Thursday, June 10, 2010

100 days from today....

Today is a very special day. It marks 100 days until T and I are married. We've been counting the days down pretty much since we were engaged last July 4th, and we're now down to the double digits (whoo-hoooo!). I have to admit, though, today makes me really nervous. Not because I'm marrying T, because if I could do that today, I would. Heck, if I could have done it yesterday, we'd already be there. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone before, and there has never been any hesitation that I wanted to be Mrs. T :-)

No, I'm nervous because I have no idea what I'm doing with this wedding planning stuff. Absolutely none. Nada. Sure, my mother has taken a lot of the planning, which is fine by me, because I honestly do not have a dream wedding in mind or any idea how to plan one. I feel bad for saying that, but I was never that girl who dreamt of her perfect wedding. My Barbies didn't get married to Ken. They worked a lot and lived on their own. Ken was just there every now and then. (is that weird for a little girl to be like that?)

Honestly I think it boils down to one thing and one thing only. I've never honestly thought I would be getting married. Never. Sure, I've been in long term relationships, and I've loved that person and said I wanted to be with them forever. Yes, this is true, but did I see myself walking down the aisle towards that person in a white dress? No way. I think maybe one person possibly could have qualified under that category. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, and we were together for five years on and off. However, our relationship had way too much dysfunction for either of us to actually, legitimately say we would be together. Sure, it hurt like hell when it was over, but deep down, I knew that it had run its course. I've been through the ringer when it comes to relationships and then some. And more than the average bear, let me tell you. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that I do know heartbreak. We're old friends and go way back. So when it got to 2008, after about five failed long term relationships, I honestly didn't picture myself living the happily ever after dream. I was nearing my 30s, and I had no real prospect of ever settling down. I didn't think I was worth a great love, a happy ending. Until I met T. Sure, I fought it, and I fought it hard. T and I progressed slower than any relationship I have ever been in. I was so near the point of throwing in the towel with love that I proceeded with caution in every step I took. And not just normal caution, but like extreme caution, crime-scene tape near the edge of a cliff caution. And you know what? He was OK with that, and I think that's why I was pulled to him the way I was. He let me do things in my time, and that included opening up to him about everything in my past. The more I got to know T, the deeper and harder I fell for him. He knows me more than I've ever let anyone else know me, and he loves me for me. He wants me to be the best person I can be, as is evident by previous posts and his pushing me to follow my heart and pursue my passions. He's my best friend and the love of my life, and I couldn't be happier with him. I think I fall in love with him just a little bit more every day, and I plan to do just that for the rest of my life.

So today brings me a mix of emotions - sure, panic at "is this all going to get done by September 18th????" and "What, please tell me, what is going to go wrong?" I'm sure something will go wrong. I'm sure not everything is going to get done, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that on that day, I'm going to be walking towards my future, the love of my life, my husband. I know deep down in my heart that nothing else will matter once that music starts playing, and I start walking down the aisle towards T. I only wish that day could be today. the spirit of me getting back to my passions, I've started writing again...yes, not just the novel I was talking about, but a little bit of poetry, and this one was inspired by T. Now, be kind because this is the first poem I've written in maybe 15 years, but this one is dedicated to you, T. I love you!

I waited my whole life to meet you,
And now that I have,
I couldn't imagine a day
without holding your hand,
I waited my whole life to kiss you,
And now that I can,
I could not go for just one second,
Without feeling your love,
I waited my whole life to know you,
And now that I do,
I know that true love exists,
And even in your darkest hour,
Your dreams can come true.


  1. I love your poem. It doesn't seem like it's been 15 years. You seem like a natural!

    My oldest got married almost two years ago and hubby and I did the entire reception (ok...mostly hubby) including the cake. It turned out really nice. We enlisted the help of lots of friends and I don't think it could have been any nicer, other than it raining about 30 minutes prior to the outdoor wedding and the power going off and not coming back on until about 5 minutes before the ceremony! I'm gonna write a post about it soon. It will all work out. Just try to relax and enjoy it.

  2. 100 days! That's wonderful! So exciting!

    It's totally natural to be stressed by wedding planning. But everything will get done. I think you are in a good place, if you don't have any preconceived notions about what you want. (Less room for disappointment!) It will be a wonderful day and you'll get to marry your sweetheart!

    So excited to read your poem! Sometimes I think about posting a poem on my blog, but I'm afraid everyone would think it was stupid. :-( You are brave and awesome!

  3. Thank you both for your really kind comments! I am so excited for September 18th to get here, and I have no doubt it'll be the best day of both of our lives. Thank you again!

  4. I feel excited to read your post. I'm happy to read , like is wonderful.
    Best wishes.

  5. Oh, my, I've got tears! You're very eloquent in you writing and your poem is spot on. I never envisioned myself married either until John walked into my life. Your wedding will go off wonderfully, even if there's a hitch, it will just make for a great story on your anniversary! Mazel tov!

  6. I was never one of those girls that planned on the perfect wedding my whole life either. I knew I would get married but the wedding wasn't something I wanted to put any time or effort stressing about. It is just a day that we hope we would have some fun and get good pictures to show for. I was so pleased when my wedding-obsessed sister decided she wanted to take charge. I said, great let me know when to show up! Everything turned out just right, no stress, beautiful, fun and then off to Aruba, our dream destination. Now the honeymoon, there is something to get all excited about!! That and marrying the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with, that is what the wedding boils down to. Enjoy every minute, no stress!

    I loved your poem too by the way. I used to write them all the time (over 15 years ago!) but I should get back into it. I love coming across old poems.

  7. Aw, thank you, Sarah and Sprite's Keeper!


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