This blog has been and always will be my place. A place for my thoughts, my feelings, and a way for me to express exactly what I'm feeling at the moment. And today? Today I am struggling.
I don't have the time to be struggling. I have so much to do at work, but I am.
I'm struggling with changes. I know no one could ever be prepared for what changes come with starting a family. I could have said all I wanted that I was prepared for it, but things change when a little one enters your life. Priorities change. Your schedule changes. Relationships adjust. You don't have time for certain activities. Everything is affected by your child. In good ways and bad ways. And it's quite the adjustment. It's been one for me, this I can definitely say.
But I never wanted anything more in my entire life. I've always wanted to be a Mom, ever since I "created" my family of Cabbage Patch dolls, playing family all the time. I was their Mom. I took care of them. I took them places with me. Hell, I had family portraits taken of us, if you believe that. Seriously, I have a picture of me and my children sitting in my bedroom as a family portrait. It's hilarious. I always knew I'd be a Mom. I have always wanted a family of my own.
However, I didn't know about what would change when Aubrey would come into my life. Becoming a mother has changed so much, and it has thrown me for a loop. It's changed my relationship with myself, to be honest. It's affected my relationship with T, in good ways as well as tough, not-so-good ways. It's affected my relationship with family. It's made me more distant from friends. Things have shifted. I realize as time passes, I'll get the hang of this Mom thing and certain things will fall back into place. But for now? I am struggling.
So my heart is heavy today. I'm not going to lie. So my blog post, my feelings, are a reflection of that. Sometimes I wish I had a magic wand, and I could make everything perfect. I know that's too much to ask, but a girl can wish. This does get easier right?
For right now, I need to give this to God. And let go and trust that it will all fall into place.