Focus

I know I'm MIA, and I truly apologize that.  I promise to follow up with a post updating on how the new job is going, but suffice it to say I've been busy.  Putting that as an understatement.  Reading a lot on regulations and just learning what's going on. The first week on a job always has you walking away every day with your head spinning, but I am determined.  This is a new challenge for me, something I've never done before, and I am prepared to conquer it.  It is not going to be easy.  It's going to be a lot of hard work, but I'm in for the long haul.  So I may be a little less frequent with my posts, but I will do my best.  In the meantime, I'm working hard.  In silence, yes, but I'm hoping it'll bring success.  But...like I said, I will update on how the new job is going, promise!  And the transition with Aubrey driving without Mommy, of course.  Until then....I work.  

Aubrey's first haircut

My little girl is growing up way too quickly....big girl bed, using the potty and now first haircut and this was all in ONE week.  Slow down, kid!  But she did really really well, and if these pictures illustrate at least one thing....it's that I have a cute kid. I am a little biased, what can I say?  But I think they speak for themselves so without further ado...I give you Aubrey's first haircut:

The finished product!  She was so proud of herself and earned a sucker for being such a big girl.  I love this little girl so very very much.

Bittersweet

So today is my last day with my current job.  As happy as I am to be closing this chapter of my life and leaving what has quickly turned into a toxic and just all-around bad situation, it is somewhat bittersweet.  I will miss my employees.  I will miss the people I've gotten to know here in this community.  And I'll miss this cause that I support so much.  But unfortunately, it isn't meant to be, and I'll be closing this chapter and stepping into a whole other role.  I'm nervous, yes, as my first day is Monday.  It's something that is completely different and new for me.  I'll have to do a lot of learning, but I honestly feel in my heart this is the right choice.
Now how do I know this is the right choice?  I know because of the changes at home.  The changes in my relationship with Tim.  The changes in how Aubrey has been behaving.  But more importantly, the changes I feel physically in myself.  I can breathe.  I find myself laughing more.  Smiling more.  
Last weekend....unlike others...it was....well, pleasant.  Aubrey had only 2 meltdowns, but other than that, it was amazing how differently she behaved.  All of this within days of me changing the way I acted around her.  Granted, T and I also changed the way we disciplined her and acted when she would try to act out.  But I have to wonder if she picked up on Mommy's mood.  It's a noticeable change.  Even at daycare it is noticeable.  
I know all of what was going on with Aubrey is not on me.  She's 2, and well...toddlers are not always the easiest people to be around or reason with.  But it really is noticeable.  
So despite the fact that I am somewhat (albeit not really all that) sad, I know I'm making the right decision for my family and for myself.  Today is bittersweet but also exciting at the same time.  Here's to my next adventure!

A work in progress

We are working on making things a little less hectic and stressful around the Nain and T household to see if that helps with Aubrey's behavior.  This past weekend we had one of the best ones we have had in a long time.  No arguing, no depression...just a good weekend.  We didn't end up doing too much due to weather, but we both kept busy, and the important thing is we kept a united front when it came to Aubrey.  When she threw a fit, we would hardly acknowledge it, talking calmly but sternly and emphasizing that Mom and Dad are the ones in charge.  The result?  She had a much better day at daycare on Monday.  
Now the napping....yeah....
We transitioned her to a toddler bed this weekend.  She has no problem whatsoever with the nighttime and staying in bed, but during the day is a whole other picture.  This is Aubrey reacting to her new big girl bed:

Do you think she was excited?  And note the outfit....as part of this whole behavior modification thing we have started letting her make some choices like a big girl.  One of these is picking her outfit.  This was her selection on Saturday.  It's hit or miss. :-)  The other is picking her bedtime story.  She chose "The First Thanksgiving" as reading material the other night.  But hey, she is a big girl, and she picked it out!
So Sunday during nap, we hear bangs, things dropping, and when I finally came to get her at two, every single item you could possibly imagine was taken out.  All books were off the shelves, all clothes out of the dresser, toys everywhere, blankets strewn everywhere.  Her room is now barren in terms of anything within reach.  All books, toys, blankets, everything is in the closet.  We already turned the door knob around to lock her in there.  It's funny because we'll hear her knocking when she's awake at 6 a.m.  "Come on, guys!  It's time to get up!"  
So I guess it's a half victory.  She loves it at night.  She loves it during the day, too, but I think it's more the "hey, I can climb out of this thing!" part of it.  We're hoping it'll correlate to staying on her cot at daycare.  We'll see.  
My patience is being tried, but I think we can do this.  For her.  I want nothing but to see my daughter succeed in life, and it breaks my heart that she was acting out so much, more than just a normal toddler, and we had no idea about it.  But now that we do, we'll get there.  Just baby steps.  
We're a work in progress, what can I say?

Stress

I think my behavior is taking a toll on my daughter.  Just writing that kills me, but after a parent-teacher conference today due to Aubrey being aggressive and hitting, I think I might be part of the problem.  Ugh.
Obviously, stuff has been going on at home.  I'm not doing well emotionally and mentally, and this job stress has been a huge issue at home.  T and I have been under quite a bit of pressure with finances, and we do talk about it and often in front of Aubrey.  She's young, so I know she doesn't get it, but I do know that she picks up on tone, mood, and emotions.  And I have not been cognizant of that as I should.  And that makes me feel like the worst mother ever.  
I don't know what goes through the mind of a two-year-old, but I do have to wonder if she thinks Mommy is upset because of her.  Or mommy cries because of her.  I don't ever want her to think that.  Ever.  She is one of the biggest sources of joy in my life, but she's two so she doesn't know that.  All she knows is how she feels, and I wonder if she feels unloved.  And if that's why she's acting out.  
Granted, I also know she's two, so she's going to act like....well, a two-year-old.  They don't call them the terrible twos for nothing.  But I think I need to be doing my part to make that situation a little better.  I am her mom.  I don't want to be letting her down.
Starting a new job is going to be stressful.  That much I know.  But it's a different kind of stress, and maybe, just maybe, this is the kind of change I need.  And I need to work harder on that resolution of mine, focusing on my well-being and happiness overall.
One of my really good friends and fellow blogger put this really appropriate analogy up that I'm trying to keep in mind with all of this.  In life, it's a juggling act.  You are juggling all of these balls, most of which are made of glass:  your relationship with God, your health, your marriage, your children, etc., and your job and finances.  All are made of glass, with the exception of the last one.  That one is made of rubber.  If you lose your focus and drop one or all of the balls, they shatter.   If you drop that rubber one, yes it falls, but it bounces back.  This really puts things in perspective.  I need to be focusing on those other balls (and yes, I'm sure my husband is chuckling right now saying "huh, huh, you said balls..") because I'm risking dropping one or all.  I don't want that.
And she's two so she doesn't read blogs, but I'm truly sorry, Aubrey.  You've done nothing wrong, and Mommy is going to not be so sad and angry around you.

Loyalty

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I saw this picture the other day, not sure where...I think it was on someone's Facebook status or something, but I had to laugh because of how appropriate it is.  It is dead on with my personality.  And just things...things that have happened.  See, here's the problem with Nain.  If I'm going to give something my all, I give it my all.  If I'm sticking by someone, it is 110 percent.  The problem is that I give people or things way too much credit or think that everyone has the best interests of everyone at heart.  It's probably just called naive.  Honestly I am naive.  Not as bad as I used to be, trust me, but I am.
I consider myself a fairly loyal person, as well.  Someone asked me the other day if ever in a million years I would cheat on T.  (No, this person was NOT trying to get me to do anything...it was girl talk) I looked at them like they were crazy.  When I am in a relationship I am in that relationship.  When I say I love you, I mean you and only you.  My loyalty to T is about as strong as it comes.  I'm like that with anything.  Friends, family....job...
I'm loyal when it comes to where I work.  Or at least I was up until what happened last year in December when I was blindsided.  And, well....betrayed would be the word I would describe the way I felt treated.  I love what I do.  I love the cause, I am so passionate about it, it is why I went to law school - to help others.  I gave my all and probably naively believed that was being noticed.  So I took it hard when it came out of left field that things were being done that I was unaware of.  I don't think I've cried that much in awhile.  Hell, see the last few posts in 2013 and you'll see how well I handled that feeling.  I was hurt.  I thought being loyal was enough.  
So tomorrow I'll be giving my 2 weeks notice.  I start the new job on January 27.  New job, new venture, new start.  I'll be saying good bye to negativity that has been dragging me down for so long.  It is kind of bittersweet, though, because I really think if other circumstances were different that this would have been my dream job.  I feel so passionate about it.  But it's not meant to be, and I have to put myself and my family first, loyalty be damned.  Because at some point, you do reach that point where you don't care.  I'm at that point.  I just don't care.  And I hate that because that isn't who I am.  I want to care about what I do.  And it hurts that I've been put in the position where I simply cannot.
So this month will bring new beginnings, and while I hate having to step out with my notice tomorrow, but I have to.  I have to do what is best for my family, no matter what, and I will just consider a lesson learned, a lesson learned.  And that is that.

The next step

It's been a rough last year, few months, weeks and days.  I've started this year's blog off by opening my heart up to my readers and letting you into what is really going on in my life.  I appreciate all of your thoughts and kind words.  They truly mean so much to me.  And I've kept them in my heart as I wake up and push myself through the day.  
Yesterday God dropped a blessing in my lap.  I started the day with that empty, hard feeling in the pit of my stomach and in my heart.  I prayed the rosary in the car while we drove to work, a routine that I have begun since realizing the changes I need to make in my life.  At work, that feeling got worse and worse.  I wrote T an email just venting about how I was feeling when the Coldplay song "Fix You" came on.  I chuckled to myself thinking "how appropriate."  I've always thought of that song not as a relationship or another person "fixing me" but more like God "fixing me."  I've always thought that.  I even posted those lyrics on my Facebook page and said a quick prayer that God watch over me that day and ease the pain in my heart.  
And then it all changed.  I received a phone, the one I've been waiting for so long.  A job that fell into my lap by chance through a referral from my father's coworker that I reluctantly interviewed for over Christmas break was offered to me.  It immediately fixes my family's financial situation.  It is not a legal job per se, something that is totally new to me, but I think that may be just what I need.  I've never been happy since entering the legal profession.  Never.  Maybe what I need to do is step out of my comfort zone completely and go in a new direction.  So I am taking that leap.  Granted it is a job that is not in the same town where I am now but rather in downtown Indy.  T will have to take the brunt of driving Aubrey to daycare until she attends daycare in 2 years.  I will have to kiss her good bye every day knowing that she'll be farther away from me.  That does make me sad, but I know that I need to do this.  
Like I said in my previous posts, it isn't a job that is going to make me happy.  It's a change that only I can bring upon myself to do that.  But I will be escaping a situation that is bringing more heartache than joy.  And life is too short to live life without joy.  I hope as I embark up on this new journey, I will slowly begin to regain or establish the confidence I so desperately need and the happiness in my heart and fulfillment that has been missing for so long.  
God works in strange ways.  And maybe everything does happen for a reason.  I won't question that, and for now, I'm ready to take that step.