Lately, I've been beating myself up over my capabilities as a mom. I know that each baby is different, and I know that I can only do the best I can...but yet, I still feel like a failure occasionally. I compare myself to other moms in the blogosphere, as well as on Facebook, and I think "Man, am I doing enough?"
For instance, crawling. Our doctor has sworn up and down to us that crawling isn't necessarily a milestone and that some babies go straight from scooting to walking. And Aubrey does get around...she seems to scoot herself from place to place. But crawling? No way. The daycare teachers have talked to us about it, and they want us to work on this with her at home when we can. Force her to support herself on her hands and knees, despite how much she fusses and fights us. But the thing is, we get home from work after a 45 minute commute just in time for dinner and then bed time. There's hardly enough time to fit that in, too. The daycare teacher told T when I was out of town that Aubrey seems to get frustrated that she 1) can't pull herself up like the other babies and 2) can't follow the other babies her age when they crawl around. She wants to crawl. I can tell by how she moves around, but she can't. And I see her get frustrated, and it just breaks my heart. Monday, for example, I sat her down on the floor next to one of the other babies in daycare when we dropped her off, a baby who is a whole month younger than Aubrey. And off that little baby goes crawling. I just wanted to cry.
Aubrey is a smart cookie, though. She constantly amazes me at how she figures things out, but with this physical stuff, she just struggles. And even at nine months, I hate watching her just get so frustrated with herself. Did I not do enough tummy time? Maybe I shouldn't work as much as I do and be home with her more often.
I see other moms on Facebook posting these adorable holiday pictures with their babies in their beautiful dresses. Should I be doing this, too? I have her dress, but should I be posing her in front of the tree all cute and putting these pictures up on Facebook? Shouldn't I be taking her to Target to get Christmas portraits?
And the moms out there who post pictures of all the fun stuff they do with their kiddos on the weekends. I don't take Aubrey to museums or the zoo. We take her when we run errands, and it seems like we're constantly doing something but it's not really child-friendly stuff. It's stuff we have to get done. Suck.
And I feel so bad about leaving her for those three days when I was in Washington, D.C. She now has major separation anxiety and won't let me out of her sight. If I'm not there when T picks her up from daycare or if I'm not at the house when she comes home, she gets sad, looking around for Mommy. With obligations I have, I can't always be at her side 24-7, but I feel like she's worried I'll abandon her again. I didn't mean to in the first place. I would have much rather have been home with her during that time.
So today, as I write this (on Monday, of course), I feel like a failure. I know all moms have these moments, but I'm definitely have a moment of inadequacy. I just feel like I should be doing more or that I'm letting her down.