Today is a very special day. It marks 100 days until T and I are married. We've been counting the days down pretty much since we were engaged last July 4th, and we're now down to the double digits (whoo-hoooo!). I have to admit, though, today makes me really nervous. Not because I'm marrying T, because if I could do that today, I would. Heck, if I could have done it yesterday, we'd already be there. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone before, and there has never been any hesitation that I wanted to be Mrs. T :-)
No, I'm nervous because I have no idea what I'm doing with this wedding planning stuff. Absolutely none. Nada. Sure, my mother has taken a lot of the planning, which is fine by me, because I honestly do not have a dream wedding in mind or any idea how to plan one. I feel bad for saying that, but I was never that girl who dreamt of her perfect wedding. My Barbies didn't get married to Ken. They worked a lot and lived on their own. Ken was just there every now and then. (is that weird for a little girl to be like that?)
Honestly I think it boils down to one thing and one thing only. I've never honestly thought I would be getting married. Never. Sure, I've been in long term relationships, and I've loved that person and said I wanted to be with them forever. Yes, this is true, but did I see myself walking down the aisle towards that person in a white dress? No way. I think maybe one person possibly could have qualified under that category. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, and we were together for five years on and off. However, our relationship had way too much dysfunction for either of us to actually, legitimately say we would be together. Sure, it hurt like hell when it was over, but deep down, I knew that it had run its course. I've been through the ringer when it comes to relationships and then some. And more than the average bear, let me tell you. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that I do know heartbreak. We're old friends and go way back. So when it got to 2008, after about five failed long term relationships, I honestly didn't picture myself living the happily ever after dream. I was nearing my 30s, and I had no real prospect of ever settling down. I didn't think I was worth a great love, a happy ending. Until I met T. Sure, I fought it, and I fought it hard. T and I progressed slower than any relationship I have ever been in. I was so near the point of throwing in the towel with love that I proceeded with caution in every step I took. And not just normal caution, but like extreme caution, crime-scene tape near the edge of a cliff caution. And you know what? He was OK with that, and I think that's why I was pulled to him the way I was. He let me do things in my time, and that included opening up to him about everything in my past. The more I got to know T, the deeper and harder I fell for him. He knows me more than I've ever let anyone else know me, and he loves me for me. He wants me to be the best person I can be, as is evident by previous posts and his pushing me to follow my heart and pursue my passions. He's my best friend and the love of my life, and I couldn't be happier with him. I think I fall in love with him just a little bit more every day, and I plan to do just that for the rest of my life.
So today brings me a mix of emotions - sure, panic at "is this all going to get done by September 18th????" and "What, please tell me, what is going to go wrong?" I'm sure something will go wrong. I'm sure not everything is going to get done, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that on that day, I'm going to be walking towards my future, the love of my life, my husband. I know deep down in my heart that nothing else will matter once that music starts playing, and I start walking down the aisle towards T. I only wish that day could be today.
AND...in the spirit of me getting back to my passions, I've started writing again...yes, not just the novel I was talking about, but a little bit of poetry, and this one was inspired by T. Now, be kind because this is the first poem I've written in maybe 15 years, but this one is dedicated to you, T. I love you!
I waited my whole life to meet you,
And now that I have,
I couldn't imagine a day
without holding your hand,
I waited my whole life to kiss you,
And now that I can,
I could not go for just one second,
Without feeling your love,
I waited my whole life to know you,
And now that I do,
I know that true love exists,
And even in your darkest hour,
Your dreams can come true.