Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Convincing myself

(Side note: About to get personal.  I'm going to try my best to be vague personal, but this is personal.  And I've debated sharing this on my blog because I haven't shared it with many.  But it's hard to not write about something when it is preoccupying your mind.)
At the beginning of the year, T and I made an agreement with God - no big things were to happen in 2013.  The biggest thing?  Maybe painting a room.  Or something minor like that.  So far....that hasn't exactly happened.  Not cool, not cool.  Maybe 2014 is our year. 
At the beginning of the year, I made an agreement with God as well.  No major medical issues this year.  I've had my share, so let's just skip this year and move onto the next.  I thought we were doing pretty damn well, too.  I mean, I lost 30 lbs, dropped my blood pressure, got the "good job" from the's August so I mean, we're well over halfway through the year.  Then this happened....
I was playing on the floor with Aubrey last week.  She has this new weird thing where she says "down" and likes T and I to lie face down on the floor and she plays drums on and crawls all over our backs.  So we were playing on the floor like normal and having fun. 
And I felt something.  Something hard. 
I sat up, thinking I was on top of one of Aubrey's toys, except I wasn't. 
I laid back down.  Yep, it still was there.
It's a lump.  I've had it checked out by the doctor, and she seems to think it isn't the C-word, but there is a mass. 
And it's been all I can think about. 
I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Tuesday so just see what it is.  It could be a cyst (different c word and one that I'm a little better with), or it could be traumatized tissue...from rough-housing with Aubrey most likely.  But it's about 1 centimeter in size, and it's something.  So we just need to see. 
I'm trying to act like it's nothing.  I'm trying to say I don't care.  I even keep saying "we don't need to go do this," to which T responds "yes, we do."  But I don't wanna.  I thought we had an agreement.  I thought we agreed (by me, I mean me and the big man) that we're clear of medical drama this year.  Dammit. 
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared.  My maternal grandma had breast cancer, and she has a mastectomy.  So there is a family history.  But that doesn't mean anything.
No reason to be worried. 
It's nothing, though.  It's nothing.  I'm sure of it. 


  1. It is so scary when we find those "things" where they shouldn't be. While you made a deal with God, sometimes that deal is, "let's walk through this together." We don't know why that becomes the deal and I don't have an easy answer. Please know that you're life is an inspiration to others, we watch you and what you've gone through and said, "she has shown me how to do this thing that I am going through."

    I am praying for you. Praying that you do not have to walk the road your grandmother walked. Praying that it is just one of those things our bodies do. I am also praying that you will feel peace that you cannot understand.

    Thank you for sharing.
    Lily-thinking thoughts

  2. Nothing is scarier. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope for a non scary outcome.

  3. GO CYST! Anyway, praying as always. You might want to find the witch doctor whose been putting the needles in the little "Nain" doll, though.

  4. I totally have you in my thoughts, Nain. <3

  5. I'm kind of hoping it came about from Aubrey using you as a drum. :) But seriously, I would be scared and wouldn't want to go either. Unfortunately, T is right that you have to so you better listen to him! (Actually, you technically don't have to, but that's not going to make anything better! <-- That's for the lawyer in you!) :) How did this deal with the Big Guy go down anyway? I keep hearing we're supposed to ask what He wants of us. ;) I also keep hearing that he'll only allow bad things to happen to us if they'll bring us closer to Him... I will be praying for you - lots!! Love you!!!

  6. That would be on my mind like crazy too! Try and not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will take care of itself, each day has enough worry of it's own. Until you KNOW it is a problem, don't let fear rob you off your today. My son had many medical problems as a baby and these thoughts helpped me through. I pray it is nothin serious and thanks for sharing :) Peace and Keep the Balance!


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