Selfish

Lately, I've found myself wanting to be just a little bit selfish - with my time.  Sometimes I find that my time doesn't really feel like my time.  It's everyone else's time, and I just kind of go along for the ride.  Or at least that's the way things worked in my world pre-baby.  I managed to juggle it all pretty well, too.  I got things done, but I was always running around.  It's exhausting.  And when it came to me and to my time....well, there just wasn't any more left. 


After Aubrey's arrival, this sacrifice became a little more obvious.  Everyone wanted a piece of our time...well, actually really Aubrey was the motivating factor.  Quickly our weekends became not our own but opportunities to drive ourselves crazy trying to spend time with everyone and please everyone.  It was like a switch was hit.  All of a sudden, as soon as we were leaving that hospital room, our weekends were booked.  We were booked.  We never got a chance to breathe, to just sit back and look around and go "hey, we're a family now!"  And the more that happened, the more both T and I began to resent it.  And others in the process. 


T and I handle that resentment differently, of course, because we are two different people.  Me, I internalize it.  I keep it in until I have a breakdown, and it wasn't too long ago that that breakdown finally occurred.  I just can't do it.  I can't keep trying to please everyone and make time for everyone.  Because I'm never making time for myself. 


We've started pulling back.  It's been super hard for me, too, because we're getting a backlash because of it.  But I have to.  We have to.  Something eventually has to give.  It's as simple as that. 


During the week, we have no time.  We get up at 5:30, one of us works out while the other gets Aubrey ready, eat breakfast, shower and head off to drop her off at daycare and work.  We get off work and pick her up at daycare, not really getting out until 5:00 or 5:15 p.m.  Then comes the hectic 45 minute commute home.  By the time we get home it's basically 6:00 p.m.  Get out of the car, unload, someone has to get Aubrey out and play for her for a bit while the other rushes around preparing for dinner, washing and preparing her bottles for the next day, and packing lunches.  We've become quite adept at quick eating, always watching the clock knowing that at 7:00 we need to start Aubrey's bedtime routine.  Bath, book and bottle, and then she's down by around 8:00 p.m.  Then comes that precious time.  Two hours we get to just do whatever we want.  But even then, it's not quality time.  It's not enough. 


I find myself sitting at my desk at work, looking through pictures of T and Aubrey on my phone and on Facebook, missing them so much.  Sure, I see them every day, but I don't get to really see them.  So when it gets to the weekends, that's all I want.  I want to snuggle my girl, kiss on her, make her giggle, watch her sleep, and spend Daddy/Mommy/Aubrey time.  I want some peace.  Some quite.  Just the three of us.


Now that it's summer I want to do things as a family.  I've waited my whole life to be a mother, and even though I know Aubrey is so little and won't remember any of the things we do or trips we take, I want to start making memories now.  And yes, I want that time to be just the three of us.  And some days...I couldn't feel worse about it. 


I'm aware that others want to spend time with us and see Aubrey.  I can empathize with that.  But I want to be selfish.  I want me time, us time.  I want to scream "I can't do it all!"  when people make me feel guilty for not visiting or not spending time with them. 


Not having that space and time hasn't been easy on me either.  Not with the post partum I spoke about a few weeks ago.  Eventually Mommy is just going to crack.  I am afraid that time is not too far off. 


So for now, I need to be just a bit selfish.  And others will just have to understand. 


Thank you for letting me vent just a bit here - I began writing this wanting to focus on another topic all together, but as I began to write, I just kept going.  These are my thoughts - the good and the bad.  And you know what?  It feels pretty good to just get it out.  So yes, thank you for listening! 


Have a lovely weekend, everyone!  Me, I plan to spend as much time as possible with my two favorite people.  Just because I can.