Thursday, April 21, 2011

Where's that line?

I'm going to talk about a little bit of a controversial topic, not politics.  Nope, not religion.  Or Charlie Sheen (though I could say a lot about that one).  No - dating.  And cheating.  See, something has been on my mind lately, as someone I love is going through this and I have in the past.  What constitutes cheating? 

The conundrum:  If your significant other creates an online dating profile while you are still with that person, does that constitute cheating? 

Some would argue that no, it doesn't cross that line.  It's like going to a bar and seeing what's out there but not picking anyone up.  Looking but not touching.  But that's where I tend to disagree...

I found myself in a similar situation in a relationship before I met Tim.  I discovered that my current boyfriend at the time was trolling for girls on for months.  When confronted with the situation, I was told that he didn't consider it cheating and that he was just bored one night and looked around.  Of course, I found an email from someone who was just around at the time he happened to be "bored" so...that was icing on the cake, but to me, that was considered cheating.

Flash forward to my friend's current situation...she was in a relationship with this guy.  Guy broke up with her.  She does what many of us do (I, too, am guilty of this) and does an Internet search of said guy to see whether he was up to any funny business (you know, self torture?), and what do you know?  He's been on an online dating site!  And recently, too!  Said friend is crushed and feels betrayed, and I feel rightfully so. 

It seems to me that this is a more and more common occurrence.  Now I have told all of you how I met T, and it was an online dating site called  Having come directly from a relationship where the person cheated on me by "online dating," I was hesitant.  I feared for the longest time that he would still be online looking, seeing if there was something better out there.  Of course, my fears were unfounded, but it's truly sad how many people do continue to "look" even though they are in a relationship.  So is that cheating? 

It's kind of scary if you think about it - when you go on an online dating site, most people are really looking to find a relationship.  And if there are people out there just looking to find someone else besides their significant other, how horrible is that for a) the significant other of that person and b) the person who thinks they just found Mr. or Mrs. Right?  Who can you trust? 

To me, the second your mind strays from being loyal in any way and you start actively looking for something else, that is cheating.  When I'm with someone - that's it.  I don't even flinch at another guy.    The thought never crosses my mind.  So I find it incomprehensible personally, but I don't want to judge.  But to me, even if you never "act" (meaning, meet the person or do anything with them), it's still cheating.  It's definitely emotional cheating, in my mind.  But I know there are some people out there who would disagree.  So I put it out to you my blog friends - what are your thoughts?  Cheating or not cheating?  And is emotional cheating as bad as the act of physically cheating?



  1. For me that's cheating!!!
    I would feel so betrayed!!!

  2. Here's what I told MB as we talked about this one night, as soon as he does something he doesn't want me to know or thinks will hurt me, that's the line. He and I both agree on that.

  3. There are boundaries in relationships. This is one that has been crossed. So, yes, in my mind this is cheating. This happened to me as well. I think it's more common than we think and will become a bigger issue as Facebook and other social sites continue to grow.

    If it bothers you (you know what I’m talking about…that uncomfortable feeling in your gut that you can't shake), then the loser isn't the right one for you (or worthy enough). Cut ties. Move on and find the one who thinks of you as amazing. Why would you settle for anything less?

  4. you know my stand on this. Definitely cheating!

  5. Emotional cheating is still cheating in my book. And same with the "looking but not touching." Not cool!

  6. I was on an online dating site for a couple months before I met Matt. I told him that I had been on the site, and when we became "official," I deleted my profile. I'm like you, when I meet someone, that's it.
    On the other hand, I've known people who have definitely cheated on their girlfriends and some of them are still together, and (hopefully) the cheating doesn't happen anymore. So, is there a difference between cheating and a moment of weakness?

  7. I didn't knwo you and T met on-line! Karl and me too! How fun!

    I agree it's cheating. I don't of people that are on-line just to peruse. It may not be physical but I belive in emtional cheating. Poor friend!

  8. I like what Bink said, once you do something that you don't want the other one to know about you have crossed a line that is not healthy for a relationship! Anything done secretly is not healthy for a relationship(this does not include birthday/anniversary/etc. surprises that are always great!).

    Whether you or your significant other is looking at an actual dating site or a "look at me site" like "hot or not" I believe it is cheating.

    I'm sorry your friend is facing this situation. And as easy as it is for me to say this, she's better off without him, I know that her heart is broken in a million pieces.

    I'll keep her in my prayers as she walks through the healing path.

    Back to the topic at hand, I think it is as bad as physical cheating. Once trust is broken, it doesn't matter how it got broken. it is broken and it is nearly impossible to get back!

    So yeah I am in full agreement with you. Good post!

  9. I wholeheartedly agree, and I think emotional cheating is just as bad, and sometimes worse, than physical.

    Michael and I agree with Bink, if there is ever anything either one of us does anything we don't want the other to know about, and worry it would hurt them, it's too far.

    Also, I think it's important for both of us to have access to each others online sites like facebook, and we definitely think it's important to keep open communication with each other about such things


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