Mom guilt. I hate it. I used to hear my friends throw that term around and think they were just being dramatic, but now that I’m there, I totally get it. That guilt you have when you leave your child at daycare all day? Been there. That guilt that comes along with not knowing something was very wrong at your child’s daycare? Yep.
And then there are the little things. I got my very first “you’re a mean mommy” the other day after I took her toys that she was using to scratch at her door during nap time even though I told her I’d take them away if she kept it up. I was right in what I did, but man that stung.
This past weekend I was kind of striking out, as well. Aubrey gave me her monkey (luckily not a prized possession like butterfly) to put in my bag while we went to the hair salon, and I lost said monkey as Aubrey walks around the car going “Monkey? Where are you?” Yep, sorry kid. Mommy lost your monkey. (Of course, granted, the parent in me wants to say this is why we don’t take our stuffed animals with us on errands…but still…)
Yesterday Aubrey was sent home from school after throwing up. She did this like 10 minutes after I dropped her off. The thing was, she was acting really puny and whiny before I took her, but it was hard to say why because she’s been like that off and on every now and then, and she’s like her Mommy in that she’s no morning person so I partially thought that could be it. So I took her to school but told the teacher when I dropped her off to let me know how Aubrey does because she’s not acting like herself. So I kind of had a suspicion I would get a phone call later. Not 10 minutes into my ride, however. But I drove away with that guilt of being that parent who takes her kid to daycare even though the kid clearly doesn't feel good because she doesn't want to ask off for work. I don’t want to be that mom but at that point I kind of had to be that mom. And I hated that.
Then I was that mom who didn't realize that her child had thrown up in the middle of the night. I go in her room to do the customary stripping of the sheets and sanitizing everything she could have touched and I step right in a pile of cold vomit. Nice. Instantly I felt absolutely awful because how in the hell could I have missed that? I didn't even think to case the room when I got her up that morning. It didn't smell or anything either. She was in bed when I got in there, and the vomit was behind the door. And then I think back to Aubrey waking up around 11:30 last night crying and me telling T to just let her put herself back to sleep because she wasn't crying that badly. She had thrown up and I didn't go help her. I didn't know, but I should have known. Mom guilt. Granted, all that matters is she’s fine, but her mommy didn't come help her when she needed it? I just left her alone? Ugh.
Luckily she’s feeling better, but I could use just a little break from the mom guilt. I know, I know, it doesn't go away…I’ll tell you this much, though – I have some mad respect for all of those mothers who I did not believe when they talked about mom guilt. I feel your pain. Props, ladies, mad props.