Focus

I know I'm MIA, and I truly apologize that.  I promise to follow up with a post updating on how the new job is going, but suffice it to say I've been busy.  Putting that as an understatement.  Reading a lot on regulations and just learning what's going on. The first week on a job always has you walking away every day with your head spinning, but I am determined.  This is a new challenge for me, something I've never done before, and I am prepared to conquer it.  It is not going to be easy.  It's going to be a lot of hard work, but I'm in for the long haul.  So I may be a little less frequent with my posts, but I will do my best.  In the meantime, I'm working hard.  In silence, yes, but I'm hoping it'll bring success.  But...like I said, I will update on how the new job is going, promise!  And the transition with Aubrey driving without Mommy, of course.  Until then....I work.  

Aubrey's first haircut

My little girl is growing up way too quickly....big girl bed, using the potty and now first haircut and this was all in ONE week.  Slow down, kid!  But she did really really well, and if these pictures illustrate at least one thing....it's that I have a cute kid. I am a little biased, what can I say?  But I think they speak for themselves so without further ado...I give you Aubrey's first haircut:

The finished product!  She was so proud of herself and earned a sucker for being such a big girl.  I love this little girl so very very much.

Bittersweet

So today is my last day with my current job.  As happy as I am to be closing this chapter of my life and leaving what has quickly turned into a toxic and just all-around bad situation, it is somewhat bittersweet.  I will miss my employees.  I will miss the people I've gotten to know here in this community.  And I'll miss this cause that I support so much.  But unfortunately, it isn't meant to be, and I'll be closing this chapter and stepping into a whole other role.  I'm nervous, yes, as my first day is Monday.  It's something that is completely different and new for me.  I'll have to do a lot of learning, but I honestly feel in my heart this is the right choice.
Now how do I know this is the right choice?  I know because of the changes at home.  The changes in my relationship with Tim.  The changes in how Aubrey has been behaving.  But more importantly, the changes I feel physically in myself.  I can breathe.  I find myself laughing more.  Smiling more.  
Last weekend....unlike others...it was....well, pleasant.  Aubrey had only 2 meltdowns, but other than that, it was amazing how differently she behaved.  All of this within days of me changing the way I acted around her.  Granted, T and I also changed the way we disciplined her and acted when she would try to act out.  But I have to wonder if she picked up on Mommy's mood.  It's a noticeable change.  Even at daycare it is noticeable.  
I know all of what was going on with Aubrey is not on me.  She's 2, and well...toddlers are not always the easiest people to be around or reason with.  But it really is noticeable.  
So despite the fact that I am somewhat (albeit not really all that) sad, I know I'm making the right decision for my family and for myself.  Today is bittersweet but also exciting at the same time.  Here's to my next adventure!

A work in progress

We are working on making things a little less hectic and stressful around the Nain and T household to see if that helps with Aubrey's behavior.  This past weekend we had one of the best ones we have had in a long time.  No arguing, no depression...just a good weekend.  We didn't end up doing too much due to weather, but we both kept busy, and the important thing is we kept a united front when it came to Aubrey.  When she threw a fit, we would hardly acknowledge it, talking calmly but sternly and emphasizing that Mom and Dad are the ones in charge.  The result?  She had a much better day at daycare on Monday.  
Now the napping....yeah....
We transitioned her to a toddler bed this weekend.  She has no problem whatsoever with the nighttime and staying in bed, but during the day is a whole other picture.  This is Aubrey reacting to her new big girl bed:

Do you think she was excited?  And note the outfit....as part of this whole behavior modification thing we have started letting her make some choices like a big girl.  One of these is picking her outfit.  This was her selection on Saturday.  It's hit or miss. :-)  The other is picking her bedtime story.  She chose "The First Thanksgiving" as reading material the other night.  But hey, she is a big girl, and she picked it out!
So Sunday during nap, we hear bangs, things dropping, and when I finally came to get her at two, every single item you could possibly imagine was taken out.  All books were off the shelves, all clothes out of the dresser, toys everywhere, blankets strewn everywhere.  Her room is now barren in terms of anything within reach.  All books, toys, blankets, everything is in the closet.  We already turned the door knob around to lock her in there.  It's funny because we'll hear her knocking when she's awake at 6 a.m.  "Come on, guys!  It's time to get up!"  
So I guess it's a half victory.  She loves it at night.  She loves it during the day, too, but I think it's more the "hey, I can climb out of this thing!" part of it.  We're hoping it'll correlate to staying on her cot at daycare.  We'll see.  
My patience is being tried, but I think we can do this.  For her.  I want nothing but to see my daughter succeed in life, and it breaks my heart that she was acting out so much, more than just a normal toddler, and we had no idea about it.  But now that we do, we'll get there.  Just baby steps.  
We're a work in progress, what can I say?

Stress

I think my behavior is taking a toll on my daughter.  Just writing that kills me, but after a parent-teacher conference today due to Aubrey being aggressive and hitting, I think I might be part of the problem.  Ugh.
Obviously, stuff has been going on at home.  I'm not doing well emotionally and mentally, and this job stress has been a huge issue at home.  T and I have been under quite a bit of pressure with finances, and we do talk about it and often in front of Aubrey.  She's young, so I know she doesn't get it, but I do know that she picks up on tone, mood, and emotions.  And I have not been cognizant of that as I should.  And that makes me feel like the worst mother ever.  
I don't know what goes through the mind of a two-year-old, but I do have to wonder if she thinks Mommy is upset because of her.  Or mommy cries because of her.  I don't ever want her to think that.  Ever.  She is one of the biggest sources of joy in my life, but she's two so she doesn't know that.  All she knows is how she feels, and I wonder if she feels unloved.  And if that's why she's acting out.  
Granted, I also know she's two, so she's going to act like....well, a two-year-old.  They don't call them the terrible twos for nothing.  But I think I need to be doing my part to make that situation a little better.  I am her mom.  I don't want to be letting her down.
Starting a new job is going to be stressful.  That much I know.  But it's a different kind of stress, and maybe, just maybe, this is the kind of change I need.  And I need to work harder on that resolution of mine, focusing on my well-being and happiness overall.
One of my really good friends and fellow blogger put this really appropriate analogy up that I'm trying to keep in mind with all of this.  In life, it's a juggling act.  You are juggling all of these balls, most of which are made of glass:  your relationship with God, your health, your marriage, your children, etc., and your job and finances.  All are made of glass, with the exception of the last one.  That one is made of rubber.  If you lose your focus and drop one or all of the balls, they shatter.   If you drop that rubber one, yes it falls, but it bounces back.  This really puts things in perspective.  I need to be focusing on those other balls (and yes, I'm sure my husband is chuckling right now saying "huh, huh, you said balls..") because I'm risking dropping one or all.  I don't want that.
And she's two so she doesn't read blogs, but I'm truly sorry, Aubrey.  You've done nothing wrong, and Mommy is going to not be so sad and angry around you.

Loyalty

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I saw this picture the other day, not sure where...I think it was on someone's Facebook status or something, but I had to laugh because of how appropriate it is.  It is dead on with my personality.  And just things...things that have happened.  See, here's the problem with Nain.  If I'm going to give something my all, I give it my all.  If I'm sticking by someone, it is 110 percent.  The problem is that I give people or things way too much credit or think that everyone has the best interests of everyone at heart.  It's probably just called naive.  Honestly I am naive.  Not as bad as I used to be, trust me, but I am.
I consider myself a fairly loyal person, as well.  Someone asked me the other day if ever in a million years I would cheat on T.  (No, this person was NOT trying to get me to do anything...it was girl talk) I looked at them like they were crazy.  When I am in a relationship I am in that relationship.  When I say I love you, I mean you and only you.  My loyalty to T is about as strong as it comes.  I'm like that with anything.  Friends, family....job...
I'm loyal when it comes to where I work.  Or at least I was up until what happened last year in December when I was blindsided.  And, well....betrayed would be the word I would describe the way I felt treated.  I love what I do.  I love the cause, I am so passionate about it, it is why I went to law school - to help others.  I gave my all and probably naively believed that was being noticed.  So I took it hard when it came out of left field that things were being done that I was unaware of.  I don't think I've cried that much in awhile.  Hell, see the last few posts in 2013 and you'll see how well I handled that feeling.  I was hurt.  I thought being loyal was enough.  
So tomorrow I'll be giving my 2 weeks notice.  I start the new job on January 27.  New job, new venture, new start.  I'll be saying good bye to negativity that has been dragging me down for so long.  It is kind of bittersweet, though, because I really think if other circumstances were different that this would have been my dream job.  I feel so passionate about it.  But it's not meant to be, and I have to put myself and my family first, loyalty be damned.  Because at some point, you do reach that point where you don't care.  I'm at that point.  I just don't care.  And I hate that because that isn't who I am.  I want to care about what I do.  And it hurts that I've been put in the position where I simply cannot.
So this month will bring new beginnings, and while I hate having to step out with my notice tomorrow, but I have to.  I have to do what is best for my family, no matter what, and I will just consider a lesson learned, a lesson learned.  And that is that.

The next step

It's been a rough last year, few months, weeks and days.  I've started this year's blog off by opening my heart up to my readers and letting you into what is really going on in my life.  I appreciate all of your thoughts and kind words.  They truly mean so much to me.  And I've kept them in my heart as I wake up and push myself through the day.  
Yesterday God dropped a blessing in my lap.  I started the day with that empty, hard feeling in the pit of my stomach and in my heart.  I prayed the rosary in the car while we drove to work, a routine that I have begun since realizing the changes I need to make in my life.  At work, that feeling got worse and worse.  I wrote T an email just venting about how I was feeling when the Coldplay song "Fix You" came on.  I chuckled to myself thinking "how appropriate."  I've always thought of that song not as a relationship or another person "fixing me" but more like God "fixing me."  I've always thought that.  I even posted those lyrics on my Facebook page and said a quick prayer that God watch over me that day and ease the pain in my heart.  
And then it all changed.  I received a phone, the one I've been waiting for so long.  A job that fell into my lap by chance through a referral from my father's coworker that I reluctantly interviewed for over Christmas break was offered to me.  It immediately fixes my family's financial situation.  It is not a legal job per se, something that is totally new to me, but I think that may be just what I need.  I've never been happy since entering the legal profession.  Never.  Maybe what I need to do is step out of my comfort zone completely and go in a new direction.  So I am taking that leap.  Granted it is a job that is not in the same town where I am now but rather in downtown Indy.  T will have to take the brunt of driving Aubrey to daycare until she attends daycare in 2 years.  I will have to kiss her good bye every day knowing that she'll be farther away from me.  That does make me sad, but I know that I need to do this.  
Like I said in my previous posts, it isn't a job that is going to make me happy.  It's a change that only I can bring upon myself to do that.  But I will be escaping a situation that is bringing more heartache than joy.  And life is too short to live life without joy.  I hope as I embark up on this new journey, I will slowly begin to regain or establish the confidence I so desperately need and the happiness in my heart and fulfillment that has been missing for so long.  
God works in strange ways.  And maybe everything does happen for a reason.  I won't question that, and for now, I'm ready to take that step.

My little blessing

Today was supposed to be our first day back at work, meaning Aubrey's first day back at daycare.  She needs to go back to daycare.  Seriously, she has been going stir crazy and needs to interact with other children.  But....we are stuck in the house with -12.8 degrees outside with a wind chill of -45 degrees.  And no, we do not live in the arctic.  And 11 inches of snow outside with a travel ban.  Darn.  So we're stuck in the house again.  I swear the terrible twos have gotten worse and worse over this break.  I have a kid that never ever stops going and is pretty demanding. 

 

I swear I have read the same books 20 times each, one of them being the children's Bible she got for her Baptism.  She wants to color but not color because her idea of coloring is looking at the book.  Mommy don't dare use that crayon.  Mommy, I need milk.  No napping, constant fussing (teething).  I've been at my wit's end as a mother.

 

However, reading my book this morning, I came to a realization.  I am blessed.  I know I am.  My daughter wants me to read with her.  The fact that she wants me to read the Bible and points out Jesus really says something.  She says please and thank you.  She reaches back and gives me a kiss. 

 

I have to remind myself of this in church as she runs around the narthex.  We ran into a friend of mine who helped me with her, and she just chuckled at how curious and active Aubrey was.  She said "she was so good! Thank you for the entertainment."  I never thought of it like that.  I'm always like "why can't she just sit still?  why is she acting up?"  In fact, unless she's screaming or crying, she's not acting up.  Sure, she's active, but I am lucky in that I have an active little girl.  So many people don't have this.  I am blessed.

 

As T walked down the aisle for communion, she looked at the crucifix above the altar and whispered "Jesus" to T.  He said "yes, that is Jesus."  She looked around the church and found a picture of the Sacred Heart and said "Jesus!"   T goes "Yes, that is Jesus, too."  We need to treasure these sweet moments like this.

 

Today she is acting up.  Teething is awful, and I can't imagine how she feels.  But I am trying my best to remind myself just how blessed I am.  She is the best part of T and myself.  Sure, she drives us crazy, but that's all part of the adventure of parenting.  And some day I'll look back at these little moments when she's a teenager and not wanting to talk to me and really miss them.

   

The Purple Crayon

I've decided that I'm continuing on with being open on this blog and honest with what's going on with me as, well....I'm not one to be fake.  I do really appreciate all of the kind things you guys said the other day.  If you don't mind, say a prayer or sending positive thoughts...I did have a job interview somewhere I really liked.  But I'm not one to get my hopes up, but still....anyway, onto the blog...

 

A very good friend of mine gave me a book the other day regarding balancing your life and priorities, and one of the big things is about how we, as humans, like to control everything.  We have to make everything in our lives perfect, and we're the only ones who can make things happen, fix things, etc.  The author talked about a book that Aubrey has called Harold and the Purple Crayon, which is a book about a boy who could draw anything he would want with his purple crayon.  If he wanted a dog, he could make one appear.  A car?  Only needed to draw one with his crayon.  The author said she was asked what she would ask for if she had that capability.  She listed making her life perfect, her children behave and be grateful, her husband be kinder, lose weight, better home, etc.  I started thinking, what would I ask for?  First thing that popped into my mind is I would draw happiness.  But I'm not quite sure how you draw that.  I think it encompasses a lot of things.  Family, love, etc.  If I were to draw a perfect life, I'd make myself more patient with my husband and Aubrey, I would smile more, find happiness in the little things, be grateful for the things I have in my life, and the big thing at the current moment.  I'd fix our financial situation.  I could fix it all, right?  Or at least that's kind of the mindset that I tend to go by.

 

The author stated that we like to think that the purple crayon should be in our control.  We're in control of our lives, so it is our crayon, right?  She said the problem is people don't realize that really we, in fact, should be giving that crayon to God.  It's something I struggle with.  I want so badly to know everything will be okay.  I want it to be now.  I'm tired of waiting.  But I'm still trying to control it.  I struggle with that whole give it up to God thing.  I always have.

 

She also said that rather than fight this we should crawl into his lap and ask for Him to make it better.  Does that mean a job is going to miraculously fall into my lap tomorrow?  Oh, I really wish that were the case and (God, I know You are reading this) that would be SO amazing.  No, it just means that He is going to be with me and I'm not alone in this.  I know I'm not alone because T is always by my side, but I consider it more like alone in my head.  Being alone in one's thoughts can be the worst thing ever, but He knows what my heart feels, even if I don't say it out loud.  That's a problem of mine.  I keep it in, don't really tell anyone...even T, and then it explodes - I.e., last post.  It's that helpless feeling that you don't always express.  It's just.....there.  So that picture in my head helped.  I need to give over that crayon and even if I don't literally crawl into His lap, I need to hold His hand. 

 

Okay, Nain....hand over the crayon now....you can do it...

 

Time to work on myself

Hope everyone out there had a very wonderful holiday and new year...I couldn't believe when I looked this morning and saw that I had not posted anything since December 18th.  The reason for this is honestly....I just couldn't bring myself to post.  I just couldn't.  
This is going to sound incredibly awful, but I try my best to be the most honest and open I can be on this blog.  I was not looking forward to the holidays.  At all.  Christmas Day was tough because I know the upcoming year ahead is going to be hard for us, emotionally and financially, and I just couldn't get into it.  
Let me backtrack....
I need a new job.  I have to get a new job.  This one is becoming bad for me mentally and financially, but this wasn't something I chose.  I still have a job but with significantly less pay, one where I'm just so unhappy.  And this didn't hit me smack in the face until the Thursday before holiday break.  Like a train ran over me, I had no control over any of it.  Right before Christmas.  I knew that my pay would be lowered unfairly and had no clue what I was going to do to help my family.  No clue.  Nor did I have any desire to dust myself off and try to find the next best thing because I didn't know what that next best thing was.  I still don't.  I ask myself "what is it that I'm meant to do?"  And I can't answer that.  Honestly I don't think law is it.  But I don't know where to go from there.  
So that, I believe, the 12th?  I took work off on the 13th to try to regroup but I was failing miserably.  I'm not going to lie either when I say I was in a dark place.  I was.  And I couldn't get out.  I did reach out for some help which is good, but it wasn't enough.  I stayed in that dark place until the 20th.  I'm driving home from work with Aubrey in the car, it was sleeting outside, and I was just crying.  I was on the phone with T who was trying his best to tell me something was going to come along, have faith.  And I found myself saying.  Why does it matter?  It's not like God cares.  I don't want to do anything, I don't want to be anywhere, I just don't want to be.  I don't want to exist.  And that scares me, and I know it scares T.  So after some thought and getting home safely I drove to our church's adoration chapel we have - it's a Perpetual Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, and it's a special place where I've found healing before.  I knew I needed to go, but my heart was just hurting so much.  I knelt down in prayer and just cried.  I couldn't stop.  I was so angry with everything, hating myself so much for what I'm doing to our family, the financial problems I put us through, the fact that my depression makes me a lesser mother and wife.  On the wall to my left is a picture of Jesus with the words "Trust in God."  I looked at it angrily, thinking "why?  seriously, why?  Because at this point, I don't even think He cares."  I felt bad thinking that, and as a Catholic, in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament...I mean, that's a bad thing.  I started praying the rosary, saying the prayers over and over again to the point where I prayed two whole rosaries.  I needed to turn off my brain, which I did.  And in doing so, I received some clarity.
In my life I focus so much on making others feel better and any counseling I've had in the past is on dealing with bad that has happened to me because of others.  I learn coping mechanisms on how to deal with difficult people and how to handle stress, albeit poorly.  But never, ever, have I ever focused on making myself happy.  I don't.  I have been told to, but I don't. I can't think of one time in the past decade alone where that was the case.  Putting myself first.  What is that exactly?  
A new job isn't going to fix it all.  T getting a raise isn't going to fix it all.  Me figuring some way to pay off the debt I have put us through isn't going to be that magical button.  Yes, it will make daily life easier, but nothing will ever be okay until I am okay.  With myself, with my life.  If I don't, I am not going to make it.  I mean, for God's sake, I ended up in the ER in 2013 with chest pains from stress.  Work and money stress.  That, my friends, is not worth it.  None of that is worth my life.
I need to find that happiness but in myself.  That will only reflect more in my life with my husband, my child, my friends, all around.  They say no one but yourself can make yourself happy.  Well, it's about time I actually tried that out.  
Now how do I do that?  No flipping clue.  But I'm going to be trusting this one with God.  I have to.  I believe that evening God spoke to me.  I was saying and doing things that are just not Alaina.  Things I know would hurt the people who love me most.  I reached out, and I did get His hand.  
This job news has pushed me off of the cliff with depression right now, I'm not going to lie.  I'm having a hard time looking forward to stuff and I have to keep myself going even when I don't want to.  T and I had our annual night on the town on December 20th where my sister watched Aubrey and we stayed downtown and went out.  I wasn't looking forward to it at all.  How sad is that?  But I went, and we had an amazing evening.  For the first time in forever I had fun.  No thoughts of anything but what we were doing.  Sure, I was drinking, but that wasn't why I was having fun.  I let it all go and just let myself be with T.  And I danced my ass off.  I laughed, kissed T, danced with him, just had fun.  I told T at the end of the night that I hadn't felt like that in forever.  I couldn't remember the last time I was so happy.  He said he couldn't remember that either for me.
I need more of that.  
Yes, I need a new job.  I can't go in somewhere every day where I'm not happy.  And I do have to support my family.  But you know, if it isn't being an attorney that makes me happy, then so be it.  It is a job.  A job doesn't bring you happiness.  It's a job.  My life is supposed to bring me happiness.  I am to create my own happiness.  
This is a long blog post, and well, I don't really give much credence to what Horoscopes say but this is my yearly one I read today.  And it kind of seems oddly appropriate, and I certainly hope that now that I have realized what I have to do, I will do just that.  

Taurus 2014 is the year of expansion, fulfilling work and stellar well-being, Taurus! If you've fallen prey to the typical Taurus legacy of neglecting your own needs and taking care of everyone else's problems, this is the year to take your power and your life force back so that you can invest in a brand-new life. No, this does not make you selfish or uncaring, this makes you true yourself and with a greater capacity to give to your loved ones because you will no longer be running on empty -- which is probably how you've felt over the past few years. You've certainly learned the art of releasing control in 2013. The good news is that the fog is finally about to lift as the South Node finally moves out of your stars this March. You've been letting go of so many things -- from material possessions to antiquated concepts around values and security. In fact, you've relinquished so much that you may barely recognize your life at this point, Taurus. You've certainly learned to simplify your world in 2013, and now you're getting ready to go rebuild towards greater beauty and harmony. The focus of 2014 is all about communication, work and daily ritual. If you've been promising yourself for eons that you'll get your daily routine into better balance as in: more exercise, better sleep and less work, this is the year to make that happen. 2014 will bring plenty of opportunities for networking and learning new things. Your curiosity is piqued especially through July. Use this positive influence to turn any negative though patterns into more optimistic, big-picture thinking. This is your year to find your inspiration, hope and purpose. If you've been struggling to figure out what you came to this Earth to do, you can count on 2014 to deliver the vision. Now that you've relinquished all that no longer serves you, there is room for the new to take hold and improve your world in a thousand ways. There is a big emphasis this year on your work and health zone, so plan to direct the majority of your energy towards your daily affairs, projects and your wellbeing in 2014. You're learning the art of balance and beauty, and finding new ways to make your work more creative and less dreary. This is because your entire mindset is changing for the better and you're realizing that just because you're loyal, hardworking and full of more perseverance than most doesn't mean that you have to stick it out in what feels more like drudgery and duty than work that you love.