Thursday, September 13, 2012

"I'm not who I was"

The other day, I was thinking about high school. I try not to think about high school...not for any particular reason. I just don't want to be like that guy in Bruce Springstein's "Glory Days" living in the past. It's funny because I'm friends with a lot of people from my graduating class in high school on Facebook, and that's totally some of them. They still hang out in the same cliques. It's like time froze and they never moved on. Their prerogative I guess, but it still is funny. I'm not sure why I'm "Facebook friends" with these people. Maybe just to see what's going on in their lives. But honestly? I could care less about it. I didn't go to my 10 year high school reunion mostly for this reason. The people with whom I wanted to associate I still remained in contact with them. I had no desire to be fake and try to act like I was best buddies with people who didn't give me the time of day when I was a teenager. And it was $75 to attend. Why would I pay a substantial amount of money to hang out with people I don't really like?
But in my thinking of high school (because, like normal, I'm getting far off track here...), I had to laugh because I'm nowhere near the person I was back then. Honestly, I'm nowhere near the person I was in college either. I know that awhile back I wrote a post about how my younger self would have been shocked at my chosen profession, but it's more than that. I'm still not a person who has the highest self esteem in the world, but back then I really didn't have much. In fact, it was basically nonexistent. I was soft spoken. I didn't stand up for myself. I let people walk all over me, and I allowed myself to be treated poorly by people I considered to be "friends." Seriously, I had my fair share of drama in high school, and I walked away with just a handful of true "friends." I also apologized when it wasn't my fault. I blamed myself when it was someone else to blame. When someone wronged me or hurt me, I took the fall, I said I was sorry, I went to extremes so as to not lose that person. I'm not proud of how weak I was. But when I look back at who I was...I think "my God, how could I have been so weak?" I think of specific situations and how I compromised what I wanted or where I should have said "to hell with you" to someone, but I basically bended over backwards to keep that person in my life or to stop a conflict.
God, I really am rambling! Anyway, the point of this post...because, I swear, there is a that I'm not who I was. I'm not that shy, unaware girl, who let others treat her so poorly, who based her happiness on other's happiness, who molded herself into what others wanted her to be. Honestly, I'm not that girl who naively believed the good in everyone. Life has taught me that some people...well...some people just don't have good in them. I've learned to stand up for myself, for what I believe in and for what I want. Not what someone else wants me to have, do or want. I'm more independent, self-reliant. Some of these changes are for the good...some maybe not for the good. I do have my days where I wish I could go back to that naive point of view. I wish I could believe everyone had good in them. But for the most part, the changes that have occurred inside me are for the good.  I feel stronger, more sure of myself, able to stand on my own two feet and not rely solely on someone else's happiness for my own. 
A lot of things pushed me in that direction, but truly it was T who helped me.  I was on my way to finding who I was, but when I met him, he gave me that extra push in forgiving myself and letting all of the weight of the past go.  Now all of that seems like a distant memory.  Not all bad, not all good, but it isn't who I am now.  I've forgiven all of those people who hurt me, and actually, none of that bothers me so much any more.  In the end, it doesn't matter, does it?  I look forward, not behind me.  I'm pretty happy with where I am and the person I've become.  I still push myself to grow every day and change for the better, which is always a good thing, right?
I'm not sure what brought on this rambling post here.  It's just been something on my mind.  And yesterday, I heard this song on Pandora as I was working, and it made me think.  I really like this song, and you know when you hear those songs on the radio with which you can completely identify?  This is definitely one of them. 
I'll be back tomorrow with a spin cycle!  Have a great Thursday, everyone!


  1. I think back to high school and I'm so not that person any more.
    If your lucky you can grow up beyond the teenager you were and become the adult you are.
    I skipped both my 10 and 20 year reunions. I really have nothing in common with those people except we graduated from the same school. I more than that now.

  2. Stands and applauds those first two paragraphs! I guess one of the benefits of being an "outsider" is that you get to grow without that "same old crowd was like a cold dark cloud" getting in the way. Make your own destiny, have no excuses. I see so many of the old partiers who got the DUIs after high school have kids now doing the same... or worse, like holding up the local gas station or B&Es for somebody's old stereo. Nice song, too.

  3. I guess I'm anomaly because I loved high school. I also liked who I was. I mean sure there are things I look bak on and oh Gawd seriously?!! But I had a great time and great friends. I am friends with some of the people i hung out in high school with but we definiteky arent still living inthe past! Maybe it's because I grew up in a small farm town? I don't know where I got it from but I had a lot of confidence. I often credit my mom for this. She was a teen mom when she had me and a wallflower. I remember not connectin with my mom as a young woman. I was going to be independent and speak my mind. If you didn't like it oh well. My mom however always but her tongue and often did what she felt was expected instead of what she wanted. She is soooo not that person and has found her own voice. We are best friends now and I feel bad looking back sometimes. I have learned to bite my tongue bc sometimes the argument sure to follow me opening my mouth just isn't worth it.
    Now I'm rambling! Anyway I'm so glad you found your voice. I am glad you found your place in this world and confidence in your self. I have no doubt that you will raise a string confident daughter!

  4. I hated high school. I'm not who I was though sometimes I wish I was a bit more like the teenage Lily, because she could truly let most things roll off her back and now I take things a bit more to heart. But I definitely don't have as much drama as I did then. And I do not hang out with the people I went to school with. Gee, I wonder if there is a connection? Ha!!

    Be glad for your growth..and you really aren't missing anything by not going to your reunions. I haven't been to any of mine for the same reasons you gave. ;)

    You're doing a great job.



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