(Side note: About to get personal. I'm going to try my best to be vague personal, but this is personal. And I've debated sharing this on my blog because I haven't shared it with many. But it's hard to not write about something when it is preoccupying your mind.)
At the beginning of the year, T and I made an agreement with God - no big things were to happen in 2013. The biggest thing? Maybe painting a room. Or something minor like that. So far....that hasn't exactly happened. Not cool, not cool. Maybe 2014 is our year.
At the beginning of the year, I made an agreement with God as well. No major medical issues this year. I've had my share, so let's just skip this year and move onto the next. I thought we were doing pretty damn well, too. I mean, I lost 30 lbs, dropped my blood pressure, got the "good job" from the cardiologist...it's August so I mean, we're well over halfway through the year. Then this happened....
I was playing on the floor with Aubrey last week. She has this new weird thing where she says "down" and likes T and I to lie face down on the floor and she plays drums on and crawls all over our backs. So we were playing on the floor like normal and having fun.
And I felt something. Something hard.
I sat up, thinking I was on top of one of Aubrey's toys, except I wasn't.
I laid back down. Yep, it still was there.
It's a lump. I've had it checked out by the doctor, and she seems to think it isn't the C-word, but there is a mass.
And it's been all I can think about.
I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Tuesday so just see what it is. It could be a cyst (different c word and one that I'm a little better with), or it could be traumatized tissue...from rough-housing with Aubrey most likely. But it's about 1 centimeter in size, and it's something. So we just need to see.
I'm trying to act like it's nothing. I'm trying to say I don't care. I even keep saying "we don't need to go do this," to which T responds "yes, we do." But I don't wanna. I thought we had an agreement. I thought we agreed (by me, I mean me and the big man) that we're clear of medical drama this year. Dammit.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. My maternal grandma had breast cancer, and she has a mastectomy. So there is a family history. But that doesn't mean anything.
No reason to be worried.
It's nothing, though. It's nothing. I'm sure of it.