Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Soul searching

I don't talk much about my job here, and I plan to continue doing so given the nature of what I do and the confidentiality that goes along with it.  Plus, there's just a level of unprofessionalism that comes along with just broadcasting information about your work.  I just won't do it.  But, lately, my mind has become occupied with questions on whether I am in the right field for me, whether my heart can take what I do much longer.  
I've had to make tough decisions.  Being a boss is tough.  Some days I just feel so awful when I come home.  I just want to hide.  I know in my heart some of this does have to do with my post partum and everything that accompanies that.  But at the same time, I look at all of my past legal jobs with the question of "have I ever been happy with any of them?  Why not?"  I question if there's something wrong with me in that I can't be happy.  I know that everyone goes through rough times with their career, and I know that there is no way I'll be in a field where it's all rainbows and ponies every day.  Tough days, tough weeks, hell, tough months happen.  It's a given.
But at the same time, I'm only 31 years old.  I have at least 31 more years left to work if not more than that.  Do I really want to be unhappy that long?  Or is this just a phase, and will it go away?  Should I just ride the storm out?  I simply don't know. 
I feel sometimes like I can't walk away from what I do.  I have a huge amount of student loan debt that comes along with going to law school.  It seems like I would have wasted all of that money to not even use my degree for what it is intended.  And I have a family to support.  I have to keep my salary at where it is, if not higher.  Living in a one-income household is simply not possible.  Nor would me being at home.  During my maternity leave, that drove me insane.  I do need to be around people.  I need to be busy.  But, I don't know how much more I can handle the way I feel. 
I hate that I'm just ranting on this post, but this is what is weighing on my mind.  I really need to think on this, I know.  And hopefully that answer will come sooner rather than later. 
Have a very happy  Halloween, everyone!  I promise to come back with pictures of Miss Aubrey in her monkey outfit soon!

1 comment:

  1. To paraphrase the Vision talking to Captain America, "That is not an unreasonable task for a wise man." Just weigh it all, mix in some time. Be a lot easier without the "loan of Damocles" over your head, I'm sure.


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