This week has been a long one. I've been all over the place, literally, and by literally I mean flying all over the place. I've been working non-stop, trying to write when I can, and trying to do everything I can in my power to do what I need to do to make a necessary change. Something has to change. And tonight, I find myself...discouraged. And well, there's no other way to put it - sad.
I feel like I'm missing out on something. I see so many people so happy in life and so fulfilled, and it feels like I can never get there. I'm always on the outside looking in. I have never really been happy at what I do. Not fully happy. I just get up, do what I need to do, and well...that's it.
This week I thought I had an opportunity to change that, but that opportunity didn't pan out. And now, on a Friday night as I sit here listening to T talk to his parents who are in town, I just want to sink into the couch and hide. What I wanted so badly didn't happen, and at the current moment, it's killing me.
I can't really go into it in too much detail. And it is what it is. The funny thing is....I wonder to myself sometimes if I'll ever find myself fulfilled and happy in my life's work? Or do I just need to find something that is enough to pay the bills? Is it really possible to be 100% happy with what you do? Or am I like others I know where I just wander from one thing to the next, thinking that I'll be happy with the next opportunity and never get there.
I'm sure I've confused the hell out of all of you out there. Suffice it to say tonight I'm in a bit of a dark place. I wish I could say something more than that. I wish I could paste a smile on my face and act like nothing is wrong with T's family here. I wish for once in my damn life I could just be and be happy just being. And I wish that things for just once would go my way. Just once.
Like I said, I'm sure I confused all of you out there, but I guess I'm just using my blog this evening as an outlet. Because right now I'm feeling like a failure. I know we all have those days, or maybe we don't. For those who don't - man, I envy you.
I could end this post with a swear word but I won't. I just try to place faith in the fact that maybe God does have a plan after all for me. I just wish I knew what it was, and I sure wish it were happening sooner.
Work has been a basically unhappy thing since Adam got punished with weeds. Praise God for your job- and when you get the occasional happy, opportunity, praise Him more. Then go up to your father in law and say, "Pull my finger." You'll feel better. (Which is all my way of saying, chin up. If God closed the door, maybe you were knocking at the service entrance rather than the front door.)
ReplyDeleteI understand about being a dark place. Hope this Saturday rain isn't exacerbating your challenge. Sometimes one does wonder when does the sense of fulfilment kick-in? Unfortunately, sometime that may me never. Hope and pray that is not true for you.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I don't think I know one single person who is 100% happy. I know people who look that way on the outside, but really, inside, they're tortured. I know people who, based on what I see of their lives, I think they ought to be happy, but they're not. I guess all we can do is find something we enjoy, do it to the best of our abilities and try to find joy in the small things. Of course, easier said than done. Hope you're feeling better.
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