Nain vs. Nerves

It's no secret that I am, by nature, a very anxious person.  And we're not just talking a small worrier or someone who says "hey, man, that kind of concerns me a bit."  No, I'm an anxious person.  A very anxious person.  I worry like it's an Olympic sport.  You don't get tested for an ulcer at the wee young age of 10 years old, if you weren't born a naturally anxious person.  I also have high blood pressure.  That combination does NOT make it easy for me to keep calm in situations that are by their own nature anxiety producing.  (I.E. pregnancy) And, to make matters worse, with my congenital heart defect, I'm a high risk pregnancy.  So let's just crank that anxiety up just a bit more, right?  At the same time all I hear is "relax, you have to relax...that's how you keep your blood pressure down.  Just try not to worry so much."  That's like telling a smoker "just try not to think about smoking, it'll be okay," while you stand there right in front of their face puffing smoke repeatedly in their direction.  Perhaps not the best analogy, but...you get my point. 


I really am trying my best to keep my nerves at bay.  I really am.  I know that I'm doing all of this for her, and that for her health, I have to stay calm.  That keeps me motivated most of the time.   But I have to admit, as I get farther and farther along, that's getting harder and harder. 


I've known that my blood pressure will go up towards the end of my pregnancy.  I have also been told that the strain of pregnancy can put me at higher risk (though still a small percentage) of having my aorta rupture.  Hearing those words?  Not comforting, but...oh well.  I've seen the numbers creep up just a bit.  I feel my heart race from time to time from out of nowhere.  I'm aware that as I get farther along, the risk that Half-pint will make her appearance early is more possible.  And I'm not going to lie, folks...I'm scared. 


There, I said it.  I'm scared. 


I'm scared about the c-section.  I'm scared about how my heart will handle it.  I'm scared about little Half-pint.  I'm scared of the unknown and the things that could go wrong.  I'm scared that as these next few weeks go by, my body will be put under more and more strain and that it won't handle it as well as it should.  I'm just scared. 


Last night I tried to work on techniques of talking myself out of the worry and focusing on what matters.  My daughter.  My new family.  And while I do have those things in the forefront of my mind, I just want to know that it will all be okay.  I want that 100% satisfaction guarantee.  It's just  too bad that life doesn't always work out that way. 


Tonight, T and I will be venturing up to the north side to take a class on c-sections. The doctor recommended this so that I could be aware of what to expect in terms of prep, the surgery and recovery.  And dude, I am totally freaked out by this.  I know this is for the best and will make me avoid the Internet research I tried earlier in the pregnancy.  But I'm scared.  And I have no doubt I will be gripping T's hand during the whole thing. 


Someone the other day said to just give it to God.  I struggle with this concept so much because, honestly, to me it doesn't ever seem that easy.  I can say I will give it to Him, but will that make me stop worrying?  How exactly does one go about that? 


So here I am...venting to all of you and rambling on and on, trying to find a point to stop this blog post.  So I'll just stop it with this.  I'm scared.  That is all. 


Until tomorrow...I will be back with a much more upbeat post, I promise! 

Half-pint's nursery

 This past weekend, T and I worked hard on completing Half-pint's nursery.  Until last weekend, I had all of the baby shower presents in a pile on our guest bedroom bed.  However, T's parents will be down soon, and I'm pretty sure they need a bed to sleep on, so I decided to sort through everything, including washing all of the clothes, blankets, etc. we received.  Dude, that was a ton of laundry.  So while I was doing that, T put together her dresser.  I know last week I complained about my woes with Kohls, but Target is now on my list, too.  I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say, we ordered this dresser over a month ago and only just received it.  And the top part was cracked so we had to order a replacement.  But, that's neither here nor there...instead, I will focus on the positive things.  Like look how cute everything is!

 

 

Her book shelf, complete with the cutest monkey lamp ever (T's Aunt and cousin bought all of the monkey stuff off our registry.  So cute!)

  

Side view of the room....

Other side of the room....my Mom bought us the rocker for a shower present.  We're still waiting on the mattress for the crib.  Once we get that, we'll finish the bedding, and it'll look even cuter.  And the dresser is coming in a few days.  Luckily, we could still put the whole thing together so the clothes could be put away.

My cousin Emily made this quilt for us as a shower present, and gotta love the monkey nightlight, too.  (If you can't tell.....monkeys are a theme here :-)

Lastly, the changing table - we're waiting on the changing table pad, and of course, the dresser top so the stuff on top of the changing table won't stay, but, I still think it's cute! 

and I'm in love with these monkey decals.  They go on by static cling, and they are just too cute! 

So that's Half-pint's room....just a few more touches, and it will be done!  So....what do you think???

Making traditions of our own

I've heard and read in multiple places that the holidays can often be the toughest tests of relationships.  I wasn't completely convinced that was the case  until I was married.  And boy, is that an understatement.  So much stress comes along with what is supposed to be a happy and relaxing time.  Money stress, making sure you buy presents for everyone, getting the cards out on time, preparing food for holiday get-togethers, and lastly, planning out when we see family.  Both families. 


I have to admit, when we first were engaged, I had a hard time with this.  Heck, I still have a hard time with this.  Part of me wants to be selfish and say "but I wanna see MY family!"  (Picture me stomping my foot on the ground and throwing Oscar-worthy tantrum.)  But...that's not what marriage is about.  Marriage is about compromise.  My family lives an hour away from where we live.  We see them quite often.  T's family, on the other hand, lives over five hours north of us, and we see them only a handful of times during the year.  Quite the difference.  So we've worked on a compromise - rotating the years of when we spend Thanksgiving with T's parents and my parent's, spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my family (for now) and then the week after Christmas with T's family.  This year, his family has to travel to us, since I've been given strict "no traveling" instructions from both specialists, so it's worked out quite well. 


The arrangement seemed good enough.  But that arrangement only involved just the two of us.  It didn't take into consideration the fact that soon we would have a third person to consider, someone who may want to spend Christmas at her own home.  After all, Santa comes to her house, right?


T and I have had this discussion several times about what we would do and how things would change once Half-pint arrives.  Part of me has been somewhat resistant.  That part of me is the people pleasing part.  I am petrified of rocking the boat with my family.  I don't want to cause arguments or disappoint anyone.  So I tend to do that thing that we people pleasers do best and put other's needs ahead of my own.  But this isn't just "other's" needs.  This is my own child's needs.  So we made a decision yesterday.  Starting next year, we will spend Christmas Eve with my family, go to mass, eat dinner and exchange presents, and then we'll head home at the end of the night so that we can tuck Half-pint in and get things ready for Santa's arrival.  And we'll spend Christmas Day together as a family, just the three of us. 


Because that really is what we're becoming.  A family.  Our family.  I know we are already a family and have been one since September 18, 2010, or arguably before that.  But it's time for me to make that step and truly put what our family needs first.  Sure, next Christmas Half-pint will only be around 9 or 10 months old, and she won't really know for certain what is going on or who this Santa guy is.  But next year, it really isn't just for her.  It will be her first Christmas, and it will mean something to T and myself that we celebrate it in her own home, thus starting a tradition we would like to see carried out throughout her childhood. 


Am I nervous that this decision will hurt feelings next year?  Dear Lord, yes.  I don't look forward to this conversation by any means.  But...it's something I want.  And it's something T wants.  And in a way, it feels like a big step in the world of adulthood. 


So I put this out to all of my blogging friends with experience in this area...how did you face these sorts of difficult decisions?  Any words of wisdom?  (Or words of warning?) 



I

Christmas celebration

Every year, T and I make it a point to go out, just the two of us, before Christmas.  Our normal tradition ( like last year) we usually go out, stay out all night and partake in a few beverages. However, being close to 8 months pregnant, not being able to walk without looking like I'm waddling and well...not being able to drink and the fact that having an 8 month pregnant woman in a smoke-filled bar just doesn't seem like fun, we had to make this year's outing a little more PG.  And no staying the night downtown, but we still had a very nice time. 

This year, we decided to make reservations for two at Buca di Bepo (one of my favorites).  For those of my friends who don't live in the States and may not be familiar with the restaurant, it's a family-style restaurant, where you order food platters to share, and you always walk away with a ton of leftovers.  We went there for our rehearsal dinner, too.  The only thing that sucked is I couldn't partake in the Chianti with T, but I settled for a nice Italian soda.  We got chicken parmesan and baked rigatoni, both of which were absolutely delicious.  I think I ate more than I have this entire pregnancy.  And it was well worth it, believe me.  We even order some canolis for dessert.  Delicious.  All of it. 

Afterwards, we decided to head to the circle downtown and check out the tree of lights display they do with the monument.  As you may or may not remember, this is the same spot were T proposed July 4, 2009, so it's a special place for us.  It was closed all summer for renovations so this was our first time back there in over a year.

 

The cell phone photos don't do it justice because I think it's pretty cool.  The place was packed but we took a nice walk around the Circle and got the chance to chat.  With how crazy everything has been with work and family, it was nice to just reconnect and relax for a change.  You know, with all of the holiday family festivities coming up? 

So while, yes, it wasn't as crazy as our normal celebrations, it was a fun and memorable one nonetheless.  And it was probably one of the only times T and I will get to ourselves this Christmas. 

I'll just keep these wonderful memories in mind as I get crazy stressed these next few weeks, right? 

 

One step forward, two steps back

I have been one gigantic slacker this Christmas season.  Sure, not a full-blown slacker in that absolutely nothing is done on my list, but a slacker for me.  The process of getting Christmas cards out to everyone, something that I pride myself on doing the weekend after Thanksgiving, took forever, and I found myself sending them out even this week.  But the worst thing?  Christmas presents.  Not even bought.  Shoot. 


I'm going to go with what I've been using to blame everything else on and say that it's pregnancy brain causing my apathy.  Either that, or I'm becoming a man, and I'm going to wait until Christmas Eve to purchase my presents and wrap them.  But since I'm carrying a 3 lb baby in my uterus currently, I don't think I can claim becoming a man so pregnancy brain it is! 


It isn't to say I haven't tried...somewhat.  Last week, I did finally go to Kohls.com and ordered my parent's presents, as well as my niece Roo's gift.  I was quite proud of myself.  Shipping was free for purchases over $50, and I had a 20% discount.  Go me!  So to meet that minimum, I decided to throw in three things for Baby Girl.  I placed the order and gave myself a pat on the back for finally getting started in my shopping.  Of course, I did note that the delivery date was something like December 22nd, but hey, I could still have time to wrap the presents when they arrived.  I had the 23rd off, after all...


Until yesterday...I get this email from Kohls saying that only part of my order has been shipped...it included my dad's present and the three outfits for Half-pint.  Um, okay, that's great but those three extra outfits were just thrown in there for the heck of it.  Surely the rest would come soon?  Nope.  I get another email just ten minutes later.  My order has been modified, and those two items...cancelled.  Really?  They can just do that? 


So now I'm back to square one.  And I have one weekend left to get this stuff.  And gifts for my employees.  And finish wrapping presents and everything.  Damn you, Kohls, damn you. 


I may have to become one of those people who starts buying presents in October next year.    Because Santa will be visiting our house next year, too, and I totally can't slack for Half-pint. 


I wonder if they'll all be okay taking some Mary Kay instead?  :-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Update!  Kohls, are you reading this blog?  Right after I posted this, I get an email from Kohls with a $20 gift certificate code to be redeemed before December 24th.   BUT, I'm still irritated I have to actually go out and buy the gifts I ordered.  However, the $20 does make it somewhat better...

Be careful...she can hear you!

So it's become more apparent to me each day, that Half-pint is able to hear things on the outside.  I'm sure she can't understand words, even though I like to think that she can, but she hears voices and loud noises.  And it's so cute how she reacts to them.


She is not a big fan of loud noises.  After my baby shower the other day, my dad was helping my sister take decorations down, and being a man, of course, he decided to go the destructive route by popping balloons.  As soon as he popped the first one, I get a pretty strong kick from baby girl.  Second one, another kick.  I finally had to tell Grandpa to cut it out.  She wasn't enjoying the noise.  Last night, T was trying to fix something in our garbage disposal, and he put several cubes of ice down there to grind which made a loud noise, too.  Again with the strong kick.   These boys need to learn to stop disturbing her! 


She's recognizing T's voice, too.  There's no way that she's not. All he has to do is talk near my stomach, saying her name, and she automatically reacts with a kick.  It is one of the sweetest things ever.  The other day, we were relaxing and unwinding from a particular stressful day.  T puts his arm around me saying "you're my best friend and I love you more than anything in the world."  (Sweet, right?  I have a good one!)  And as if she could hear him and felt left out, she responds with two kicks, and pretty strong ones at that.  We both started laughing, and of course, he had to reassure her that he loves her, too, more than anything in the world.  Not sure if she actually heard it or if it was a coincidence, but it was still hilarious. 


She also responds to Mommy and when I'm worried.  I'm sure there's some way in there she can sense my stress, even though I try my best to keep that down so that she doesn't get all agitated.  But there's not always a way around it.  As I get farther along in my pregnancy and closer to the big day, I worry.  I worry about how everything will go.  I worry about my heart and how things will be with that.  I worry about her health and whether she'll inherit a defect similar to my own.  I expressed these feelings to T the other day, telling him how scared I was, and of course, she responds at the right moment with several kicks.  It's as if she was saying "It's okay, Mommy...don't worry."  Maybe she can sense my concerns, maybe she can't.  But it is reassuring when I feel her little kick, and it reminds me that this really is all about her and we couldn't be more blessed. 


 I can hardly believe that we're at 30 weeks this week.  If I go the full term, as the doctor would prefer, before my c-section, that means I only have 9 weeks to go.  That being said, they still monitor my blood pressure, monitor her little heart rate and we never know...she may grace us sooner rather than later.  But regardless, our little miracle will be here before you know.  So I better get used to that saying...be careful, she can hear you! 

Spin Cycle: Who rings your bell?

I thought I would have to wait until the new year, but...nope!  It's a Christmas miracle!  What does that mean?  Sprite's Keeper Spin Cycle time!

This week's cycle is about other bloggers.  Who rings my bell?  What blogger inspires me?  We were given the option to list five of our favorite bloggers, and Jen at Sprite's Keeper would chose one for us.  This isn't to say that I don't love you all.  I don't want to be that person who has her favorites...you know, like a mom who has her favorite child?  I'm totally not like that. 


But that being said, I seriously do love this lady's blog.  The blogger who "rings my bell?"   Katie @ Marriage Confessions

I first came across her blog reading some Lifestyle article on MSN, I think.  I could be wrong, but I remember it was something where she was quoted.  And I thought it was funny.  It was about the 30 second kiss and how you should be sure to kiss your significant other for 30 seconds every day to keep that spark alive.  T and I tried it, and it worked...sure, we laughed during some of them because I was obviously counting.  But I thought it was hilarious how she and her husband tried it so I tried it, too.  That got me into reading her blog on a regular basis.  (It was sometime after that when I decided to start blogging, as well.)


So what keeps me coming back to Marriage Confessions?  Honesty.  I go for real.  I don't want to read something where everything is always 100 percent peachy kean, no one argues, perfect life, blah blah...because, well, I can't relate to that.  I go for that perfect balance between sometimes serious, other times funny, and a little quirky as well. 


I love how honest Katie is in her posts about marriage, not just because I can relate to some of the struggles she and her husband face, but also because she gives a completely different perspective to struggles that all young married couples face. 


I also love the posts about her kids, Bean and Gracie.  Not just because both of them are absolutely adorable, but because she's so real as a mom and honest about what works for her, what struggles she faces as a parent and worries she has.  And the posts where she has Bean and Gracie talking between each other?  Well, those are always good for a smile. 


So if you have never checked out Marriage Confessions before, you totally should.  It won't be the last time you read her posts either...trust me!