Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Stupid dreams....

I am not a big fan of those dreams, normally pretty bad ones, where you wake up and wonder if what you dreamt about was really real.  I had a ton of them during my pregnancy....me losing the baby, me dying during the C-section...these are never really rational dreams, but I don't think you could say dreams are, by nature, rational. 
I had one of the absolutely worst ones I could ever have on Saturday night.  I'm not sure why but the only dreams I ever really remember are the bad ones.  I'm sure I have good ones, but nope, all I remember are the bad ones, and the truly bad ones are so vivid.  This one was one of those. 
In my dream, I had cancer.  My human body in the dream was just a wreck, I was so sick, so thin, and in the dream, I had like days or weeks to live.  Aubrey was the same age that she is now, and I had to say good bye to her and come to terms with all of the things I wouldn't get to experience with her growing up.  I watched as T's brother and sister-in-law played with their daughter, thinking "I'll never get to do this with Aubrey."  I woke up shortly before I "died" in my dream but after I broke down kissing my girl. 
Wonderful dream, right? 
What the hell is wrong with me?
So of course, after waking up, I immediately went into Aubrey's room to check on her.  She was soundly asleep.  I kissed her forehead and went to sleep.  Twenty minutes later she woke up and cried for the next 45 minutes while I tried everything in my power to soothe her.  Mom fail. 
But wouldn't you have done the same thing?  I'm going to try to not read into this dream.  I know dreams usually stand for something or whatever, but I'm going to say this one was just a fluke and stands for absolutely nothing.  And that I'm not going anywhere and will be with my little girl for a good long time.  But don't think I wasn't hugging and kissing all over her on Sunday. 
Stupid dreams....


  1. Oh, wow, that dream was vivid! I think I read somewhere that we remember bad dreams more often because we wake up in the middle of them, but if you keep sleeping and go into the next sleep phase, you don't remember the dream. My husband thinks he doesn't dream, but I think he just doesn't remember them!

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  3. So I am thinking that I will read into this for you - I think you need to take care of you, not by running per say but by giving yourself TIME, taking care of the you inside. I also think you are getting an answer to some of your big questions lately - it's not always what we want or thought we wanted, but it sounds like your subconscious knows what the best thing to do for now is. I say for now because these kiddos do age, with that things will adjust. Oh, and you got this!

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