Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Self worth

Life doesn't stop just because you are pregnant.  I've learned that much.  With my hypertension and risks with my pregnancy, though, sometimes I wish it would.  But....no such luck. 

This week I got some new drama introduced into my life, drama I won't go into, and no, it has absolutely nothing to do with the baby.  She's doing just fine.  It's just something from my past.  And it threw me for a loop.  Upon T's suggestion, I decided to speak with one of my close friends from church, a lady with whom I share a great deal in common and someone who is a good listener and confidante.  It was nice to let out the angst about this situation and see what her thoughts were and what she recommended I do. 

Throughout the course of the conversation, we talked about how our pasts can't control our present or future and who we are and what we have overcome.  We talked about giving yourself credit for what you have accomplished and how far you've come.  And while talking about this, we fell upon the topic of self esteem. 

See, I am totally not one who has a particularly high self esteem.  There are a lot of reasons behind that, reasons I will not go into and blame I will not direct, but I'm just not a confident person.  It's funny because in my professional life, I can portray that I do have confidence.  But inside, I question just about everything I do.  It drives T nuts.   I can't blame him, honestly.  And it's something I always work on.  She made the statement to me that I should give myself credit for the strength that I do have.  She then made an observation that was 100 percent true:  that I don't always believe in myself or give myself the credit where the credit is due.  

She also made a statement that I had never thought about before, but one I really should give some consideration.  Not believing in myself, while a bad thing, is one thing when it's just me.  But soon I will have a little one learning everything she knows from me (and T, too), but she'll be taking her cues on what kind of woman she will become based on the kind of woman her mommy is.  Those cues will help her in future relationships, future interactions, basically everything that makes her who she is.  What do I want her to learn from me?  To constantly doubt herself?  To say "sure, I can do it, but I probably should have done it better or maybe it wasn't good enough?"  I certainly don't want that. 

That question has stuck with me since she asked it.  Not in a bad way.  It's something I should definitely change.  I want my little girl to grow up to be strong, confident and independent.  While I realize I can't control what mistakes or hardships she'll go through in life, I certainly want to provide her with the tools needed so that she'll be strong enough to face them head on.  I don't want my daughter to think that having a poor self image or a bad self esteem is okay.  Because it certainly is not.  And I need to figure this out soon because, despite the fact she cannot speak or fully comprehend what's going around her, this teaching starts from Day 1.  And Day 1 isn't that far away. 

I'm taking this quote from a blog I've recently discovered:  Mark and Angel Hack Life.  I think maybe this is something I need to constantly remind myself as I do face this new and unwanted drama:  We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

And I need to have confidence in that.  I am not my mistakes, I am not the bad decisions I made in my past.  I am who I am because of how I have adapted because of those bumps in the road.  And those have made me stronger.  And to my little girl, I want to be the strong role model she needs so that she can grow up with that kind of confidence, too. 

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