It's done. Today was her last day at the daycare. Monday she'll start a new daycare which, I really really hope, goes well for her. She needs it, especially after today.
Today was hell for all of us, I think. But more so for her.
Aubrey had an incident report the other day where she hurt herself and cut herself during her normal nap time struggles where the teachers have been trying to physically keep her on her cot. I did not think anything of it really because it was innocent enough. But at bath time Aubrey made a statement to me that made me believe that while it was an accident, it occurred in a way that shouldn't have happened. From the mouth of a two year old. I asked her to repeat the statement and she diverted. So I let some time passed and I asked her again, and this time she looked me dead in the eyes, babbled, said the statement, said oops, oops and the statement again. As clear as day.
She's two so I know that I can't put too much into her statement. I doubt what she said actually occurred, but I started thinking. She only does this at daycare. She throws these fits at nap time? How hard are they physically trying to keep her on the cot? Did something accidentally happen in the course of that?
Why has she been acting out? The behavior they describe to us is stuff we don't see. That's not our kid. So why is she acting out so aggressively there? It doesn't make sense. The only conclusion we could come to was that it was something about the daycare, specifically something about nap time. She was scared of something and she was acting out. And we weren't paying attention.
Yes, we told the daycare personnel and it is being looked into, but honestly I don't really want to pursue it too much at this point. I just want to move on for her sake. It's over, we're starting over, that's all that matters.
But my heart still hurts. T picked her up early from daycare today, as she was having an extremely bad day, and he walked in to get her from the director's office, and the image he described to me is just something I can't shake. Aubrey sitting on the floor, shaking and crying, clearly having cried quite a bit, and when he tried to pick her up she shook more and said "no, daddy, no." He said it was like something he had never seen. She was scared of everyone and wanted to be alone, like she didn't trust anyone at all. What the hell happened that day?
As soon as they got to the car, he said she was slowly getting back to her normal self, and by the time I got home from work it was night and day. We're going to stop talking about this in front of her because I just want to move on. I think the more we talk about it in front of her, the more it'll hang over her. She's old enough to perceive it. I don't want that.
But you ever have that feeling in your gut where you just know something isn't right?
Yeah, I can't shake it either.
The other day (the day she was sent home from school), I prayed the rosary on my drive to work as I do every day. In fact, I said two rosaries, praying that things would work out and get better for Aubrey. And then we got that call and I was so upset thinking why didn't God listen? Why can't He make this better?
I think He did. Things are going to get better, but we had to get her out first. So now I just pray that our family can move on and let go of this. It's done and it's time to move on.