Thursday, May 16, 2013

Telling my story

So for those of you who have been with me from the very beginning waaaaay back in May 2010, you'll remember that I began this blog as an effort to get back into writing, as a jump into writing a novel.  Shortly after I started writing this blog, I began working on a novel.  The book was based on true stories, a series of events I went through, mistakes made, etc., before I met T.  I got fairly far along, and I even joined a critique group with some amazing writers to keep myself accountable.  But...then I switched jobs.  And I lost the time to focus on it.  And then I got pregnant, and finding time for anything during a high risk pregnancy became difficult.  So somewhere along the way, I haven't even looked at the file in well over a year. 

I see that many of you out there do the same thing - you start writing but then lose your drive somewhere along the way.  I know many of you then pick up where you stopped and finished the book.  I have the utmost admiration for you who do that.  Pushing yourself through writer's block, making time for a project you are dying to finish, I truly admire that.  I know, I have a one year old so it's completely understandable that I don't have the time, but then I know other writers, such as Julie Lindsey and Steph Campbell (both from my critique group, btw) who have more than one kid and pump these puppies out, amazing books, amazing writers, and I wonder how they do it on top of everything else.  It blows my mind. 

That same year when I started writing my blog, I also went through a retreat at my church.  I was a participant at first, and then after my retreat, I chose to continue on to plan and give the next retreat for the next group of women who were seeking more, wanting some spiritual guidance.  Part of that retreat process was to give my own "witness."  This witness was basically me telling my story - the good, bad and ugly.  It was hard to write, and a lot of it was based on events I wrote in my book, things it took all I had in me to vocalize, let alone put on paper.  I did it (crying through most of it, of course), but I gave my story.  It was hard but yet liberating at the same time.  Many of these things I vocalized I have never told anyone, aside from T, and I intend to keep it that way.   These confessions were things I was worried when I first met T would cause him to say "yeah, this is too much."  But it didn't.  Shortly before we were married, I went to confession at church, more as a way of forgiving myself than seeking forgiveness.  And I burned that witness in our fire pit.  I let it go.  None of it mattered because it was all past, and I was beginning my future.

Time has passed.  Like I said, I haven't looked at the book file in forever.  So much has changed.  I'm married, in a completely different place, a mother, my focus on what is important has changed.  All of that drama, all of that crap I don't even find important at all.  Those things that at one point were so important, were so traumatic for me, those stupid decisions I made...none of that even is a blip on the radar.  Sure, it crosses my mind, and sure I have moments where I still can't forget.  It is a part of who I was.  But I'm not who I was. 

I wanted to write that book as a way to let it go, to tell my story and vocalize what I couldn't for so long.  But the thing is, I have.  I could open that file and finish my story, but it was hard enough that first time around to write down events that happened.  I kind of relived certain things I didn't want to relive.  And honestly, I don't want to do that again, and I don't see the point of it.  I don't have the desire to finish what I started.  I just don't have the drive to do that.  It doesn't seem important anymore. 

Do I want to write still?  Hell yes, I do.  My dream job, my ideal world, is for us to have enough money for me to practice law part time, doing wills and basic transactional legal stuff, and to write.  I would love to have the time and freedom to do that.  Honestly, as I get older, with my heart condition, I see backing off what I do as a necessity.  Essentially I've been told by doctors I can't keep up my lifestyle, the stress that comes along with being a litigation attorney and director.  Not for my health and the good of my family.  And my passion, what I want, deep down more than anything, is to write.  For right now, I can't.  I have to work full-time, I have loans to pay off and expenses towards which to contribute. 

I would love to find the time to get back into writing.  For that reason, I have been inspired by Gretchen at Second Blooming to challenge myself in the month of June to write a post a day.  It'll be hard, but I want to do it.  So...I need ideas.  If you have any, please leave them in comments.  I'm keeping a notebook with me to write them down as I go along. 

Do I have a story to tell?  Yes.  Is it the one I thought was important back in 2010?  No, not in the slightest.  I've let that go.  And I have to say it's a great feeling.

Plug:  And in an effort to increase readership and this blog's potential, I've joined a variety of networking sites including BlogHer and "I'm on the fence."  Click on the icon to your right each time you stop by, and you submit a vote for my blog.  The more votes I get, the more visibility (yay!).  Also, if you don't already, follow me on twitter @viewfromnain!

1 comment:

  1. Amazing how quickly we transition from one lifetime to the next. And how little comes along for the journey. May all your changes be forward ones (except the diaper changes).


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