It's been a rough week. It really has. I don't always get 100 percent personal on my blog...there have been a few occasions where I've truly opened up. It's most cathartic more than anything. I don't look for pity. I just look to write how I feel. This week I realized something that kills me inside, and it is so hard to admit. I've failed.
We bought my new car on Wednesday. The Saturn was dying. So after four hours at the dealer and haggling to get the price we wanted, I drove away in a red 2013 Chevy Cruze. I still have to get used to the fact that I'm actually driving a NICE car. I love it. But with a nice car, comes a nice car payment. Yes, we've negotiated it, but still....that Saturn was paid off, and this car now has a payment. Welcome back into the world of car loans. Yay.
So that brings me to the hard part. For the better part of three years, I have been honestly trying my best as a Mary Kay consultant. I'm no sales person by any means, and I'm not sure I made the wisest decision when I signed that contract. I joined the ranks of independent beauty consultants as a way to make extra money and pay off credit card debt from law school. It's pretty ironic. Why? Well, because all it did was create more debt. The thing they don't tell you when you sign that dotted line and get your $75 starter kit is that they pressure you to buy more and more inventory to really succeed. I will not in any way disclose how much that debt came to be, but I will admit that I kept it from T. Mostly because I was severely ashamed and freaking out. I finally told him. We took a loan out to pay off the credit card. But that involved a pretty hefty payment, one that I still couldn't meet. No one wants to host a party. No one wants to be pressured to buy stuff, and the only way you can really make money is by discounting, which in the end causes you to not make a profit at all.
I tried so hard. I really did. I bit off way more than I could chew because I'm already stretched thin enough with a job and a child, but I thought I could do it all. I'm a type A personality so failure was not an option. But yesterday I had a come to Jesus moment with T, and I have decided to quit. To walk away with my losses and we will work as a family to pay off the debt.
But I've failed. I started this venture thinking I'd be this successful person but I failed. Me, the person with a law degree, failed. Failed at selling makeup. How ridiculous does that even sound?
And in the process I lied to my husband. That is the part that hurts the most because I truly feel like I let him down. He is upset, and rightfully so, but we worked it out, and we will be able to pay this off over time. It'll involve huge sacrifices, but he has sworn we will make it work. We said for better or for worse, and we meant it. I just want to know I can regain his trust because I have no doubt that I caused some of that to erode away. I'd feel the same way.
Failure comes with a lot of guilt, shame and just an overall sense of defeat, and that's kind of where I am at the current moment. Not only have I failed my business, but I failed my family. And that's what sickens me the most.