Everyone has their own faults. No one is without them. But me...sometimes I feel like a huge part of who I am is a fault. That sounds harsh as I write this, but it's something that has been weighing on my mind lately. My faults.
When T and I first started dating, and I slowly started to get to know him, I saw how organized and put together he was. Seriously, this guy had his shit together. Almost to an anal retentive level, but it was something that made me jealous. Organization. With me, I am the epitome of disorganization. Everything is a cluttered mess. My house is clean, don't get me wrong. When you walk into our house, it's pretty clear of clutter, but it's not the house per se. It's things like my purse, my dresser drawers, my car, my office, my desk at home...there's just no rhyme or reason. It's not for trying either. I'll get something cleaned out and all organized, I'll be all proud and then a week later, it's back to the clutter and disorganization.
Aubrey's dresser is the same way. I try to fold them neatly but they always seem to get messed up when I pick outfits out for her. Our linen closet, our pantry, etc. T will complain, I'll feel bad and organize it. But then I can't keep it that way. It's not I purposefully do it. It's just how I am. I think it's a lack of being careful. I'm klutzy, I do things quickly so that it is done but not necessarily don't perfectly. But I feel just awful about it sometimes.
I always say "Okay, I'm dedicating time for this," but the tasks are huge and many. And the time is limited. But I add them to my "to do list" and there they stay.
They say opposites attract, but I have to admit that I do worry about how much it gets to T. He would shake his head and tell me I'm wrong if I say this, but I feel like a disappointment at times. He took me for who I am, for better or for worse, but what if the "for worse" are the things that feel like dominate? I brought debt into the marriage, I can't organize to save my life, and my money skills are limited at best. I just feel like I fail.
I don't mean to be a downer, and really, this is me being about as open and honest as humanly possible. I guess that's the whole point of having your own blog. It's what you do with those honest thoughts that matters. Perhaps this is a new years resolution that needs to be made. Perhaps I need to hire one of those personal organizers. Or take it one thing at a time. Who knows?
But for now, that's what I see. Inadequacies.