"I'm not who I was"

The other day, I was thinking about high school. I try not to think about high school...not for any particular reason. I just don't want to be like that guy in Bruce Springstein's "Glory Days" living in the past. It's funny because I'm friends with a lot of people from my graduating class in high school on Facebook, and that's totally some of them. They still hang out in the same cliques. It's like time froze and they never moved on. Their prerogative I guess, but it still is funny. I'm not sure why I'm "Facebook friends" with these people. Maybe just to see what's going on in their lives. But honestly? I could care less about it. I didn't go to my 10 year high school reunion mostly for this reason. The people with whom I wanted to associate I still remained in contact with them. I had no desire to be fake and try to act like I was best buddies with people who didn't give me the time of day when I was a teenager. And it was $75 to attend. Why would I pay a substantial amount of money to hang out with people I don't really like?

 

But in my thinking of high school (because, like normal, I'm getting far off track here...), I had to laugh because I'm nowhere near the person I was back then. Honestly, I'm nowhere near the person I was in college either. I know that awhile back I wrote a post about how my younger self would have been shocked at my chosen profession, but it's more than that. I'm still not a person who has the highest self esteem in the world, but back then I really didn't have much. In fact, it was basically nonexistent. I was soft spoken. I didn't stand up for myself. I let people walk all over me, and I allowed myself to be treated poorly by people I considered to be "friends." Seriously, I had my fair share of drama in high school, and I walked away with just a handful of true "friends." I also apologized when it wasn't my fault. I blamed myself when it was someone else to blame. When someone wronged me or hurt me, I took the fall, I said I was sorry, I went to extremes so as to not lose that person. I'm not proud of how weak I was. But when I look back at who I was...I think "my God, how could I have been so weak?" I think of specific situations and how I compromised what I wanted or where I should have said "to hell with you" to someone, but I basically bended over backwards to keep that person in my life or to stop a conflict.

 

God, I really am rambling! Anyway, the point of this post...because, I swear, there is a point...is that I'm not who I was. I'm not that shy, unaware girl, who let others treat her so poorly, who based her happiness on other's happiness, who molded herself into what others wanted her to be. Honestly, I'm not that girl who naively believed the good in everyone. Life has taught me that some people...well...some people just don't have good in them. I've learned to stand up for myself, for what I believe in and for what I want. Not what someone else wants me to have, do or want. I'm more independent, self-reliant. Some of these changes are for the good...some maybe not for the good. I do have my days where I wish I could go back to that naive point of view. I wish I could believe everyone had good in them. But for the most part, the changes that have occurred inside me are for the good.  I feel stronger, more sure of myself, able to stand on my own two feet and not rely solely on someone else's happiness for my own. 

 

 

 

A lot of things pushed me in that direction, but truly it was T who helped me.  I was on my way to finding who I was, but when I met him, he gave me that extra push in forgiving myself and letting all of the weight of the past go.  Now all of that seems like a distant memory.  Not all bad, not all good, but it isn't who I am now.  I've forgiven all of those people who hurt me, and actually, none of that bothers me so much any more.  In the end, it doesn't matter, does it?  I look forward, not behind me.  I'm pretty happy with where I am and the person I've become.  I still push myself to grow every day and change for the better, which is always a good thing, right?

 

 

 

I'm not sure what brought on this rambling post here.  It's just been something on my mind.  And yesterday, I heard this song on Pandora as I was working, and it made me think.  I really like this song, and you know when you hear those songs on the radio with which you can completely identify?  This is definitely one of them. 

 

 

I'll be back tomorrow with a spin cycle!  Have a great Thursday, everyone!

                     

The tough guy

This week started off a little stressful, I will admit.  I'm struggling.  This week more than ever I'm facing the tough fact - being the boss?  Well, it can kind of suck at times. 

 

 

I have Michael Scott syndrome.  I go back and forth between wanting to be that tough boss to wanting to be everyone's friend.  I'm a people pleaser, and when I think someone doesn't like me or isn't happy about something I've had to do, I freak out.  I start to worry.  I make myself sick with worry.  I start questioning my judgment.  I do pretty much everything in my power to make myself feel awful about having to do something that I have to do as a boss. 

 

 

I hate it.  Not being the boss, but being the boss when things aren't all rosy and happy. 

 

 

Why can't things be all peachy all the time and everyone like me? 

 

 

Because they can't.  So I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it.  But I'm totally not good at that with thinking "it doesn't matter what people think of me.  I have to be the boss."  Or should I just worry constantly? 

 

 

Hmm...I wonder which one of these things will be worse for me? 

 

 

The funny thing...well not so funny, is that Nain is feeling the health effects of stress.  It's not pretty, and I'm pretty ticked about it but I guess I have no one to blame but myself.  Not only is my blood pressure high, and not only do I have chronic heart burn...but now I have TMJ.  From stress.  TMJ?  Seriously?  So maybe, just maybe I should let this go. 

 

 

If only it were that easy. 

 

 

So I'm open to suggestions....anyone?

   

I can do this!

Another Monday come and gone....well, no, another Monday started :-)  Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part that it would be over.  Anyway, so last week I started a medical weight loss program.  It's my hopes I can lose some weight and benefit my heart and blood pressure minus the medication.  Well, no, I'll be on some medication, but I think two pills for my heart is enough at 31 years old, you know?  So I went to see the doctor and then the dietician.  It was all a lot of information, so I'm still trying to process everything, but...


I am supposed to keep a daily log of what I eat.  I absolutely hate doing that, or I have in the past but if this is what I need to do....then so be it, right?  I have to record what I eat and mark down what category of food it is in.  I have a certain number of starches, meats, veggies, milk, fruit, fat that eat every day.  And I need to make sure when I do mark something down that it's within the proper portion size.  So...for the past week, I have been starving. But I am trying my best to record what I eat and to really be aware of what all I do eat.  It's tough, and it involves a lot of measuring out of things and to stop myself when I'm done and not getting more.  Oh and the whole stress eating of chocolate when I'm stressed out...which, let's be honest, is a lot. 


Oh and drinking more water.  I clearly have not done a bunch of that in the past, so I have to make a concerted effort  to do that, too.  And isn't the water supposed to make you feel fuller? 


But, it does suck being constantly hungry.  My hope is maybe my body will be conditioned to eating actual portion sizes.  I mean, that has to happen, right? 


So that's my motivation for the week....to stay motivated and on the right path! 


What's yours?  I'd love to hear them.  If you want to share, include a link to this post on your blog and then copy and paste your link in the comments.  Have a good Monday, everyone!
     

Talking 'bout my education

This week's Spin Cycle with Gretchen at Second Blooming is on education.  Here in the Nain/T household education is pretty important.  Both T and I were lucky enough to be born into families where we were able to access education, encouraged to read and to learn and continue onto higher education.  I realize not every child is so blessed, and I feel so fortunate for what opportunities I was given.  I hope to do the same for Aubrey as she grows up. 


Education has always been big in my life.  My Mom is a teacher, and my brother went on to be a 2nd grade teacher and my sister a Calculus teacher.  Both of my parents expected me to succeed in school and get good grades.  I pushed myself, probably too hard to the point of perfection, but I always got on the A honor roll, took all honors classes, always did my homework and then some.  (I was what some would call a nerd, I suppose.)  And I always knew I wanted to go to college.


It was funny because when I graduated from law school I realized that I had spent about three-fourths of my life in school.  Never in a million years would I have thought I would end up going to law school.  I remember thinking about being a lawyer and a doctor and about how long it took to get those degrees.  But when I decided to go onto law school my sophomore year in college, I didn't think twice about those extra three years. 


It is my and T's full intention to provide Aubrey with all of the opportunities we can so that she can receive the best education possible.  When we chose where to build our house, we chose a good school district for when we had children.  And we're starting early in instilling with her the love of reading.  Sure, she's six months old and probably doesn't know differently when we read a book to her.  It's a tradition every night, and it's one we'll continue as she grows up.  When I was a kid, we took weekly trips to the library.  I did the summer reading program.  I loved receiving the Scholastic Book Order forms...so much, in fact, that when they gave us them from Aubrey's daycare, I was the one stoked about it.  Anyway, I want her to always have that thirst to learn and follow her dreams. 


While I know college is not a necessity and there are plenty of people out there who are extremely intelligent and successful who have not gone to college, I really do want that for Aubrey.  I joke about her going to IU, and I'd love her to attend IU but I honestly don't care where she goes.  And if she wants to go farther than that, I encourage her to do so. 


I hope that T and I can provide her the motivation she needs to build her up.  Between T and myself we have four degrees - my Bachelor in Arts in Journalism and Juris Doctorate and T's Bachelor's in Science in Engineering and Masters in Engineering.  I don't want to push her towards a certain path but I want to encourage her to go in whatever direction she wants.  She can do anything she wants.  And education provides her the tools to get there. 


So as you can see, education is extremely important to me.  Want to see what others have to say on the topic?  Stop by Gretchen's blog and check out the other education Spins!

     

Hump day ramblings

I am running short on things to blog about today.  I know I need to write my Spin Cycle post for the week, and I will...and I have something that I was tagged in which I should write, but...I am not motivated to do that either.  Blah.  So today you get a rambling Nain post.  It's fun to get those every once in awhile, right?  If not, just humor me. 

 

 

Spending four days with T and Aubrey was really nice this last weekend.  So nice, in fact, that I really really didn't want to come back to reality on Tuesday.  All day Monday I had that feeling I used to get when I was a kid.   You know, that feeling of "I don't want to go back to school tomorrow..."  I would have loved to just spend a few more days off with T and Aubrey.  I didn't even do any work-work over the weekend.  I had worked so many hours last week that I was able to completely take off Friday and not even use vacation time.  It was just nice.  But...all good things must come to an end eventually. 

 

 

Speaking of...is it just me, or does the week seem to crawl by when you're working a short week? 

 

 

Today is my doctor's day.  I have several different appointments I need to go to, so I'm staying at home.  It didn't make sense to do a few appointments in the a.m., only to leave early for my evening one.  One of these appointments involves the dentist checking out my fillings I got a few weeks ago.  Nain's mouth still hurts.  So this appointment has the potential to really suck.   But hopefully it's just a quick fix. 

 

 

Speaking of teeth, this past weekend, Miss Aubrey was a bit of a fuss-butt because she is teething.  She is getting her first tooth on the front bottom, and then yesterday morning, I noticed a second one is quickly popping out.  I imagine it hurts.  But it's caused her to wake up in the middle of the night crying, which means less sleep for Mom and Dad.  I look forward to when the little teeth finally pop through.

 

 

Can I just say how stoked I am about this season's Dancing with the Stars: All Stars?  I love the show, and all of the best dancers?  Totally looking forward to September 24th.  Poor T will lose control of the TV now on Monday and Tuesday nights. 

 

 

So I'm thinking about starting the Christmas shopping early for Aubrey.  I am so freaking excited to be Santa this year.  In fact, I'm stoked about her first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas...the whole thing.  First snow, too, because we had a warm winter and never got snow after she was born.  Just excited about all of it. 

 

 

And college football started this last weekend!  Whoo!  We watched the Alabama-Michigan game because I'm from Alabama originally, and T is from Michigan.  And I, of course, had to rub it in T's face that Bama massacred Michigan.  Sorry!  Roll Tide, baby!

 

 

Ok, I think this enough rambling for one day.  I'm pretty sure I could go on.  I hope everyone is having a wonderful Hump Day!

   

Photo session

A couple of weekends ago, we got Aubrey's 6 month pictures taken at Target.  I wasn't too worry about how she'd handle getting her pictures taken because she gets along with everyone.  But, boy, she was a ham.  Here she is just playing around in the tub.  I love the look on her face of "What?  Me?"

 

 

It seriously was hard to just pick one.....

 

Oddly enough, this is how she is most of the time...surrounded by her stuffed animals and stretching out her legs...

And those eyes...I LOVE those eyes!  What I wouldn't give for those eyelashes...

Last...this one is just too precious.  Like I said, it was hard to pick just one. 

   

It's funny to look at her newborn pictures and look at her now.  She has changed so much and is changing every day.  Next  thing you know, she'll be one year...yikes, let's not think that far ahead....

   

Motivation Monday: I did it!

So on Saturday morning, I decided "Hey, let's get up at 5 a.m. and walk 13.1 miles!"  Because, you know, that seems like something perfectly normal and sane people do, right?  Right?



But no, I had trained, and t his was a goal of mine since Aubrey was born, and dammit, I was going to do it.

 

 

It was the Indianapolis Women's Mini Marathon, and it was set to start downtown on Saturday.  I'm no going to lie...I was nervous.  I mean, sure, I did a mini marathon walking before but that was before Aubrey.  Having a child has kind of kicked my butt.  But I thought I was ready.  And then there was the weather.  We were set to get the remnants of Hurricane Issac, and I was petrified it would pour the whole morning.  Luckily it didn't, but I was obsessively refreshing the weather.com browser checking on the chances of rain until T made me close the computer screen down.  


So we got up at 5 a.m. on Saturday, and I was set to go.  Nervous, but set to go.

Why, yes, it was dark out when the race started.  I met up with a friend of mine to walk the race.  We walked together most of it, for about 10 miles, but she was having a hard time pushing it, and I really wanted to kick it into high gear the last three miles.  So, with her blessing, I took off.  I must have hauled ass, too, because I finished about 20 minutes in front of her.  And I kind of paid for it with how I felt in the end.

It was humid.  Lord, it was humid.  And I ran the last 0.1 of the 13.1.  They gave us a rose, medals, and there were mimosas and beers at the end.  I love this picture because Aubrey is looking at me like "ew, you smell, Mom!"  T did have her up and cheering for me as I ran by, and she actually clapped her hands when she saw me.  I loved it.

I finished 3:27, with a 15:51 pace.  I think I could have done faster if I had walked on my own, but I'm not sure I would have survived.  Apparently I didn't drink enough because I started cramping in a bad, bad way when we were walking towards the after party area.  And apparently I was really out of it.  So T spent the rest of the day forcing water on me.  Nain was a bit dehydrated. 


This is what happens after you spend the morning walking 13.1 miles....

 

Now, don't call me crazy here...but I'm tempted to do another half marathon late October. Like I said, do NOT call me crazy.  For now I'm just happy I finished.  Whoo!

 

 

So this really isn't "motivation" per se, but I had to talk about it.   Hope everyone has a great Monday!  I'll be hobbling along all day today, I'm sure...