Inadequate

Lately, I've been beating myself up over my capabilities as a mom.  I know that each baby is different, and I know that I can only do the best I can...but yet, I still feel like a failure occasionally.  I compare myself to other moms in the blogosphere, as well as on Facebook, and I think "Man, am I doing enough?" 

 

 

For instance, crawling.  Our doctor has sworn up and down to us that crawling isn't necessarily a milestone and that some babies go straight from scooting to walking.  And Aubrey does get around...she seems to scoot herself from place to place.  But crawling?  No way.  The daycare teachers have talked to us about it, and they want us to work on this with her at home when we can.  Force her to support herself on her hands and knees, despite how much she fusses and fights us.  But the thing is, we get home from work after a 45 minute commute just in time for dinner and then bed time.  There's hardly enough time to fit that in, too.   The daycare teacher told T when I was out of town that Aubrey seems to get frustrated that she 1) can't pull herself up like the other babies and 2) can't follow the other babies her age when they crawl around.  She wants to crawl.  I can tell by how she moves around, but she can't.  And I see her get frustrated, and it just breaks my heart.  Monday, for example, I sat her down on the floor next to one of the other babies in daycare when we dropped her off, a baby who is a whole month younger than Aubrey.  And off that little baby goes crawling.  I just wanted to cry. 

 

 

Aubrey is a smart cookie, though.  She constantly amazes me at how she figures things out, but with this physical stuff, she just struggles.  And even at nine months, I hate watching her just get so frustrated with herself.  Did I not do enough tummy time?  Maybe I shouldn't work as much as I do and be home with her more often.  

 

 

I see other moms on Facebook posting these adorable holiday pictures with their babies in their beautiful dresses.  Should I be doing this, too?  I have her dress, but should I be posing her in front of the tree all cute and putting these pictures up on Facebook?  Shouldn't I be taking her to Target to get Christmas portraits?

 

 

And the moms out there who post pictures of all the fun stuff they do with their kiddos on the weekends.  I don't take Aubrey to museums or the zoo.  We take her when we run errands, and it seems like we're constantly doing something but it's not really child-friendly stuff.  It's stuff we have to get done.  Suck. 

 

 

And I feel so bad about leaving her for those three days when I was in Washington, D.C.  She now has major separation anxiety and won't let me out of her sight.  If I'm not there when T picks her up from daycare or if I'm not at the house when she comes home, she gets sad, looking around for Mommy.  With obligations I have, I can't always be at her side 24-7, but I feel like she's worried I'll abandon her again.  I didn't mean to in the first place.  I would have much rather have been home with her during that time. 

 

 

So today, as I write this (on Monday, of course), I feel like a failure.  I know all moms have these moments, but I'm definitely have a moment of inadequacy.  I just feel like I should be doing more or that I'm letting her down. 

 

 

 

     

Motivation Monday: Success!

Happy Motivation Monday all of you out there!  I hate Mondays, but at least this is one that is on the final countdown to a holiday and a break from the monotony of work.  And it's a good Motivation Monday because.....


I have reached my goal weight!!!!


Whoo!  Happy dance!


Seriously, it feels pretty freaking awesome.  I'm not going to say exactly what that goal weight is, but let's just say it's close to what I weighed my junior and senior years of college.  So I'm pretty happy because I haven't been this size in awhile.  According to the doctor I've been working with, I've lost a total of 25 pounds of fat.  The water weight fluctuates daily of course, as it does with anyone.  She wants me to go down 5 more pounds just so I have a cushion so I am still working towards that. 


The thing I'm focusing on now is body composition.  I need to build more muscle mass in relation to fat in my body.  With my heart condition, I can't really do any heavy lifting so resistance training is something I'll need to add to my routine.  That and the dietitian has recommended I increase the amount of protein I consume during the day.  Right now I'm eating one in the morning, usually after my workout, and the one that was recommended to me is pretty tasty - Pure Protein:  Revolution.  The thing looks and tastes like a Snickers bar, seriously.  And it does fill you up.  So I'll have that immediately after my workout and then have my smoothie on the way to work.  I did worry that having a protein bar would add too many calories and cause me to gain weight, but I've been assured (and read the label showing the calories are low) that it won't.  So let's see how this works. 


On another note - I need to go shopping!  Hoping I get gift cards for Christmas because my pants are hanging off of me, and I don't consider that to be a bad thing...but, I do need to dress for work.  So I guess I better hit the stores, then! 


Excited but very motivated to keep up the progress and maintain the weight as it is.  What's your motivation for this week?

All I want for Christmas

   

This week's Spin Cycle, brought to you by Gretchen at Second Blooming is a letter to Santa on what you want for Christmas.  I've been so focused on what I want to get Aubrey as Santa for Christmas that honestly, I couldn't even start to think about anything I'd really want, but I did, and here's a list of what Nain would love to have for Christmas:

 

 

1.  A personal assistant - I cannot keep track of things or keep myself organized for the life of me.  I need someone whose job is to do that 24-7.  Not a nanny or anything like that...just someone to help out with daily stuff that just seems to overwhelm me. 

 

2.  In the event I cannot have a personal assistant, I would LOVE to have maid service.  I've already requested this to T for my birthday/Mother's Day gift.  Just one month of not having to clean the house.  That's all I ask. 

 

 

3.  New clothes - in fact money for a new wardrobe because many of my clothes just don't fit me anymore.  Plus, what woman wouldn't want new clothes? 

 

 

4.  A lobster tail or cannoli from Cake Boss.  They deliver but not everything just yet.  Ever since the show came on, I have wanted nothing more than to try one of their lobster tails.  My God, just thinking about it makes me want to break my diet.  And I would, just for that one day. 

 

 

5.  GPS watch - now that I'm running, I'd love to have a watch like T's that monitors how far you've gone, your pace, calories burned, etc, and then it maps your run out for you on Google Maps so you can see just exactly what your run looked like.  We talked about buying one for me for Christmas, but not so sure it's in the budget for now...

 

 

6.  Aubrey's two front teeth.  I swear to God, the kid has been teething on her top for what seems like an eternity now. 

 

 

7.  Time to relax, read a good book, and maybe write - when I was on my way to D.C. and on my way back, I finished an entire book.  Shocking for me.  I can't recall the last time I actually finished something I started reading.  And I enjoyed the hell out of it.  I'd love to be able to do that more often, so if I could have just a wee bit more time in my day, that would be super.

 

 

8.  Plane tickets for T and I to go back to Dublin.  ASAP please!

 

 

Okay, so there you have it.  Think any of those are possible?  Pretty please? :-) 

 

 

Check out what other Spinners have to say about what they want for Christmas!  And have a fantastic weekend, everyone!

   

Change in perspective

Back in my pre-baby days, certain things would irritate the crap out of me to no end.  Families with crying babies in restaurants, fussy little kids on airplanes or kids who would fuss during church.  I have a pretty short patience threshold, so this shouldn't surprise any of you.  But as a mom of a 9 month old, things change.  Instead of irritation...it becomes a sense of understanding and...well....pity.  Because I've been there. 

 

 

I see that mom in line at Target, her two year old child crying for pretty much no reason at all, out of exhaustion or because she didn't get the toy she irrationally wanted, I don't see a screaming child.  I see a mom at her wit's end.  I see a mom trying to do everything in her power to distract the child and apologizing to those around her.  At the airport last week, I saw the looks people gave parents of younger children who joined us at the gate, waiting for the flight.  It was like they automatically assumed that those kids wouldn't behave on the flight.  I'm sure the parents saw the looks, too.  And I know someday T and I'll be dealing with the same thing. 

 

 

It's the looks we get from people at church when we try to actually sit in the sanctuary with Aubrey, but we end up taking turns taking Aubrey out into the narthex where she can fuss.  She's a baby,   people, she cries.  Get over it. 

 

 

It's funny because those things don't irritate me the way they do.  It's like a sense of camaraderie.  Rather than give the parents an annoying stare or roll my eyes, I give them a look of "dude, I feel ya" or try to make the little one smile with a silly grin.  It's just funny how things change, isn't it? 

 

 

I mean, don't get me wrong.  If the child is old enough and is clearly a little shit, I can see right through that.  And believe you me, I can spot a little shit from a mile away. I have very little tolerance for that. 

 

 

But that's beside the point - for those parents out there whose kid goes from happy to exorcist in 60 seconds?  I feel ya, brother, I feel ya. 

 

 

Next thing you know I'll be empathizing with my parents....shh...don't tell them...

   

Country mouse

Remember that Aesop fable "City Mouse Country Mouse?"  After the city mouse went to visit his cousin the country mouse and scoffed at his simple lifestyle, the country mouse came to the big city to see the city mouse only to feel very out of place, missing the safety and peace of his country home?  Well, while in D.C., I could not have felt any more like the country mouse. 

 

 

I love the idea of the big city.  I love all of the buildings, the beautiful architecture and history of D.C.  It's "cool" to say "Yeah, I'm going to D.C. for work."  But I felt like a fish out of water while in D.C.  Here are just a few examples:

 

 

I had no idea how to navigate the city.  I got the grand idea in my head that I would go for a run outside the first day there.  So the night before, I tried to map my route, only to give up when I couldn't figure the damn streets out.  Fortunately I made that decision not to go because apparently my hotel was not in the best areas.  God knows what would have happened had I decided to do this. 

 

 

When my cousin came to get me for dinner, he walked the streets of D.C. like he owned them.  Walking fast and crossing streets with such confidence, and I felt like a little puppy just following behind him.  We rode the Metro, and I had to buy a ticket to get on and off the train.  Somehow along the way, my ticket demagnetized and I wasn't allowed out.  My cousin argued with the guy until he gave in, but I just stood there thinking "why the hell would I need a ticket to get out?"  What if he didn't let me out?

 

 

And taxis in D.C. don't all take credit cards.  The reason I found this out?  After dinner, my cousin hailed me a cab, and I got in.  About half way there, I asked the driver if he took credit card, to which he told me no.  Scared shitless, I looked at the neighborhood around me wondering if he was going to just drop me off, leaving me to get mugged and shot, left for dead.  The liar did actually have a credit card machine but got charged for using it.  I was a little pissed off about that. 

 

 

The first day of our conference, we were told that the building would be having fire drills during the day and to just ignore them.  Annoying, yes, but whatever.  So at lunch, I'm sitting there in the lobby enjoying some peace and quiet and the alarms go off.  Everyone ignores them until staff rushes over and says to evacuate.  A bomb threat had been called in.  And we were ushered outside and left there for two freaking hours.  I didn't have a coat, so I tried to hole up in the lobby of a random building but was pushed out by security.  So I walked around a CVS, walked around outside, sat in the cold, just watching police and bomb sniffing dogs surround our building.  And I seemed to be the only one genuinely bothered.  Apparently bomb threats are a daily occurrence.  (A side question - who the hell calls in a bomb threat to a Hilton Garden Inn?  It's not like it was some government building.)

 

 

On my way to the airport at 6:30 a.m. on Saturday morning, again I was in a taxi (the only one near my building at that time of day), and I discovered that yet another taxi didn't accept credit card.  So this guy drove me from block to block trying to find an ATM.  We found one that worked after three freaking efforts.  I withdrew money and paid him upon delivery at the airport.  But seriously, credit card?  Come on, people. 

 

 

I couldn't have been happier to come home.  Yes, Indiana isn't exactly the big time, but it's home to me.  And I was ready for my safe and peaceful home after my venture in the "big city." 

   

Fun in the city

Normally when I travel for business, it's pretty lonely.  I go to my work conference and then either eat somewhere by myself or order room service.  But this most recent trip, I was lucky in that I actually knew people in the city where I was.  Both my cousin and one of my good friends from law school live in the D.C. area so when I knew I was heading to D.C. for work, I had to make plans to see them both. 

 

 

My cousin cracks me up in that he is such a city person.  He comes strolling into my hotel to pick me up all dressed in his suit, brief case and all and is a complete natural in the city.  Here I was just following him around, looking like a deer in head lights as we navigated the Metro.  We didn't have a ton of time for any tourist type activities, but we did have to make a stop to see this: 

 

It was so cool to see it at night, and it's as beautiful as I remember it from high school.  It was also cool because they were setting up for the inauguration so the pavilion was partially constructed.  After stopping at the White House we went to dinner at a place across the street called Ebbitts Grill (I believe this was the name, but honestly, I could be wrong).  Crazy busy place with really good food and totally a city atmosphere.  And the place had Secret Service everywhere, so I'm not sure who was there.  I was hoping it was Biden, but my cousin assured me if it was Biden, there would be a lot more Secret Service there.  Damn.


The next day I met up with a good law school friend of mine and headed to Chinatown.  I've never been to New York City so I don't have a good comparison, but I thought it was pretty cool. 

 

 

We ate at a really cool tapas restaurant and consumed a pitcher of Sangria while catching up.  I hadn't seen her in over four years so there was a lot to talk about, and it was just really nice to see her again.  Plus, I have to admit, I enjoyed this work trip a great deal more having people I knew to hang out with while there.  A lot less lonely. 

 

 

 

 

Of course, I was so ready to head home by the time Friday night hit.  I missed T and Aubrey so much, and I couldn't wait to see them on Saturday at the airport.  I'll have more about my trip in later posts about some of the "oh shit, I have no idea what I am doing" things, too.  I had a lot of those, trust me!

   

Motivation Monday!

Good morning, and happy Motivation Monday!  I'm back from the thriving metropolis that is known as Washington, D.C., and I couldn't be happier to be home.  As much as it is exciting to travel for work, I hate having to leave T and Aubrey and miss them like crazy when I'm gone. 


Anyway, so I tried my best to eat as healthy as possible while on the road, and I succeeded for the most part.  My hotel was right next door to a fresh market, so when I got in on Wednesday, I picked up a salad and chili for dinner and bought supplies for breakfast for the next two days.  And I followed my dietitian's advice and had protein bars and carrots for lunch since lunches were on your own, and I didn't feel like juggling the whole eating healthy while eating out thing.  But dinners were the tricky part.  Both Thursday and Friday I went out to eat - the first night with my cousin who lives in D.C., at a restaurant right across from the White House that is famous for its crab cakes.  Of course I had to try them, though I'm sure crab cakes aren't exactly the healthiest food.  They were delicious, however.  The next night I met up with a friend from law school and ate at a Spanish tapas place in Chinatown.  And proceeded to consume a picture of sangria with her.  Oh well :-)


It isn't to say I didn't try.  I did utilize the hotel gym and ran on Thursday morning and did the elliptical on Friday.  So I did do that.  (Go me!)  However, I'm scared to weigh myself after this trip.  Last week I was just three pounds away from my goal weight, and I definitely don't want to deter myself from that. 


Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself.  I mean two meals aren't going to take away months of progress and a huge lifestyle change, right?  Regardless, though, I'm getting back to eating healthy this week and will work hard to exercise as much as I can.  We are getting a recumbent bike on Tuesday so I'll be able to mix it up with my workouts. 


So that's my motivation for the week - what's yours?