Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Pass on this one

So this past weekend, I was giving a friend of mine love advice, which is actually humorous because my love experience is something short of a Lifetime movie or at least mini-series, but she asked for my advice.  So I gave it.  The dilemma?  Dating a guy who was really into his dog, compared his dog to her kid and put the dog first.  And that brought me back to a relationship I had not too long before I met T when I had the same problem.  So that got me thinking...I need to write a list of advice.  Someday I'll pass this along to Aubrey some day. 
So if you run into any of  Run in the other direction.  Because it's just bad news bears. 
And I write this in all good humor.  But none of the guys that I'm talking about here read this so it doesn't matter, but's all in good fun, in that I'm totally making fun of these individuals.  Whose names will not be given. 
Just say "I'll pass"
When you meet a guy at a restaurant for a date and the place is full so you decide to go somewhere else.  He chooses.  You have no idea where anything is because you don't live there.  He speeds off, expecting you to cut off traffic and follow him.  If you have that brief moment in time where you think "maybe I should just turn right and go home," then maybe you should go home.
If you during dinner, your date suggests getting a beer afterwards, and it's only 7:00, and you'd rather go home.
But you decide to not go home, you get a beer, and when you order yours after him, he looks at you and says "your beer choice emasculates me."  And is being serious.
Same date (yeah, this didn't go past first date) when the guy starts off a conversation with "when I was in high school and college, I was never popular, but now that I'm in law school, I hang with the popular crowd.  And by you hanging with me, you are, too."  (ooh!  Lucky me!)
When you meet a guy at a party, and he seems normal.  But then he pulls out a highlighter in a room with a black light and starts drawing all over his face. 
When a guy starts talking about how good of a catch he is and how good he is at first dates.  Actually when a guy just talks about himself a lot before you meet him. 
When a guy cries...not just in general, but when he cries after you tease him for thinking Puss in Boots in Shrek is cute and he makes some kind of cooing noise or "aww" when the stupid character comes on.  Yes, he cried.  And this was three months in. 
When a guy doesn't come visit you out of town and you come see him because of his dog. 
When you meet a guy and finally come to his place, and he has nothing but dog treats in the pantry.  Because he's 36 and eats dinner at his grandma's every freaking night.  And never grocery shops for himself for that very reason.
When your first date, the guy comes in jeans, a ratty t-shirt and a torn up baseball hat.  (sorry, I don't find it appealing...)
When that first date is at B-dubs and then Wal-Mart because he needed to get a plunger. 
When on your first date, the guy doesn't order you wine or dessert :-)  Actually just kidding...I gave him more than one date.  In fact, I promised my life to him.  And it was more than worth it.  And totally made all of the above not even worth it, but rather things that I have no choice but to laugh at from now on.  And words of wisdom for when my little girl decides to date someday, and I have to teacher to stay from the douches.  And idiots.  And guys that's probably best they just say single. 
I hope I was helpful to my friend.  And if any of these turn you on, I totally apologize. 

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