I don't talk much about my job here, and I plan to continue doing so given the nature of what I do and the confidentiality that goes along with it. Plus, there's just a level of unprofessionalism that comes along with just broadcasting information about your work. I just won't do it. But, lately, my mind has become occupied with questions on whether I am in the right field for me, whether my heart can take what I do much longer.
I've had to make tough decisions. Being a boss is tough. Some days I just feel so awful when I come home. I just want to hide. I know in my heart some of this does have to do with my post partum and everything that accompanies that. But at the same time, I look at all of my past legal jobs with the question of "have I ever been happy with any of them? Why not?" I question if there's something wrong with me in that I can't be happy. I know that everyone goes through rough times with their career, and I know that there is no way I'll be in a field where it's all rainbows and ponies every day. Tough days, tough weeks, hell, tough months happen. It's a given.
But at the same time, I'm only 31 years old. I have at least 31 more years left to work if not more than that. Do I really want to be unhappy that long? Or is this just a phase, and will it go away? Should I just ride the storm out? I simply don't know.
I feel sometimes like I can't walk away from what I do. I have a huge amount of student loan debt that comes along with going to law school. It seems like I would have wasted all of that money to not even use my degree for what it is intended. And I have a family to support. I have to keep my salary at where it is, if not higher. Living in a one-income household is simply not possible. Nor would me being at home. During my maternity leave, that drove me insane. I do need to be around people. I need to be busy. But, I don't know how much more I can handle the way I feel.
I hate that I'm just ranting on this post, but this is what is weighing on my mind. I really need to think on this, I know. And hopefully that answer will come sooner rather than later.
Have a very happy Halloween, everyone! I promise to come back with pictures of Miss Aubrey in her monkey outfit soon!