So I'm having one of those weeks where I'm starting to lose faith. Seriously, it's tough. I keep going back to the "let go and let God" motto, but I have my days where I don't know how much of that can help at times. (Awful, isn't it?) I hate to be doubting myself like that, but yesterday specifically I just hit a wall where I was asking myself "really? can we get a break now?"
I don't talk about my job a ton on here, but I know I have some. I'm a director of a legal services agency, and we're a non-profit, which means we run solely on grants and donations. And the economy is down. And government is cutting back. And cutting back means programs get cut, which means funding gets cut, which means OUR funding gets cut, which means bad things for the agency. I hate that I've had to make job cuts since starting my position, but each year we lose more and more money. And we've recently hit quite a huge loss. Just when I thought I found a way to help dig us out of that big hole of funding cuts, I get a letter that "surprise! Another government grant has been cut!" I mean, what's another $30,000, right? I just wanted to put my head in my hands and cry because there is only so much that I can do. But it all rests on me, as the director, but...I can't make money just appear, you know? It's just a lot of pressure, and it breaks my heart because I don't want to see this fail. I don't want to let the people we help down, my staff down, my family down. The service we provide is so important and helps so many people. But I'm just one person. And things are coming up short. And at some point, it's out of my control.
And the news we're waiting on for T....we're still waiting. All we do is wait. We're supposed to hear something sometime, but seriously? How long can this take? I pray every morning and every night that we get some kind of answer - yes or no - at least an answer. And I keep telling myself to be patient, I can't make things happen when I want them to, they just have to happen in their own time. Well, it's too slow dammit. And patience is a virtue, but it is one that I just don't have.
So I need time to speed up and a decision to be made (vague, I know), and I need to come up with thousands of dollars for my agency. Where is my genie in a bottle?
I'm hoping my faith in humanity will be restored somewhat as we approach this weekend. I mean, it's my birthday, right? So I need to suck it up, buttercup, but for now? For now I just want a break.