I think my behavior is taking a toll on my daughter. Just writing that kills me, but after a parent-teacher conference today due to Aubrey being aggressive and hitting, I think I might be part of the problem. Ugh.
Obviously, stuff has been going on at home. I'm not doing well emotionally and mentally, and this job stress has been a huge issue at home. T and I have been under quite a bit of pressure with finances, and we do talk about it and often in front of Aubrey. She's young, so I know she doesn't get it, but I do know that she picks up on tone, mood, and emotions. And I have not been cognizant of that as I should. And that makes me feel like the worst mother ever.
I don't know what goes through the mind of a two-year-old, but I do have to wonder if she thinks Mommy is upset because of her. Or mommy cries because of her. I don't ever want her to think that. Ever. She is one of the biggest sources of joy in my life, but she's two so she doesn't know that. All she knows is how she feels, and I wonder if she feels unloved. And if that's why she's acting out.
Granted, I also know she's two, so she's going to act like....well, a two-year-old. They don't call them the terrible twos for nothing. But I think I need to be doing my part to make that situation a little better. I am her mom. I don't want to be letting her down.
Starting a new job is going to be stressful. That much I know. But it's a different kind of stress, and maybe, just maybe, this is the kind of change I need. And I need to work harder on that resolution of mine, focusing on my well-being and happiness overall.
One of my really good friends and fellow blogger put this really appropriate analogy up that I'm trying to keep in mind with all of this. In life, it's a juggling act. You are juggling all of these balls, most of which are made of glass: your relationship with God, your health, your marriage, your children, etc., and your job and finances. All are made of glass, with the exception of the last one. That one is made of rubber. If you lose your focus and drop one or all of the balls, they shatter. If you drop that rubber one, yes it falls, but it bounces back. This really puts things in perspective. I need to be focusing on those other balls (and yes, I'm sure my husband is chuckling right now saying "huh, huh, you said balls..") because I'm risking dropping one or all. I don't want that.
And she's two so she doesn't read blogs, but I'm truly sorry, Aubrey. You've done nothing wrong, and Mommy is going to not be so sad and angry around you.