Convincing myself

(Side note: About to get personal.  I'm going to try my best to be vague personal, but this is personal.  And I've debated sharing this on my blog because I haven't shared it with many.  But it's hard to not write about something when it is preoccupying your mind.)

 

At the beginning of the year, T and I made an agreement with God - no big things were to happen in 2013.  The biggest thing?  Maybe painting a room.  Or something minor like that.  So far....that hasn't exactly happened.  Not cool, not cool.  Maybe 2014 is our year. 

 

 

At the beginning of the year, I made an agreement with God as well.  No major medical issues this year.  I've had my share, so let's just skip this year and move onto the next.  I thought we were doing pretty damn well, too.  I mean, I lost 30 lbs, dropped my blood pressure, got the "good job" from the cardiologist...it's August so I mean, we're well over halfway through the year.  Then this happened....

 

 

I was playing on the floor with Aubrey last week.  She has this new weird thing where she says "down" and likes T and I to lie face down on the floor and she plays drums on and crawls all over our backs.  So we were playing on the floor like normal and having fun. 

 

 

And I felt something.  Something hard. 

 

 

I sat up, thinking I was on top of one of Aubrey's toys, except I wasn't. 

 

 

I laid back down.  Yep, it still was there.

 

 

It's a lump.  I've had it checked out by the doctor, and she seems to think it isn't the C-word, but there is a mass. 

 

 

And it's been all I can think about. 

 

 

I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Tuesday so just see what it is.  It could be a cyst (different c word and one that I'm a little better with), or it could be traumatized tissue...from rough-housing with Aubrey most likely.  But it's about 1 centimeter in size, and it's something.  So we just need to see. 

 

 

I'm trying to act like it's nothing.  I'm trying to say I don't care.  I even keep saying "we don't need to go do this," to which T responds "yes, we do."  But I don't wanna.  I thought we had an agreement.  I thought we agreed (by me, I mean me and the big man) that we're clear of medical drama this year.  Dammit. 

 

 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared.  My maternal grandma had breast cancer, and she has a mastectomy.  So there is a family history.  But that doesn't mean anything.

 

 

No reason to be worried. 

 

 

It's nothing, though.  It's nothing.  I'm sure of it.