Half-pint update!
Yesterday, T and I spent the entire afternoon at the doctor getting a series of tests done and having my bi-weekly doctor's visit. It was an exhausting afternoon, and one that left me feeling apprehensive for sure. And that other feeling...what's the word I use a lot lately? Oh, scared. Right, that's it.
So because of my high risk pregnancy, I have to go to weekly nonstress tests (NSTs) where they hook up monitors to my belly and measure the baby's heart rate. They want to see how much she moves around and if her heart rate goes up every time she moves around and kicks. It's a 20 minute thing, but if she didn't do much in terms of activity, I'd be there for an hour test. Well, she must be an overachiever because she was moving around like a crazy woman in there. You could see my stomach just move around from side to side and her kicks were pretty hard ones, too. She passed that test with flying colors. We weren't sure exactly what the purpose was of that test, but we'll explain later....
Second, we had to go to our monthly ultrasound to monitor her growth. Because of my congenital heart defect, we had a chance of her being a small baby due to lack of blood flow. Well....she's not small, that's for sure. A month ago she was 2 lb 12 oz. This last visit? She was weighing in at 4 lbs 14 oz. And I'm only 32 weeks. She's a big girl. We got to see her sucking her thumb in there, which was pretty much the cutest thing ever. But seriously, once I saw that weight, I was in shock. All I could think about. We asked, and we were told she was measuring in the 95th percentile for growth. Yikes.
See, I'm a 5'1" girl. Small. Not much to me. And well, my stomach is big as it is with her, and apparently it's all baby. I have ambitions of working until the very last possible moment, which would be 39 weeks when we schedule the c-section. It's a desk job, so I figured I can do it. Well...we'll see...
So we saw the doctor next, and he made the same statement that was made to me by the ultrasound tech: we have a big baby. I've passed the gestational diabetes tests, and he couldn't find any unhealthy reason for it other than that we just happen to have a big baby. It's a good thing, don't get me wrong, but it also has bad sides to it, too. He said her size, accompanied with the other risk factors that I have - a heart defect and high blood pressure, puts the baby at risk in the womb. I pressed him on this, and I could tell he didn't really want to say what the risk was but he eventually said it increases the risks of her being still-born. And with that, my heart sank. I thought for sure we were out of the woods with the risk of her not surviving. I didn't even consider this as a possibility. It's a small risk, but my three risk factors do increase it. So we do the NSTs every week and eventually twice a week to make sure she's happy, heart rate good, getting enough oxygen,, etc. If I had to go daily, I would go, just to make sure she's fine. There's also a risk that she could be born earlier than 39 weeks because of her size. So...I have to be watched. Like a hawk. And I have to really really take it easy, which means I need to really evaluate how much I work, when I go into the office, when I work from home, etc.
I walked out of that appointment overwhelmed and a little defeated, I'm not going to lie. I know that when we decided to start trying for a baby, we'd be taking a risk. But as we get closer and closer to the finish line, and as things get more serious and more serious, I start to wonder if I'm being selfish. I wanted a baby more than anything, but here I am putting my health at risk and her health at risk. I don't want anything to happen to her, and part of me feels like it's my fault that there even is that possibility. I know it's crazy to think that, but....I do. And I am putting my family and T through so much with all of this. I know T's scared. It's not really fair to him either. So that's really the point I'm at for the moment.
I just want her to be a healthy and happy baby. And I just want to provide her that kind of safety. I just don't want to drop the ball before she's even here.
So because of my high risk pregnancy, I have to go to weekly nonstress tests (NSTs) where they hook up monitors to my belly and measure the baby's heart rate. They want to see how much she moves around and if her heart rate goes up every time she moves around and kicks. It's a 20 minute thing, but if she didn't do much in terms of activity, I'd be there for an hour test. Well, she must be an overachiever because she was moving around like a crazy woman in there. You could see my stomach just move around from side to side and her kicks were pretty hard ones, too. She passed that test with flying colors. We weren't sure exactly what the purpose was of that test, but we'll explain later....
Second, we had to go to our monthly ultrasound to monitor her growth. Because of my congenital heart defect, we had a chance of her being a small baby due to lack of blood flow. Well....she's not small, that's for sure. A month ago she was 2 lb 12 oz. This last visit? She was weighing in at 4 lbs 14 oz. And I'm only 32 weeks. She's a big girl. We got to see her sucking her thumb in there, which was pretty much the cutest thing ever. But seriously, once I saw that weight, I was in shock. All I could think about. We asked, and we were told she was measuring in the 95th percentile for growth. Yikes.
See, I'm a 5'1" girl. Small. Not much to me. And well, my stomach is big as it is with her, and apparently it's all baby. I have ambitions of working until the very last possible moment, which would be 39 weeks when we schedule the c-section. It's a desk job, so I figured I can do it. Well...we'll see...
So we saw the doctor next, and he made the same statement that was made to me by the ultrasound tech: we have a big baby. I've passed the gestational diabetes tests, and he couldn't find any unhealthy reason for it other than that we just happen to have a big baby. It's a good thing, don't get me wrong, but it also has bad sides to it, too. He said her size, accompanied with the other risk factors that I have - a heart defect and high blood pressure, puts the baby at risk in the womb. I pressed him on this, and I could tell he didn't really want to say what the risk was but he eventually said it increases the risks of her being still-born. And with that, my heart sank. I thought for sure we were out of the woods with the risk of her not surviving. I didn't even consider this as a possibility. It's a small risk, but my three risk factors do increase it. So we do the NSTs every week and eventually twice a week to make sure she's happy, heart rate good, getting enough oxygen,, etc. If I had to go daily, I would go, just to make sure she's fine. There's also a risk that she could be born earlier than 39 weeks because of her size. So...I have to be watched. Like a hawk. And I have to really really take it easy, which means I need to really evaluate how much I work, when I go into the office, when I work from home, etc.
I walked out of that appointment overwhelmed and a little defeated, I'm not going to lie. I know that when we decided to start trying for a baby, we'd be taking a risk. But as we get closer and closer to the finish line, and as things get more serious and more serious, I start to wonder if I'm being selfish. I wanted a baby more than anything, but here I am putting my health at risk and her health at risk. I don't want anything to happen to her, and part of me feels like it's my fault that there even is that possibility. I know it's crazy to think that, but....I do. And I am putting my family and T through so much with all of this. I know T's scared. It's not really fair to him either. So that's really the point I'm at for the moment.
I just want her to be a healthy and happy baby. And I just want to provide her that kind of safety. I just don't want to drop the ball before she's even here.
Is it possible that she is the size she is because you're further along than they guesstimated?
ReplyDeleteI know you're scared, not without cause. I wish I had words to say to help you calm your fears but I can tell you that I am praying for you and half-pint. I've been praying for your husband and even your mama.
I appreciate that you keep us updated, so I know more specifically how to pray for you.
BTW, wanting a baby is natural, not selfish. Your little half-pint is the love you and T have for one another, made flesh.
♥
I'm thinking the same thing as Lillian. She could just be more ready than everyone thinks she is. Either way, I'm hoping for a smooth last 2 months and for everyone to be healthy.
ReplyDeleteJust remember, as she gets bigger, she won't have the room to move around so much. It 's not always a bad thing. Think happy thoughts!
ReplyDelete