Awhile back, I opened up and wrote about my struggles with post partum depression. I felt so touched by all of your support and feedback, and it really lifted me up to know so many out there could sympathize with what I was feeling.
I am feeling better. I take it day by day, but I am. However, I have my moments. I'm probably too hard on myself. It was only just six months ago when Aubrey was born, but I'm the kind of person who expects a miracle overnight. I should be fine by now, right? How much longer does this go on? When will I stop feeling that immense sadness wash over me at times? When can I consistently concentrate at work? When will I stop feeling so bad about myself?
Just putting this out there, but if there are any of you who have an answer to this...do share.
The truth is, I'm struggling. I'm having an extremely hard time juggling the work-life balance. I'm a mother, but I am also the director of an organization. I'm the boss. The buck stops here. And not only am I the director of an organization, but one that is going through an extreme funding crisis. And it's legal work, which is in and of itself, inherently stressful. I'm somewhat of a newlywed. I have this new life to take care of and nurture, someone who depends on me for everything in this world. I have just come out of a high risk pregnancy, ten scary months of "what ifs." And I'm struggling.
I don't like admitting that. Because I am super woman, right? I should be doing it all.
But I can't.
This past weekend, it was just me and Aubrey. T was on a work trip, and these work trips he has to go on are super intense. I can go days without getting to speak to him, only through text. My brother came down and kept me company on Saturday, but Sunday was hard. Aubrey was particularly fussy, and I had work I had brought home with me. I always have work to bring home with me. I chose not to do said work because I had other stuff to do, as well - laundry, cooking, preparing lunches for the week...washing bottles, constantly changing Aubrey. (Not sure if this is a solid food thing, but the kid poops a lot now. A LOT.) And constantly moving her from sitting with me, to the bouncy seat, to a blanket on the floor, to her play mat, because she gets bored quickly. By the end of the day, as I gathered through text messaging T that I wasn't going to get to speak to him, I just wanted to cry. In fact, I did.
Our vacation was my break, but that is now over and gone, no time off in the near future. I feel so guilty if I bring work home with me because I should be nurturing my relationship with T and spending time with Aubrey. But if I don't bring work home, I'm stressed during the day. And I don't have time for my Mary Kay business. Or my friends. Or my family. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, and more importantly, I feel like I'm letting myself down. I am the hardest person to please, you know.
I still have those moments where I will be working away and all of a sudden something triggers it - that sadness. And then I'm done. Some days I feel like I'm just a walking zombie getting through my day. We'll get home from Columbus, and I wonder how I managed to drive us home.
And I am still receiving some treatment for all of this, but honestly, I thought the post partum was only supposed to last a short time. Once those hormones leveled off, right? It should be quicker than this, right?
Sorry for my ramblings...but this sure was cathartic.