Running on empty

I am cursed with something that will always plague me.  Taking on too much.  I take on too freaking much until life really isn’t that fun, and all I do is work on the various tasks I have willfully imposed upon myself.  I did it in high school…it was not enough to just do one activity.  No, I had to work 20 hours a week, do newspaper and orchestra, all of these often falling on the same day. I had to work two jobs during summers in college, giving myself mono one summer from working too hard.  I took on the Mary Kay thing, a musical instrument (again), and writing.  I started with the blog and then bam, started writing for about seven different publications at a time.  And working full time.

Oh and what’s that other thing?  Oh right.  I am also a wife and mother.  I forgot about that.

Or at least it seems that way.  And I know it seems that way to T.  It is one of the things that has come up in our discussions as we work through the weeds of where we currently are in our marriage.  Ever since we have had Aubrey I have not put enough time aside for my relationships.  When I do, it’s Aubrey.  At the end of the day, after I have run myself ragged trying to do all of the things I put on myself, the only ounce of affection and care I can give is to our daughter.  I try to give more.  But I have nothing much to give to T or even to myself. 

We would spend our evenings sitting on opposite ends of the couch, both of us on our computers.  I would be working well until 10 p.m. on a story or two, while T would search the Internet just wasting time until I was done with the computer or ready for bed.  If we did not have the computers out we would be watching TV.  No conversation.  No interaction.  Any interaction we did have would be once the kiddo was in bed and we were eating dinner at 7:30 p.m. 

When we first met, I gave of myself so readily and easily.  True, I had more time because I was not a mom at that point in time.  We were not married and lived in our own separate spaces so we had our own “me” time.  So when we did have our “us” time we could not get enough of each other.  Sitting up and talking until midnight was so easy.  Now T’s lucky if I even stay awake past 9:30 p.m.  By the time we get to the end of the day and sit down, I usually pass out unless I’m sitting behind the computer.

How does that make the other feel?  I never really thought about it.  I always just thought T was being unfair or irrational when he would get irritated that I essentially ignored him all evening.  I thought he was not being supportive, was being too hard on me, not fair.  While, yes, I am sure some of the times he was in the wrong, but I can see the frustration and where it came from.  We don’t interact.  We don’t know how to talk to each other, and when we do, it’s business – work, bills, house, and Aubrey. 

It is a realization I have hit, and I am working like hell to change it and make it better.  Relationships do not just maintain on their own.  You have to nurture them, make them grow.  That cannot happen if we are both so distracted to even see what is going on in the other person’s world. 

Am I finding it harder to find time to get articles out?  Yes.  Have I fallen behind on my emails?  Yes.  But am I spending more time with the one person who means more to me than anything in this world?  Yes.  And that, to me, is so much more worth it.