This week has been a long one. I've been all over the place, literally, and by literally I mean flying all over the place. I've been working non-stop, trying to write when I can, and trying to do everything I can in my power to do what I need to do to make a necessary change. Something has to change. And tonight, I find myself...discouraged. And well, there's no other way to put it - sad.
I feel like I'm missing out on something. I see so many people so happy in life and so fulfilled, and it feels like I can never get there. I'm always on the outside looking in. I have never really been happy at what I do. Not fully happy. I just get up, do what I need to do, and well...that's it.
This week I thought I had an opportunity to change that, but that opportunity didn't pan out. And now, on a Friday night as I sit here listening to T talk to his parents who are in town, I just want to sink into the couch and hide. What I wanted so badly didn't happen, and at the current moment, it's killing me.
I can't really go into it in too much detail. And it is what it is. The funny thing is....I wonder to myself sometimes if I'll ever find myself fulfilled and happy in my life's work? Or do I just need to find something that is enough to pay the bills? Is it really possible to be 100% happy with what you do? Or am I like others I know where I just wander from one thing to the next, thinking that I'll be happy with the next opportunity and never get there.
I'm sure I've confused the hell out of all of you out there. Suffice it to say tonight I'm in a bit of a dark place. I wish I could say something more than that. I wish I could paste a smile on my face and act like nothing is wrong with T's family here. I wish for once in my damn life I could just be and be happy just being. And I wish that things for just once would go my way. Just once.
Like I said, I'm sure I confused all of you out there, but I guess I'm just using my blog this evening as an outlet. Because right now I'm feeling like a failure. I know we all have those days, or maybe we don't. For those who don't - man, I envy you.
I could end this post with a swear word but I won't. I just try to place faith in the fact that maybe God does have a plan after all for me. I just wish I knew what it was, and I sure wish it were happening sooner.