Recently, I've come back to my blog because, like an estranged friend, I have missed it. Having time to actually blog has been difficult, but that’s not really why I have not really been great at blogging these past few months. See, I pride myself on being open and honest when I write. Certain subjects have always remained off limits to me, but the thing is, they are huge parts of who I am and my life. It is hard to come up with writing material when the main parts of your life are falling apart all around you. I’m not one to be fake, so bringing myself to write up some “see what an awesome mom/wife I’m being” posts just wasn’t in me.
Don’t get me wrong – I have a ton to brag on when it comes to T and Aubrey. However, when something is wrong and it’s really taking a great deal of my attention, emotional energy, you name it; it’s hard to just push that aside and play happy.
Before I go further – no, I am not dying. T is healthy, Aubrey is healthy. We both still have our jobs. We have our house.
However, all is not right in Whoville. Rather, Nain-T-ville. We have been going through some….stuff. It’s hard for me to even write that out because I don’t want to admit we are anything other than the perfect couple with the perfect family, but like pretty much everyone else out there, we are not. I have held back on that on this blog ever since it has been building up, but as T and I work through things, I have asked him if I can open up and be honest on this blog. He has said yes, and anything I say on here is nothing that he does not know or approve of me saying.
Things have been building up, like I said. Building up since we had Aubrey. As we went through those six months of sleep deprivation, other problems just kept brewing under the surface. Neither of us wanted to really address them, and all that resulted in that was a lot of fighting. We have argued more than I want to admit because, like I said, I want everyone to see us as this super couple. However, the arguments never really led to anything other than hurt feelings and resentment but one or both of us just apologizing to finish the argument or just pretending it didn’t happen. It wasn’t until a couple months ago that in a few of our more contentious arguments that things came to the surface. And the shit hit the fan so to speak. And a word I never ever would throw out was thrown out. By me.
No, not the “d” word. But not much better. Separation.
Neither of us would actually do it, but it scared both of us enough that we realized something had to change. The change is not easy. It is not pleasant, and it’s taking a lot of me admitting that maybe, just maybe, I need to listen and really hear T more to get to that change. I’m not always right, though I like to be. We’re both at fault, but the fault thing really doesn’t matter. All that matters is where we go from there.
I’m on Team T&A (Yes, our initials are inappropriate, I know), and so is T. We said forever, and we meant it. I love him more than anything in this world, and I’m not willing to ever give up on us. Ever. We have both been making some changes, have discussions that last three hours plus with both of us tearing up at least once or twice. But it’s necessary.
Hence me opening up on here. See, the reason I never brought up family life before is because I’m not that person who is going to husband bash. I’m not going to use this blog as some kind of platform so you all walk away hating T. I am opening up because it’s who we are, it’s what’s going on with us, it’s the whole reason why I started this blog to begin with. I am exactly the person that I put out there in this blog. That’s me – good, bad and ugly. This is my life, and this is something huge happening with us right now. And, like I said, nothing I would say here would not have already been said to T, not said without his okay, and well….it’s not me just saying how much my life and my husband suck.
So you may not read posts that are all rainbows and ponies. But, as I put it to someone the other day, “Shit is about to get real.”
Or is it “It’s time for when people stop being polite and start getting real…the real world. Nain and T edition.”
I had to put that in there.