Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Darn that guilt

So, as I said in yesterday's post, I'll be working from home and taking it easy the remainder of this pregnancy for my sake, as well as Half-pint's.  It's a good idea.  In theory....
For those of you who know me all too well, you know that sitting around and relaxing is totally not my thing.  It's a talent I sorely lack.  I think the only time I truly sat around and did nothing was when I had mono in college.  And even then, I went stir crazy. 
So here I am, taking it easy.  And "relaxing."  Whatever that means.  And truth be told?  I feel incredibly incredibly guilty about it.  I feel guilty as T wakes up early in the morning and leaves for work.  Sure, I'm working from the comfort of my living room, but the bonus in that is that no one has to see how awful I look while I'm doing it.  Or how long I stay in my pajamas.  So long as I have my feet up and my back in a comfortable position, I'm good.  But I still feel guilty that I'm doing it.  I should be in the office.  I'm the boss, after all...shouldn't I be there till the very end?  Until I can work no more? 
Don't get me wrong.  When I'm officially on maternity leave, I will  have no problem not being at work.  Because then, my task will be simple and will be about someone else.  I will be off work because I am taking care of her.  But right now?  I'm taking care of myself.  And I'm not comfortable with that concept.  I mean, I am a big girl.  I can handle things.  I should be able to go into work every day and come home and cook a fabulous meal, spend quality time with T and go to bed to start it all over again.  I've been doing this so well for 9 months.  What's two weeks more?  I mean, sure, when I'm at work, I am so exhausted from my medication that I can barely keep my eyes open.  And sure, T has had to drive every day because I'm not safe behind the wheel.  And I'm sure that affects my productivity, but at least I'm there.  In body.   That's all that matters. 
So why is it so hard for me to take that step back and admit that I need to slow it down a notch?  Why is it that on one of my days where I'm supposed to be relaxing I find myself wanting to clean the downstairs from top to bottom?  And do three loads of laundry?   Nesting, yes, I know, but I'm supposed to be relaxing.  Taking a nap here and there when I need to.  Why does it feel just so....oh, I don't know....wrong? 
I am a guilt-ridden person by nature.  I come from a long, long line of women who feel guilty about everything.  It's in my DNA.  But these next few weeks, I guess I just need to remind myself that I need to take care of myself for her.  And for my sake, too.  We're nearing the finish line, and it's no time for my pride to get in the way.  I just think I need that gentle reminder here and there....


  1. It seems you are ok with staying home and taking care of her, so lets look at this logically, THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING NOW, taking care of her. It will never cease to amaze me that we grow these little people and even though she seems like a concept on some level right now, you could actually have her today and then she will be here and separate from your body. She is already fully cooked, just getting the finishing touches on her now. You are taking care of her right now, weather it feels like it or not. Just think of this as your working part of your maternity leave, and let go of the guilt mamma! :)

  2. Oh, I know what you mean. I've been dealing with that guilt since MJ and I moved together. At first, it was because I was studying and MJ was the one earning a decent salary. Then I got a job, but a few months later, I was unemployed again. So I started to feel guilty again. Then I got another job, but it was brutal. I started combining several jobs, MJ and I weren't happy because we could barely see each other. So again, I was feeling guilty, because I wasn't being a good wife. I wasn't making MJ happy, and I wasn't happy. So I quit my job, and became a SAHW and freelancer, working from home. And every day, I feel guilty, when I see MJ going to work. But now I don't care anymore. MJ's happy. I'm happy. I'm healthy again {when I was combining several jobs, I lost my periods due to all the stress and anxiety}. And MJ's thrilled with this new situation! So I try not to feel too guilty... haha
    {wow, that was a long comment}

  3. I like Sarah's comment. Let's go with that. :-)
    Very soon for you!!!

  4. I was pretty much going to say the same as Sarah. My niece is pregnant and diabetic, and I tell her all the time to just remember that everything she does to herself is affecting the baby in some way. EVERYTHING you are doing is for the baby too, and not just your own well being. Besides, the folks at work are probably happy to have the boss gone. Think of it like that. :-)


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