Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Time to work on myself

Hope everyone out there had a very wonderful holiday and new year...I couldn't believe when I looked this morning and saw that I had not posted anything since December 18th.  The reason for this is honestly....I just couldn't bring myself to post.  I just couldn't.  

This is going to sound incredibly awful, but I try my best to be the most honest and open I can be on this blog.  I was not looking forward to the holidays.  At all.  Christmas Day was tough because I know the upcoming year ahead is going to be hard for us, emotionally and financially, and I just couldn't get into it.  

Let me backtrack....

I need a new job.  I have to get a new job.  This one is becoming bad for me mentally and financially, but this wasn't something I chose.  I still have a job but with significantly less pay, one where I'm just so unhappy.  And this didn't hit me smack in the face until the Thursday before holiday break.  Like a train ran over me, I had no control over any of it.  Right before Christmas.  I knew that my pay would be lowered unfairly and had no clue what I was going to do to help my family.  No clue.  Nor did I have any desire to dust myself off and try to find the next best thing because I didn't know what that next best thing was.  I still don't.  I ask myself "what is it that I'm meant to do?"  And I can't answer that.  Honestly I don't think law is it.  But I don't know where to go from there.  

So that, I believe, the 12th?  I took work off on the 13th to try to regroup but I was failing miserably.  I'm not going to lie either when I say I was in a dark place.  I was.  And I couldn't get out.  I did reach out for some help which is good, but it wasn't enough.  I stayed in that dark place until the 20th.  I'm driving home from work with Aubrey in the car, it was sleeting outside, and I was just crying.  I was on the phone with T who was trying his best to tell me something was going to come along, have faith.  And I found myself saying.  Why does it matter?  It's not like God cares.  I don't want to do anything, I don't want to be anywhere, I just don't want to be.  I don't want to exist.  And that scares me, and I know it scares T.  So after some thought and getting home safely I drove to our church's adoration chapel we have - it's a Perpetual Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, and it's a special place where I've found healing before.  I knew I needed to go, but my heart was just hurting so much.  I knelt down in prayer and just cried.  I couldn't stop.  I was so angry with everything, hating myself so much for what I'm doing to our family, the financial problems I put us through, the fact that my depression makes me a lesser mother and wife.  On the wall to my left is a picture of Jesus with the words "Trust in God."  I looked at it angrily, thinking "why?  seriously, why?  Because at this point, I don't even think He cares."  I felt bad thinking that, and as a Catholic, in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament...I mean, that's a bad thing.  I started praying the rosary, saying the prayers over and over again to the point where I prayed two whole rosaries.  I needed to turn off my brain, which I did.  And in doing so, I received some clarity.

In my life I focus so much on making others feel better and any counseling I've had in the past is on dealing with bad that has happened to me because of others.  I learn coping mechanisms on how to deal with difficult people and how to handle stress, albeit poorly.  But never, ever, have I ever focused on making myself happy.  I don't.  I have been told to, but I don't. I can't think of one time in the past decade alone where that was the case.  Putting myself first.  What is that exactly?  

A new job isn't going to fix it all.  T getting a raise isn't going to fix it all.  Me figuring some way to pay off the debt I have put us through isn't going to be that magical button.  Yes, it will make daily life easier, but nothing will ever be okay until I am okay.  With myself, with my life.  If I don't, I am not going to make it.  I mean, for God's sake, I ended up in the ER in 2013 with chest pains from stress.  Work and money stress.  That, my friends, is not worth it.  None of that is worth my life.

I need to find that happiness but in myself.  That will only reflect more in my life with my husband, my child, my friends, all around.  They say no one but yourself can make yourself happy.  Well, it's about time I actually tried that out.  

Now how do I do that?  No flipping clue.  But I'm going to be trusting this one with God.  I have to.  I believe that evening God spoke to me.  I was saying and doing things that are just not Alaina.  Things I know would hurt the people who love me most.  I reached out, and I did get His hand.  

This job news has pushed me off of the cliff with depression right now, I'm not going to lie.  I'm having a hard time looking forward to stuff and I have to keep myself going even when I don't want to.  T and I had our annual night on the town on December 20th where my sister watched Aubrey and we stayed downtown and went out.  I wasn't looking forward to it at all.  How sad is that?  But I went, and we had an amazing evening.  For the first time in forever I had fun.  No thoughts of anything but what we were doing.  Sure, I was drinking, but that wasn't why I was having fun.  I let it all go and just let myself be with T.  And I danced my ass off.  I laughed, kissed T, danced with him, just had fun.  I told T at the end of the night that I hadn't felt like that in forever.  I couldn't remember the last time I was so happy.  He said he couldn't remember that either for me.

I need more of that.  

Yes, I need a new job.  I can't go in somewhere every day where I'm not happy.  And I do have to support my family.  But you know, if it isn't being an attorney that makes me happy, then so be it.  It is a job.  A job doesn't bring you happiness.  It's a job.  My life is supposed to bring me happiness.  I am to create my own happiness.  

This is a long blog post, and well, I don't really give much credence to what Horoscopes say but this is my yearly one I read today.  And it kind of seems oddly appropriate, and I certainly hope that now that I have realized what I have to do, I will do just that.  

2014 is the year of expansion, fulfilling work and stellar well-being, Taurus! If you've fallen prey to the typical Taurus legacy of neglecting your own needs and taking care of everyone else's problems, this is the year to take your power and your life force back so that you can invest in a brand-new life. No, this does not make you selfish or uncaring, this makes you true yourself and with a greater capacity to give to your loved ones because you will no longer be running on empty -- which is probably how you've felt over the past few years. You've certainly learned the art of releasing control in 2013. The good news is that the fog is finally about to lift as the South Node finally moves out of your stars this March. You've been letting go of so many things -- from material possessions to antiquated concepts around values and security. In fact, you've relinquished so much that you may barely recognize your life at this point, Taurus. You've certainly learned to simplify your world in 2013, and now you're getting ready to go rebuild towards greater beauty and harmony. The focus of 2014 is all about communication, work and daily ritual. If you've been promising yourself for eons that you'll get your daily routine into better balance as in: more exercise, better sleep and less work, this is the year to make that happen.
2014 will bring plenty of opportunities for networking and learning new things. Your curiosity is piqued especially through July. Use this positive influence to turn any negative though patterns into more optimistic, big-picture thinking. This is your year to find your inspiration, hope and purpose. If you've been struggling to figure out what you came to this Earth to do, you can count on 2014 to deliver the vision. Now that you've relinquished all that no longer serves you, there is room for the new to take hold and improve your world in a thousand ways.
There is a big emphasis this year on your work and health zone, so plan to direct the majority of your energy towards your daily affairs, projects and your wellbeing in 2014. You're learning the art of balance and beauty, and finding new ways to make your work more creative and less dreary. This is because your entire mindset is changing for the better and you're realizing that just because you're loyal, hardworking and full of more perseverance than most doesn't mean that you have to stick it out in what feels more like drudgery and duty than work that you love.


  1. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way! I'm so glad you were open with T. You took a giant step when you talked to him. Since I'm commenting from my phone I'll keep this short. If you want to talk call me. You're pretty special and I'm glad I've gotten to know you! You're in my prayers.

  2. Thinking of you lady. I know how hard it can be to feel so trapped, but I hope there is something amazing for you just around the corner.

  3. I'm so sorry you are going through all this, thank you for sharing & being so honest. I think great things are coming your way this year! You are finally getting clear on what you don't want, which will bring you so much closer to what you DO want. I will be praying for you!! xoxo

  4. I pray that things get better for you and that you can find sisters both struggle with depression and it's so hard for them to find happiness, too, especially during tough situations in life. This Christmas was especially hard for one of my sisters. You might not have a clue about your next step, but something good will happen in God's time. I know it will! Hang in there!

  5. Oh honey, I'm so sorry this has been such a hard time.I truly believe that reaching out to God was such an important first step. Isn't it amazing how much clarity and grace he will send when we actually ask for it! You are so blessed to have T, he sounds really understanding. I know how it feels to know you need to treat yourself well and put yourself first once in a while, but also know that money is an issue, and feel like you can't spend a bunch of $ on yourself. But do try to do special things for yourself, give yourself little treats, and try to take some private quiet time. I don't know what you have there, but here in LA we have a bunch of these Chinese Foot massage places, where for $20, you can get an amazing one hour massage that leaves you feeling truly pampered. Check into things like that. And try to be as conscious as you can of the small things that make you happy and indulge in them. Maybe just a run by yourself or a long hot bath or reading Aubrey a book. And I may just be an old Catholic woman, but check out this novena - . I said it like a mantra all through the time I was trying to get pregnant, and then all through my pregnancy, and found it incredibly helpful and focusing. It ends with the line "I put all my trust in you", which helped me SO much in shaking off the fear and stress and placing everything in God's hands. Oh no, have I overadviced? This is pretty long, sorry. But I really feel that if you can focus all your mental and spiritual energies on finding a new job/path/happiness then you WILL find it. You are very strong. And don't be afraid to share here on your blog. We are all sending your prayers! XO


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