The joys of lactose intolerance

One of the banes of my existence is the fact that I have lactose intolerance. It took me years to figure out that I did, mostly because as a kid, my parents didn’t believe me when I said milk made me sick and my doctor never diagnosed said condition, but…that’s besides the point. As soon as I was in high school and college, I put two and two together and life hasn’t been the same ever since.

Yes, there are much worse things that one can be afflicted with, and this is small in comparison to my heart condition, but it’s still a major pain.

I hate having to tell people what exactly happens with lactose intolerance, but suffice it to say it’s not pleasant. Poor T didn’t know what he was getting himself into until I got really sick this last Valentine’s Day when I made him this special dinner with heavy cream, and despite taking my Lactaid I was in such pain and couldn’t sit up straight for 24 hours that I had to call in sick to work. It was awful. So now he knows what he gets to deal with for the rest of his life, lucky man.

When I was a kid, they didn’t have the medicine they have now, like Lactaid, to help you digest dairy. Yes, they had nondairy alternatives to food. For instance, when we would get ice cream, I’d always get sherbet because it didn’t make me sick, but I never really realized that hey, this is because I can’t stomach milk! My parents would try anything they could to get me to drink milk. They would get chocolate syrup and make me sit at the table until I finished my chocolate milk. (I know, child abuse, I’ve already told my parents that if the statute of limitations hadn’t run on this, I’d totally pursue it…) Since I wasn’t getting calcium they had to resort to other means of getting that. I couldn’t swallow those horse pills they give you for calcium supplements, though I take them now, and the chewable ones tasted like chalk so they had to give me calcium at any chance they could. Did you know that Rolaids has calcium? And Tums? Guess how I know how I know this? Oh, because this was what I had to take every morning to get my calcium. Yuck. I still can’t stand the stuff. But my stomach acid had to have been great as a child, right?

Now I’m used to having lactose intolerance, but it’s still a pain. I love pizza, and I can eat it but only with Lactaid (take two pills before eating). I get frozen yogurt and sherbet only. I use dairy free creamer with my coffee. I eat yogurt cheese with my sandwiches at lunch. It’s truly a pain. Where it has particularly become annoying has been with wedding planning. One thing I’m adamant about with our menu is that the menu needs to be milk free. No way am I going to have any stomach “issues” the day of my wedding, not while I’m in that huge white dress. We’ve done pretty well so far, except for the cake. The cake is made with cream. So…that means I have to take Lactaid before eating the cake. So I’m trying to envision how this is supposed to play out. Is T supposed to feed me the Lactaid and then feed me my first bite of cake? Or could he just stick the pill in the cake and I take it together? Either way, doesn’t it sound romantic?

I only hope that once we have children, I don’t pass this onto my children. I want them to know the joy of dairy and not be forced to chew Rolaids and dip your Oreos in Iced Tea as a child just because you can’t handle the milk.  Because, come on, that just isn't the same...