So Friday's post was a bit dark, but I was kind of in a dark place. I'm still stinging from rejection just a bit and mourning the picture I had in my head of what could be. You know you are in a dark place when you respond to someone saying that I should pray by saying "what would that even do?"....but I'm trying to see the bigger plan. Maybe that opportunity wasn't meant for me. Friday whenever someone said that I wanted to hit them, but it's possibly true. I have to keep hope. As hard as it is.
For the time being I'm trying to find the positive in life. I'm not going to lie...as of lately, I've found myself in a pretty dark place. I know I've been difficult to be around. I know that I'm not happy. Hell, the other day, T and I were watching The Soup on DVR and I was laughing pretty much the entire time. I looked at him and said "I can't remember the last time I laughed like that." And he said "neither can I."
Depression is tough. It just is. It's that thing that never goes away. You just learn to see the light through the clouds, and lately, I haven't been able to see that light at all. I'm not always the best person to see the light. But sometimes I need reminding to keep things in perspective. It's not my strong suit.
I am blessed, I know I am. I need to recognize it more often rather than seek out the things I want to change. So many of us do that, right? It has to be perfect. Sure, I have a beautiful family, wonderful husband, lovely house, my health, etc. But this part isn't perfect. So let me focus on that part for awhile. I think I have things a little out of perspective.
I'm not going to lie - I'm still kind of focusing on that part that isn't making me happy. But I'm going to try to focus on the things that matter so much more than that. And try just a little harder to see that light through the clouds.
Those dark places and darker feelings are so hard to explain to others. I think one reason they are so hard to explain is because we are certain that everyone else in our lives has "it" all figured out. I have to remind myself that they probably don't.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't matter what we have in our lives; those dark times come in despite our circumstances. I've known people who really should be cowering in a corner because life has been so hard on them and yet they shine. I've known others who should be skipping around the block because their life is so fabulous and yet they are the ones cowering in the corner.
Who determines how we should be acting or feeling? Society says, "you have a great career, you have a beautiful daughter, and a wonderful husband. You should* be happy." Sadly that message is given to many women, not just you, and even sadder is that many of us buy that message whole cloth.
Sometimes we cannot pinpoint why we are in those dark places. Sometimes we think we can but when we look at that why in the light of day, we realize it isn't the reason we are there. Sometimes our hearts are heavy, our thoughts are dark, and we just can't break that cycle. Sometimes we are stuck.
Do you have a trusted friend who will listen without judging or advising? Do you have a counselor you can talk to? Occasionally, that is all we need. Sometimes we need something more. If you haven't lately, you might want to talk to your family doctor or your OB about how you've been feeling. There could be a physical reason.
In the meantime, I will be praying for you. You have my email if you wanna chat.
♥ Lily-thinking thoughts
<3
ReplyDeleteI understand completely.