It's been how long?

Today I was fortunate enough to meet a good friend of mine from law school for lunch.  I have not seen this friend since 2006, as she left for her home in California upon graduation so going on visits did not seem too logical, especially considering the 6 figure law school debt both of us carry.  She was one of my closest friends back then as we both struggled through those tough three years in Dayton.  We both went through our own trials and tribulations, and I was blessed enough to be there as her coach as she gave birth to a son our first year.  See, she was accepted to law school and was ready to go when she discovered she was pregnant.  The father?  Pretty much not worth much, so she left on her own, went to school, had a child and finished school.  Seriously.  Since her mom could not get there right away the night she went into labor, I was the one who picked her up in the middle of the night and stayed with her as she was in labor and gave birth.  So yeah, we bonded needless to say.
It was random, but it was so much fun.   I noticed she was in town for the Indy 500 for the very first time, and I messaged her on Facebook saying we should meet for lunch while she is here.  And somehow (which is super unusual for me) it worked out. Yay!
I was a little bit nervous, I have to admit.  I hadn't seen her in ages, so would we be able to talk like nothing had changed?
Sure we would.  But her son?  Holy cow, the kid is 10 now and is just a few inches shorter than me!  Talk about enough to make you feel old, you know?  It's just amazing to see this young man.  It seems like just yesterday he was a small baby.
It is amazing how much things change but with certain friends it's like they never really have changed.  The lunch with her made me realize how much I miss so many of my friends with whom I have lost touch.  I want to do something about that.  Granted, with my job, writing, studying for the broker's exam and well...yeah, you know my family?  T and Aubrey?  (I probably should have started with that, right?), I'm not hoping for a miracle, but I really want to put some effort in this.  Will the contact be reciprocated?  Maybe not, but I'm going to try.  Because sometimes reconnecting with an old friend is just what you need.

From the mouths of babes

The age of two...well, it sucks.  I'm not a fan.  Terrible twos are called terrible twos for a reason, and wow, Aubrey sure does not hold back.  However, for a brief period of time there are moments where she absolutely cracks me up.  So if you're needing a laugh this fine Monday - here you go.  Aubrey, our own comedic routine:
The dinner debate: "I want yogurt" Aubrey "You need to eat something else - what about spaghetti?" Me "I want yogurt" "Pizza?" "Yogurt" "Fish sticks?" "I want yogurt." "Who's on first?" "Yogurt."
Aubrey in church: "Jesus!" (Pointing to the crucifix on the altar) "Shh, yes, honey that's Jesus." "Oh no, Mommy, Jesus big boo-boo on foot!" (Loudly enough so our entire section at the church could hear) "Yes, honey, Jesus has a big boo-boo on his foot.  Now be quiet"
Heading out to daycare -  Me (muttering) "God, lady, just go!" Sitting there in silence, waiting for cars to pass. Aubrey:  "LADY! GO! UGH!"
Trying to be about as quiet as humanly possible, I tiptoe past Aubrey's door after emptying the dryer (laundry room is right next to her room). Dead silence until I hear a sudden "Hi Mommy!" from under the door. Scared the living crap out of me.
Working on potty training -  We sit Aubrey on the potty, as she holds her butterfly and puppy. She looks down: "Pee-pee, come out!" She then holds butterfly down there and says in a much higher pitch "Pee-pee, come out!" Then grabs puppy and in a very deep voice: "Pee-pee, come out!"
Yep she will kill me some day for sharing that story when she has friends over.
I love her, though.  Like that book "Olivia" - She sure wears me out, but I love her a lot."

Happy Mom's Day!

It's Mother's Day!  For all of you moms out there, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!  It's your day to do whatever you want, relax, be with family, treat yourself and more.  I have high hopes of making T do things like change every dirty diaper of Aubrey's this weekend, let me sleep in until noon and cater to my every need.  None of this will happen, of course, but a girl can dream, right?

So on this Mother's Day I am taking a trip down memory lane, thankful for the best, toughest, most rewarding but yet challenging role I have ever had in my life - being someone's mom.  And what a whirlwind it has been so far.....

The thing is?  I wouldn't trade a single moment for the world.  I am the luckiest mom in the world because I get to be her mom.  I couldn't ask for anything more.

Mommy Heartache

This past weekend I had to go out of town for a work conference, and not only was I just leaving town or the state but I was going clear across the other side of the country to Seattle, Washington, and while I was super excited to go to a city I had never visited, it was also the farthest I had been away from my girl.  And that tugged at my heart.  A lot.  
See I have to travel quite a bit for work, and I keep waiting for that to get easier.  I'm told it never does get easier, but still.  It's difficult because Aubrey is that age where she's old enough to know that I am gone but not old enough to understand that I will come back.  It's a tough thing to explain when your mommy suddenly just isn't home when you get home from school.  And hearing about her falling apart in the driveway when T had to tell her that Mommy wasn't home just killed me.  I wanted to be there.  I wanted to comfort her.  I felt like I was letting her down by not being there and I worried that she would resent me for it.  
Irrational?  Perhaps, but I'm a mom so I get to be irrational every now and then.  She's my little girl, and she was sad because I wasn't there.  That seriously killed me.  
I came home Tuesday afternoon and got in around 1:00 a.m. Wednesday morning.  I was gone for a total of three sleeps for her, which seems like forever to me.  And her.  T was able to get her calm on Tuesday by telling her that she went to sleep, Mommy would knock on the door in the morning.  And I did just that.  Her reaction was priceless.  She kept touching me like she was trying to see if I was real.  And smiling and hugging.  Mommy missed her, too.
Of course, an hour after I got her up I had to run to the dentist to fix a broken filling (another blog post), and she had to see me drive away yet again.  That look on her face still makes me feel incredibly awful.  But I did come back, and as soon as I got home, she took my shoes and put them away.  "No more leaving, Mommy!"
The cutest thing of all was what she told her friends at school when I dropped her off this morning, gave her a kiss and closed the classroom door, "That's my Mommy! It's my Mommy!"  
So much emotion - heartache, guilt and complete happiness and unconditional love.  I suppose I should get used to this for the next..um...few years?  No, I'm thinking this feeling never goes away.  It just grows and changes.  
But Mommy is home with her Aubrey and very happy to be.

33 years

Today is my 33rd birthday.  I know I should not say things because I always get "you're not old!" from friends who are older than me, but dude.  I feel old.  How is it that I'm 33 already?  Nearing my mid-thirties.  In two years I will technically no longer be a "young lawyer."  Boo.  
It's been a pretty good birthday despite the fact I feel old.  Friday night I went shopping.  On my own.  It was glorious.  I had a Kohls gift card and coupon and I added to my wardrobe for the spring.  I cannot even remember the last time I went shopping like that.  We're talking pre-Aubrey if not pre-T.  Maybe dating T.  But it's been a long time.  Saturday we just kind of hung out, having a cookout and fire pit in the evening, and then Sunday the family came down for a party.  Lasagna and cake.  Can't beat that.  
So it'll be a low key kind of day....work and dinner at home, but you know, that's alright with me.  As long as I have T and Aubrey with me, I have all that I need.  
So here's to year 33!  May it be a low key and drama free one!

Memories

This should not bother me.  It's just a tree.  I'm supposed to get over these things, right?

Twenty years ago this Saturday my family planted this beautiful flowering pear tree in our yard in honor of my Aunt Linda who died just two months earlier from ovarian cancer.  I know I've talked about her before, but as a kid, I was very close to my aunt who was just like a big kid herself.  She passed away when I was 12-years-old, and...let's just say I didn't handle it well.  Up until the very end I thought she'd be just fine.  It wasn't until one week before her death when my mom sat me down and told me she would not survive that I fell apart.  I don't remember being at her funeral or only just a little bit...I blacked out.  I blacked out when we saw her in the hospital that last time, and I blacked out at her wake and funeral.  I don't remember much of it if at all.   I made her a Valentine's Card, and I was to put it in her casket.  I couldn't.  I couldn't say good bye and I couldn't put it in there so my Dad (his sister) did.  I didn't handle it well at all.  Months afterwards I told my parents I didn't want to live and journaled about how I hated my life.  Granted, I was a teen but still....it wasn't until I had a dream of her that I got back to normal.  I dreamed she was in her mother's house where she lived until her death, with long reddish hair (which I later discovered was the way her hair was when she was younger which I had no idea) and she told me that God sends certain people in your life to be there for certain reasons.  And I woke.  And I was fine.   I should say this was my second dream of her.  The night she passed away, just around 11:30, I went to bed at my grandparent's house and I had a dream she was in the hospital bed and said good bye.  So when I woke I knew she was gone.   Yeah, I'm like Patricia Arquette in Medium.  I have some pretty vivid dreams of loved ones. Our neighbors paid for this tree, and it meant a lot to all of us.  My oldest nephew when he was five or so pointed at the tree and told us it was Aunt Linda's and that "he would have liked to know her."  I wish you did too, kid.  And I wish she knew my child.  She would have loved playing with Aubrey.   Okay, so where does this tree come in?  Well, my parents told me this weekend that apparently the trunk has split into two.  It's at risk of falling into their house and their neighbor's house so they have to take it down.  That made me tear up.  What the hell?  Twenty years.  Twenty years, and I should be fine.  I should not be crying over some tree, right? But I still miss her and her laugh.   And I'm going to miss that tree.  As silly as that sounds.

Progress

Over the course of the past year, T and I have had quite a few downs about money, with the Mary Kay debt and that whole drama behind that.  It's one of the reasons why I started freelancing as much as I did, working hard to pay for extra things we could not afford because of it and also making some extra money to throw towards the debt I incurred because of that whole mistake.  Well, I'm proud to report that just last week we paid off one half of that debt, closing the Mary Kay credit card that I used to purchase inventory.  We still have more to pay off, but calling that credit card company and cancelling the card was one of the most liberating feelings.  And I did it (with T's help, of course, because he's the financial genius here) but each month I would bring in extra money so that we could do that.  And we are almost there.  By early next year it will all be gone.  And that is one hell of a feeling.  
While I have had to back off some of the writing because my new job is a lot more demanding and I'm starting my studies officially to pass the U.S. Customs Broker Exam for this job, I'm still keeping up with my writing with ModVive, as well as a couple other publications that pay enough to make it worthwhile.  Now in a perfect world, I'd still want to write full time.  Oh if only I could make enough money for that.  Sadly, that's a pipe dream but I can dream, right?
I have been busy writing, and if you hadn't caught it there was this - you know, that whole thing about PeeWee Herman picking up one of my ModVive stories and posting it on his Facebook and Twitter feed this week?  I have gone viral!
I also write a story about a teacher who put out a "hit" on one of her problem students, getting older students to beat him up.
And most recently about an attorney who was kept out of a courtroom and could not represent his client because he was wearing shorts.
Going a little off my norm, I've recently been published in the National Association of Mutual Insurance Company's IN magazine, writing a story about the importance of mentoring.
The beauty of all of this is I get to do something I love to take care of something that has weighed me down and my family down for so long.  And it oddly enough costs nothing to do.  I love writing and I love the fact that I am able to make life a little easier for my family and make up for past mistakes.  And I have every intention of continuing even after that last bill is paid!