Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Living of fear

I have this thing.  I am scared of pissing anyone off.  In fact, I would venture to argue that it is more than just a thing.  It’s an all-out paralyzing fear.  I hate confrontation.  I hate yelling.  I mean, I know everyone is like this unless you are one of this sick and twisted people who like yelling at others.  If that’s the case then kudos to you? 

I think what you would call it is I am a people pleaser.  And a worrier.  That has become a problem.  The problem arises when I have people at all aspects of my life at different angles with different needs, and there I am in the middle trying to please them all. 

I write this as I know I may or may not have a confrontation tomorrow coming up, even though it is all highly possible that it will not be as bad as I think it will.  It could be worse, who knows?  Anyway, that fear is kind of propelling me to write about fear in general and where that lines up to what’s going on in my life right now. 

I have always been a people pleaser.  I walk on eggshells because I have been trained to do so.  As a child, a teenager, an adult, I have been through a series of relationships whether those be familial, friend, significant other, boss, etc., where I am absolutely petrified of letting that person down, losing that person or causing them to be upset or disappointed in me.  It is inherently unhealthy.  You do not go through a series of counselors with each one telling me the same exact thing and not come to that conclusion.  However, it is a problem when you do not listen to the advice.  And it just keeps going and going like that damn Energizer bunny.

Where does this play in?  It comes in with my relationship with T and my family.  That, which is to be a subject of a later post, is causing a great deal of the tension, and like Pavlov’s dog, I am conditioned to react in a certain manner, my loyalties going to my family.  But that cannot always be the case.  In most circumstances my loyalties should probably lie elsewhere.  And that is causing a huge issue, if not one that is threatening to break us. 

It is frustrating.  So I am venting.  This problem is one of the many T and I are tackling, because like tonight, it seems to rear its ugly head all the freaking time.  Says the girl who is sitting here freaking out about what lies ahead tomorrow. 

It’s amazing what fear can do to you, isn’t it?  Too bad I am not one of those people who can just say “oh well” or “to hell with it.” 

Ah, to hell with it.

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