Honesty

I've been delaying writing a blog post for awhile now.  I know it's been since Wednesday (honestly Monday because I wrote Tuesday and Wednesday's posts ahead of time) since I've written, and I have absolutely no motivation to do so.  I am completely fine writing for my freelance work because I don't have to be honest and open about myself in those pieces.  But this is my blog.  I make a point to not be fake when I write anything here, and I have done a pretty damn good job at that thus far.  
I hate to say I can't bring myself to be 100 percent honest right now with my posts.  As you all are aware, I have made a series of bad decisions, causing a lot of financial distress for my family.  And the nonprofit industry isn't exactly booming or lucrative.  But things kind of hit the fan and I hit rock bottom last week.  I'm not even sure how to write this so I maintain some kind of vagueness and integrity, but I consider the metaphor being thrown under the bus a good one for how I feel.  Within just two days my family's financial livelihood was torn apart.  Just days before Christmas and just days before the end of my office's official "work year."  Salary.  Cut.  Me?  Crushed.  And extremely worried.  
It isn't that T and I are poor by any means, but we are tight.  And I'm a huge part of it.  And I hate that.  I've made no secret of the fact that I struggle with depression either.  Well, after Tuesday and the blow I took and the aftershock it had on my family, crushed can be the only word to describe how I feel.  Well, no defeated.  And failure.  
I'm kind of in a dark place inside my mind.
I think I used the phrase "I'm a failure" or "worthless" more than I should in these past few days.  I am so very fortunate that I have T by my side and wonderful friends who know me better than I know myself and have grabbed my hand as I'm sinking even though I didn't want to be saved.  
I don't like this dark place, and I certainly don't want to stay here.   I know I'm blessed.  I know I'm fortunate to have so many things in my life - T and Aubrey.  I'm totally aware of that.  It'll get better.  I know God has a plan through all of this.  I found the above picture on Facebook and keep trying to remind myself that, among other quotes.  "When you're going through hell, keep going."  "God doesn't give you anything you cannot handle."  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  I repeat those over and over in my head.  

But I think the first thing is to acknowledge it.  Having been thrown for a loop, the rug pulled from underneath me, I'm in a dark place, a hole if you will, but there is only way to go.  And that is up, and it's a good thing I have loving hands reaching out to help pull me up.  

(FYI - I love you, T.  Thank you for everything you are and do.)