 hours before returning to daycare. I totally forgot about that, and I felt just awful trying to drop Aubrey off at daycare yesterday morning. (See yesterday’s post about being mom of the year – go, Nain! Way to read that parent manual!)
I think in a way I was really wanting to drop her off because the two of us need a break from each other. With it being so hot outside and her being sick, we’ve been cooped up in the house. Monday involved a lot of television, too, which I know, I know…it’s bad to have that much screen time but when your kid just wants to lay around because she feels so terrible, some TV is just what she needs. However, that meant watching her shows over…and over…and over.
We DVR the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse due to her obsession with Mickey and Minnie, and we DVR the show called Super Why. Both of these shows are so much better than Cailou so I really should probably not complain but I swear…I saw these episodes two times each at minimum. And with all of these shows, I had many questions that came to mind. Deep questions. Questions that you think only after watching hours of mindless children’s television programming…
So Goofy is a dog, right? And so is Pluto? So why can Goofy talk and Pluto can’t?
Pete is a cat? (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse) He doesn’t even resemble a cat. How in the hell is he a cat?
Does Mickey ever stop smiling? Is it all of the Prozac that makes him eternally happy?
Is it just me or does Mickey’s clubhouse look like a bunch of dismembered body parts?
Are the Mickey characters adults or kids?
So all of the trains on Thomas and Friends cause all of this “confusion and delay,” but they clearly have conductors driving the trains so what is the point of that? These trains seem to just do whatever they want so those conductors seem to be just unnecessary. If they really did anything why wouldn’t they just stop the trains from doing stupid shit all of the time?
The Island of Sodor seems pretty dangerous with all of these “accidents” these trains cause. A lot of derailed cars, if you ask me. I wonder how much insurance premiums are there? How is Sir Topham Hat still employed?
Is Sir Topham Hat emotionally abusive to those trains? It’s a lot like North Korea there if you ask me. And how did he become a knight? Who are those two men that just stand behind him like Secret Service wherever he goes?
They are so scared of ticking him off and all they want to be is a “useful” engine. I sense some brain-washing.
So the Berenstain bears are talking, human-like bears but they have pets like cats and dogs. How is that possible? I mean, if one animal can talk wouldn’t every other animal be able to do the same?
Did you know there’s a show called Dog with a Blog? Seriously. It is one of those Disney shows that is on after the Disney Jr. stuff. For those of you who have been with me for a while you know all too well that I absolutely hate things with talking animals. So this show….yeah, I hate it. Luckily I didn’t have to really watch it. Thank God, but it better be off the air when she’s at the age to start liking that stuff because I really don’t have the patience for that.
That Sarah and Duck show….who is this creepy man that follows them around (the narrator?) Where are her parents? What’s wrong with this kid that her only friend is a duck?
And what happened to the original Wiggles? They have a girl now? When did that happen?
So yeah, I need to go back to work. This isn't healthy for me or Aubrey. The numbers of brain cells I have lost over the past few days are going to take a while to replace.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Mom guilt. I hate it. I used to hear my friends throw that term around and think they were just being dramatic, but now that I’m there, I totally get it. That guilt you have when you leave your child at daycare all day? Been there. That guilt that comes along with not knowing something was very wrong at your child’s daycare? Yep.
And then there are the little things. I got my very first “you’re a mean mommy” the other day after I took her toys that she was using to scratch at her door during nap time even though I told her I’d take them away if she kept it up. I was right in what I did, but man that stung.
This past weekend I was kind of striking out, as well. Aubrey gave me her monkey (luckily not a prized possession like butterfly) to put in my bag while we went to the hair salon, and I lost said monkey as Aubrey walks around the car going “Monkey? Where are you?” Yep, sorry kid. Mommy lost your monkey. (Of course, granted, the parent in me wants to say this is why we don’t take our stuffed animals with us on errands…but still…)
Yesterday Aubrey was sent home from school after throwing up. She did this like 10 minutes after I dropped her off. The thing was, she was acting really puny and whiny before I took her, but it was hard to say why because she’s been like that off and on every now and then, and she’s like her Mommy in that she’s no morning person so I partially thought that could be it. So I took her to school but told the teacher when I dropped her off to let me know how Aubrey does because she’s not acting like herself. So I kind of had a suspicion I would get a phone call later. Not 10 minutes into my ride, however. But I drove away with that guilt of being that parent who takes her kid to daycare even though the kid clearly doesn't feel good because she doesn't want to ask off for work. I don’t want to be that mom but at that point I kind of had to be that mom. And I hated that.
Then I was that mom who didn't realize that her child had thrown up in the middle of the night. I go in her room to do the customary stripping of the sheets and sanitizing everything she could have touched and I step right in a pile of cold vomit. Nice. Instantly I felt absolutely awful because how in the hell could I have missed that? I didn't even think to case the room when I got her up that morning. It didn't smell or anything either. She was in bed when I got in there, and the vomit was behind the door. And then I think back to Aubrey waking up around 11:30 last night crying and me telling T to just let her put herself back to sleep because she wasn't crying that badly. She had thrown up and I didn't go help her. I didn't know, but I should have known. Mom guilt. Granted, all that matters is she’s fine, but her mommy didn't come help her when she needed it? I just left her alone? Ugh.
Luckily she’s feeling better, but I could use just a little break from the mom guilt. I know, I know, it doesn't go away…I’ll tell you this much, though – I have some mad respect for all of those mothers who I did not believe when they talked about mom guilt. I feel your pain. Props, ladies, mad props.
Monday, August 25, 2014
We are in the middle of potty training Aubrey, and it is never without its dull moments. Like most milestones with Aubrey (crawling, walking…) things are moving slowly, which really means she knows how to do it but will do it on her own time. (No idea where she gets this stubborn thing!) So as you can imagine a lot of topics of discussion at the Nain and T household are around the potty. I very rarely go to the bathroom, er, I mean potty, now without company. It is kind of nice, though, because I cannot remember the last time someone cheered for me when I went to the bathroom. Go, Mommy!
She is also into the poop and farting thing. In that respect, I suppose she is a lot like her Daddy. She’ll fart in the bath tub and go “oh, big fart!” And they don’t smell like roses, let me tell you.
As gross as it is, too, she insists on seeing her poopy pull-ups before I throw them out. She has to see it. So disgusting. But I’ll tip the thing up so she can see her “accomplishment” and she always goes “oh, BIG poop! I did that!” Yep. Good for you, kid. You took a giant dump!
She’s also somewhat of an old man in her routine. We will put her down for nap, and never fails – she’ll poop. She does this at daycare, too, apparently. So I’ll stall whatever it is I want to do during her “naptime” and wait about 20 minutes only to go back in there. Sunday, however, she did not fall asleep even after that first change. I come in her room to discover Axl Rose had destroyed the place, clothes everywhere, and she somehow managed to pull her overnight diapers from the dresser and they were everywhere. The dresser, mind you. Four drawer dresser. I have no clue how that feat was accomplished, but I imagine it took a great deal of determination.
I come in her room and lean to her level. “Aubrey, are you poopy again?” She looks at me ever-so-serious “I do one, two poops! BIG poops!” Dead serious face, counting with her fingers. It is so hard to not just crack up in times like these. I mean, I do, but still, I don’t want her to think we’re not taking her seriously.
But hey, she took one…two…BIG poops, guys. And of course, she did have to admire her work afterwards. That’s my kid!
We’ll just chalk this up to something that will embarrass the hell out of her when she is older.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
I grow very very tired of the “health scares.” It kind of comes with the game though when you were born with a heart defect. It happens. They seem to happen every two years, too…you know, like the Olympics? And well, what would you know, Aubrey is two so it’s been two years since I’ve had a heart scare so here we go!
It was unexpected. I got routine blood work done for a physical. Cholesterol and what not, so I got the blood work done and thought we’d go over it the next week at my physical. Instead I get a call Friday (blood work was Thursday), and it’s the doctor’s office asking if I’ve had any muscle aches because apparently my muscle enzyme levels were very elevated. Um, no, I haven’t. What does that mean? Does this have to do with my heart? “Oh we don’t know but we’ll run some tests that are heart specific and we’ll rule it out. But don’t work out this weekend.” SO, yeah, you know how that goes. WebMD it! Sure, I know better but the doctor had me alarmed, and all I kept thinking of was my previous cardiologist telling me he was consistently checking to see if my muscle lining in my heart had thickened. Muscle enzyme. Heart is a muscle. Mine works harder than most. So you see my logic. And it turns out that high levels of muscle enzyme are indications of a heart attack or serious muscle damage to the heart.
So of course all weekend I worried. I worried when I got blood work done Monday and also Tuesday when no call from the doctor’s office. I finally got a call on Wednesday that said everything was better and maybe it was an error in the lab. Hmmm, what?
By this point my muscles were hurting. I kept thinking it was all in my head after hearing the “news.” So Wednesday at work, I was getting kind of ticked with myself. Why am I achy? Why do I feel like such crap? I went home to lie down, which was good because I quickly developed a fever, well over 103 degrees. I had a fever from 100 to 102 for like four or five days straight. Yep. Mono. Blood work confirmed it, even though I kind of knew it. I had it in college really badly. We’re talking very badly. This was more mild and after two weeks it’s pretty much gone and I feel much better. I guess I wore myself down so much with everything that I got sick. And when I get sick it’s go big or go home.
Hey, you know what else the high muscle enzyme levels can indicate? Mono!
Huh. It makes sense now. Glad I thought it was my heart because that was a lot of fun. Let’s do this again sometime.
I swear if it’s not something it’s another. But I am thanking God that I am healthy and my heart is just fine. I am blessed because most kids who had the same surgery as me had follow-up procedures later in life, and here I am 33 years after my surgery, and I’m doing just fine. Thank God.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
I got off Facebook. For the second time, but I am pretty sure this time will be for good at least for quite a while. Forever? Quite possibly.
It’s a good tool to keep in touch with friends and family. I loved getting to see pictures of everyone and see what people are doing in life, friends I have not seen in years. But the cons kind of outweigh the pros. Facebook is a drama starter. It just is. I have read somewhere that Facebook is a huge contributing factor to marriages ending, friendships ending, what have you. T has been off of the thing since one month after Aubrey was born and he hasn't looked back. Granted he would look over my shoulder occasionally to see the stupid crap people put on there, making fun of it. I’m sure some of it is out of morbid curiosity, which honestly is what makes Facebook so appealing. Who knows…
We went to a concert the other night and it was kind of pathetic looking around at all of the people who are clearly with someone or a group of people and are glued to their smart phones. No interaction and you know damn well what they are doing. Some sort of social medium. I found it has even become a topic of conversation. You know when you are talking about Facebook rather than things that really matter, you may have a problem. That’s partly where I was.
I would say why I got off of it, but I will keep the real reason to myself. It does kind of suck that I had to resort to that because I do want to stay in touch with people who live long distance from me. A quick Facebook hello can be much easier than an email, but it is not worth it at the moment. Things you put on Facebook will quickly get turned around on you, bastardized and then thrown in your face. Over statements that start out as innocent statements. A person reads into that, a person reads your Facebook posts and reports them to another individual. I understand that privacy is a moot concept when it comes to social media, but at the same time, some sort of line should be drawn. However, rather than deal with that, I’m just taking a step back. I want to continue blogging, and my Pinterest addiction lives on, of course. I still have yet to understand what LinkedIn really does exactly, but hey, I will keep it. I doubt someone would really read into what you post on LinkedIn. Maybe they would, but it would not be as easy.
I know so many people say “oh, I’m not on Facebook (insert I’m better than you) and that’s totally not why I did it. I just do not like how others around me were using my own Facebook activity. That and at some point, I just have to take a step back and get some privacy. What about some of you? I would be curious as to other thoughts on social media because it certainly has changed life as we know it.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Oh, motherhood. I debated writing this post in the event that I would be turned over to child protective services (just kidding, of course), but a few weeks ago I got a real taste of toddlerhood. And it….well…it sucked. But I survived, and now I have a story to tell all of Aubrey’s friends when she’s in high school. And then she can share it with her therapist. The circle of life, you see.
Let’s start off with this – Aubrey has started wearing pull-ups as of a few weeks ago. She saw all of her friends wearing them, and we are potty training and all so it’s time. The only problem with these is it’s so easy for her to take them off. She’s the big girl now, wearing what she calls her “panties,” and she can take them off herself, thank you very much, Mommy. I don’t mind it so much when it’s just a wet diaper. The other type….
Anyway, so it was a nice Saturday afternoon, and I put Aubrey down for a nap. On the weekends, she actually has started sleeping every now and then but during naptime it’s always on the floor. I normally don’t care so long as she is getting some kind of rest. She was actually quiet so I didn’t think anything was up.
Two hours pass or so, and I go in there to check on her. As I get closer to the door I smell the distinct scent of Desitin. Funny, I don’t remember putting Desitin on Aubrey before nap.
I open the door and see her lying on the floor, hugging her butterfly. I tiptoe over there and am greeted with the sight of my daughter’s bare butt, covered in poop, her pull-up half off. Poop everywhere. On the carpet, all over her diaper changing box we use, her hairbrush, the carpet, coated all over her hands. “Aubrey!” was my immediate reaction. She startled awake and started crying. And then I noticed the Desitin tube, open and covered with poop. And white Desitin smeared by her mouth.
I kicked into high gear, immediately taking her to the bath tub, stripping her down and cleaning every inch of poop off of my kid as she sat there pitifully crying. I tried my best to calm her down and tell her it’s okay, it’s okay, Mommy’s here, trying to not freak out about her ingesting Desitin. T was outside mowing so I’m shouting out the window for him to get up there, which he does, and the only thing I can get out is “shit, everywhere!” to him.
We clean her off, call poison control who told us that this is actually quite common and totally not harmful to her. Sigh of relief breathed there. Then we had to tackle the task of cleaning the shit from all over her room. Oh what’s that? Her precious butterfly? Poop and Desitin was on her too, so I had to take her and clean her off and throw her in the dryer. You would have thought I just shot a puppy right in front of Aubrey. I have never seen her so traumatized in my life. Seriously. It was funny but at the same time I really felt for her. I didn’t make the thing stay in the dryer the whole time, so I took it out damp and gave it to Aubrey wrapped in a towel who grabbed from me, giving me one of those “bitch, step off” looks. I didn’t get to touch the thing for the rest of the day.
We had to shampoo the carpets, wash everything and then throw away the things that were not salvageable. Poop. On my carpet. Ugh.
So here’s what we think happened. Aubrey’s an independent kiddo. She always seems to poop once we put her down for a nap, and we have to go in there and change her before she finally falls asleep. My guess is that happened. Little Miss “I have panties and am a big girl,” God love her, decided to change it herself.
Someone said, “Well, put that diaper box high so she can’t reach it.” Yeah, we did that. I have no freaking clue how she managed to get that down. It now sits in the closet when we put her to bed. With a child proof door handle. But she managed to get it down, and I’m guessing she thought “Mommy puts this cream on me, so I’ll do it myself.” And then was tempted to try said Desitin. She tried wiping her hands off (carpet, window, etc.) But here’s the thing – she never cried. You would think she would have cried for us and not fall asleep surrounded and covered in poop. I don’t get it.
We survived and now have a story we will laugh about someday. Not yet because I’m still traumatized but someday…and she now has something to share with her therapist as she gets older. Because you bet your ass Mommy is using this little story as needed.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Thursday, July 10, 2014
I am cursed with something that will always plague me. Taking on too much. I take on too freaking much until life really isn’t that fun, and all I do is work on the various tasks I have willfully imposed upon myself. I did it in high school…it was not enough to just do one activity. No, I had to work 20 hours a week, do newspaper and orchestra, all of these often falling on the same day. I had to work two jobs during summers in college, giving myself mono one summer from working too hard. I took on the Mary Kay thing, a musical instrument (again), and writing. I started with the blog and then bam, started writing for about seven different publications at a time. And working full time.
Oh and what’s that other thing? Oh right. I am also a wife and mother. I forgot about that.
Or at least it seems that way. And I know it seems that way to T. It is one of the things that has come up in our discussions as we work through the weeds of where we currently are in our marriage. Ever since we have had Aubrey I have not put enough time aside for my relationships. When I do, it’s Aubrey. At the end of the day, after I have run myself ragged trying to do all of the things I put on myself, the only ounce of affection and care I can give is to our daughter. I try to give more. But I have nothing much to give to T or even to myself.
We would spend our evenings sitting on opposite ends of the couch, both of us on our computers. I would be working well until 10 p.m. on a story or two, while T would search the Internet just wasting time until I was done with the computer or ready for bed. If we did not have the computers out we would be watching TV. No conversation. No interaction. Any interaction we did have would be once the kiddo was in bed and we were eating dinner at 7:30 p.m.
When we first met, I gave of myself so readily and easily. True, I had more time because I was not a mom at that point in time. We were not married and lived in our own separate spaces so we had our own “me” time. So when we did have our “us” time we could not get enough of each other. Sitting up and talking until midnight was so easy. Now T’s lucky if I even stay awake past 9:30 p.m. By the time we get to the end of the day and sit down, I usually pass out unless I’m sitting behind the computer.
How does that make the other feel? I never really thought about it. I always just thought T was being unfair or irrational when he would get irritated that I essentially ignored him all evening. I thought he was not being supportive, was being too hard on me, not fair. While, yes, I am sure some of the times he was in the wrong, but I can see the frustration and where it came from. We don’t interact. We don’t know how to talk to each other, and when we do, it’s business – work, bills, house, and Aubrey.
It is a realization I have hit, and I am working like hell to change it and make it better. Relationships do not just maintain on their own. You have to nurture them, make them grow. That cannot happen if we are both so distracted to even see what is going on in the other person’s world.
Am I finding it harder to find time to get articles out? Yes. Have I fallen behind on my emails? Yes. But am I spending more time with the one person who means more to me than anything in this world? Yes. And that, to me, is so much more worth it.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
I have this thing. I am scared of pissing anyone off. In fact, I would venture to argue that it is more than just a thing. It’s an all-out paralyzing fear. I hate confrontation. I hate yelling. I mean, I know everyone is like this unless you are one of this sick and twisted people who like yelling at others. If that’s the case then kudos to you?
I think what you would call it is I am a people pleaser. And a worrier. That has become a problem. The problem arises when I have people at all aspects of my life at different angles with different needs, and there I am in the middle trying to please them all.
I write this as I know I may or may not have a confrontation tomorrow coming up, even though it is all highly possible that it will not be as bad as I think it will. It could be worse, who knows? Anyway, that fear is kind of propelling me to write about fear in general and where that lines up to what’s going on in my life right now.
I have always been a people pleaser. I walk on eggshells because I have been trained to do so. As a child, a teenager, an adult, I have been through a series of relationships whether those be familial, friend, significant other, boss, etc., where I am absolutely petrified of letting that person down, losing that person or causing them to be upset or disappointed in me. It is inherently unhealthy. You do not go through a series of counselors with each one telling me the same exact thing and not come to that conclusion. However, it is a problem when you do not listen to the advice. And it just keeps going and going like that damn Energizer bunny.
Where does this play in? It comes in with my relationship with T and my family. That, which is to be a subject of a later post, is causing a great deal of the tension, and like Pavlov’s dog, I am conditioned to react in a certain manner, my loyalties going to my family. But that cannot always be the case. In most circumstances my loyalties should probably lie elsewhere. And that is causing a huge issue, if not one that is threatening to break us.
It is frustrating. So I am venting. This problem is one of the many T and I are tackling, because like tonight, it seems to rear its ugly head all the freaking time. Says the girl who is sitting here freaking out about what lies ahead tomorrow.
It’s amazing what fear can do to you, isn’t it? Too bad I am not one of those people who can just say “oh well” or “to hell with it.”
Ah, to hell with it.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Recently, I've come back to my blog because, like an estranged friend, I have missed it. Having time to actually blog has been difficult, but that’s not really why I have not really been great at blogging these past few months. See, I pride myself on being open and honest when I write. Certain subjects have always remained off limits to me, but the thing is, they are huge parts of who I am and my life. It is hard to come up with writing material when the main parts of your life are falling apart all around you. I’m not one to be fake, so bringing myself to write up some “see what an awesome mom/wife I’m being” posts just wasn’t in me.
Don’t get me wrong – I have a ton to brag on when it comes to T and Aubrey. However, when something is wrong and it’s really taking a great deal of my attention, emotional energy, you name it; it’s hard to just push that aside and play happy.
Before I go further – no, I am not dying. T is healthy, Aubrey is healthy. We both still have our jobs. We have our house.
However, all is not right in Whoville. Rather, Nain-T-ville. We have been going through some….stuff. It’s hard for me to even write that out because I don’t want to admit we are anything other than the perfect couple with the perfect family, but like pretty much everyone else out there, we are not. I have held back on that on this blog ever since it has been building up, but as T and I work through things, I have asked him if I can open up and be honest on this blog. He has said yes, and anything I say on here is nothing that he does not know or approve of me saying.
Things have been building up, like I said. Building up since we had Aubrey. As we went through those six months of sleep deprivation, other problems just kept brewing under the surface. Neither of us wanted to really address them, and all that resulted in that was a lot of fighting. We have argued more than I want to admit because, like I said, I want everyone to see us as this super couple. However, the arguments never really led to anything other than hurt feelings and resentment but one or both of us just apologizing to finish the argument or just pretending it didn’t happen. It wasn’t until a couple months ago that in a few of our more contentious arguments that things came to the surface. And the shit hit the fan so to speak. And a word I never ever would throw out was thrown out. By me.
No, not the “d” word. But not much better. Separation.
Neither of us would actually do it, but it scared both of us enough that we realized something had to change. The change is not easy. It is not pleasant, and it’s taking a lot of me admitting that maybe, just maybe, I need to listen and really hear T more to get to that change. I’m not always right, though I like to be. We’re both at fault, but the fault thing really doesn’t matter. All that matters is where we go from there.
I’m on Team T&A (Yes, our initials are inappropriate, I know), and so is T. We said forever, and we meant it. I love him more than anything in this world, and I’m not willing to ever give up on us. Ever. We have both been making some changes, have discussions that last three hours plus with both of us tearing up at least once or twice. But it’s necessary.
Hence me opening up on here. See, the reason I never brought up family life before is because I’m not that person who is going to husband bash. I’m not going to use this blog as some kind of platform so you all walk away hating T. I am opening up because it’s who we are, it’s what’s going on with us, it’s the whole reason why I started this blog to begin with. I am exactly the person that I put out there in this blog. That’s me – good, bad and ugly. This is my life, and this is something huge happening with us right now. And, like I said, nothing I would say here would not have already been said to T, not said without his okay, and well….it’s not me just saying how much my life and my husband suck.
So you may not read posts that are all rainbows and ponies. But, as I put it to someone the other day, “Shit is about to get real.”
Or is it “It’s time for when people stop being polite and start getting real…the real world. Nain and T edition.”
I had to put that in there.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Friday, July 4, 2014
Five years ago today, this happened....
Monday, June 2, 2014
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Hate is a strong word but I really really don't like the drunk asshole who slammed into my car in 2004. I am sure he walked away just fine while I have to deal with chronic neck pain for the rest of my life. Asshole.