Nain vs. Nerves

It's no secret that I am, by nature, a very anxious person.  And we're not just talking a small worrier or someone who says "hey, man, that kind of concerns me a bit."  No, I'm an anxious person.  A very anxious person.  I worry like it's an Olympic sport.  You don't get tested for an ulcer at the wee young age of 10 years old, if you weren't born a naturally anxious person.  I also have high blood pressure.  That combination does NOT make it easy for me to keep calm in situations that are by their own nature anxiety producing.  (I.E. pregnancy) And, to make matters worse, with my congenital heart defect, I'm a high risk pregnancy.  So let's just crank that anxiety up just a bit more, right?  At the same time all I hear is "relax, you have to relax...that's how you keep your blood pressure down.  Just try not to worry so much."  That's like telling a smoker "just try not to think about smoking, it'll be okay," while you stand there right in front of their face puffing smoke repeatedly in their direction.  Perhaps not the best analogy, but...you get my point. 


I really am trying my best to keep my nerves at bay.  I really am.  I know that I'm doing all of this for her, and that for her health, I have to stay calm.  That keeps me motivated most of the time.   But I have to admit, as I get farther and farther along, that's getting harder and harder. 


I've known that my blood pressure will go up towards the end of my pregnancy.  I have also been told that the strain of pregnancy can put me at higher risk (though still a small percentage) of having my aorta rupture.  Hearing those words?  Not comforting, but...oh well.  I've seen the numbers creep up just a bit.  I feel my heart race from time to time from out of nowhere.  I'm aware that as I get farther along, the risk that Half-pint will make her appearance early is more possible.  And I'm not going to lie, folks...I'm scared. 


There, I said it.  I'm scared. 


I'm scared about the c-section.  I'm scared about how my heart will handle it.  I'm scared about little Half-pint.  I'm scared of the unknown and the things that could go wrong.  I'm scared that as these next few weeks go by, my body will be put under more and more strain and that it won't handle it as well as it should.  I'm just scared. 


Last night I tried to work on techniques of talking myself out of the worry and focusing on what matters.  My daughter.  My new family.  And while I do have those things in the forefront of my mind, I just want to know that it will all be okay.  I want that 100% satisfaction guarantee.  It's just  too bad that life doesn't always work out that way. 


Tonight, T and I will be venturing up to the north side to take a class on c-sections. The doctor recommended this so that I could be aware of what to expect in terms of prep, the surgery and recovery.  And dude, I am totally freaked out by this.  I know this is for the best and will make me avoid the Internet research I tried earlier in the pregnancy.  But I'm scared.  And I have no doubt I will be gripping T's hand during the whole thing. 


Someone the other day said to just give it to God.  I struggle with this concept so much because, honestly, to me it doesn't ever seem that easy.  I can say I will give it to Him, but will that make me stop worrying?  How exactly does one go about that? 


So here I am...venting to all of you and rambling on and on, trying to find a point to stop this blog post.  So I'll just stop it with this.  I'm scared.  That is all. 


Until tomorrow...I will be back with a much more upbeat post, I promise!