Nain vs. hose

Last Friday, I had a fight with our garden hose and lost. There is a reason I don't do gardening or yard work. I suck at it, and badly, too. But we had a few days last week where it was really dry with no rain, so our flowers were looking a little puny. I worked from home last Friday, and T asked me really nicely to water the flowers if possible so they wouldn't die. My basil was looking like it was knocking on death's door, so I had to do it and had to do it soon.


So I took a break around lunchtime from working and headed outside to water the plants. I starting pulling out the hose. We have the thing wrapped around one of those stands you can get at Home Depot...even though I'm positive I'm calling it the wrong thing. (And equally positive T is laughing at my description right now)  But you get the picture. Anyway, I pull the hose out and try to get as much pulled as I think will reach around from the side of our house where the faucet is to the front porch area, where the flowers are. I turn on the water and test the hose to see if the water pressure is enough. As I'm hauling this huge line of hose to the front of our house, I get the bright idea that maybe I shouldn't just water the flowers, but I should get the new sprinkler we bought a couple of weeks ago and still haven't used. It's not a fancy sprinkler, just one of those $10 ones that goes back and forth like a wave. I know T wouldn't want to use that much water, but the plants were pretty dry, and I didn't want them to die over the weekend while we were gone. So I decide that I can do this, and I go get the sprinkler out of the garage.   I was going to prove something to myself and to T that I could handle this. 

Now I'm no idiot. I knew I needed to shut the water off before taking the hose apart and hooking it to the sprinkler, and I thought I did just thought. Righty tighty, lefty loosey, right? So I turn the handle as far right as I can go, and I proceed to take the spray nozzle off of the hose. However, the hose is wet, and I can't get a good grip. So I go inside, get a piece of paper towel to grip the hose. I come back, my flip flops slipping all over the place by now because they're so wet, and I grip the paper towel to the hose and start twisting the spray nozzle as hard as I can. I am woman, hear me roar.

But guess what? Um, the water's not off all the way! Squirts of water start spraying in my eyes from between the hose and the spray nozzle. I try to turn the handle on the faucet even more to the right, but it won't budge. What gives? But by this time, I'm determined. This nozzle is coming off. Water or no water. I've come this far, I can't stop now. So here I am, twisting the hell out of my hose, trying my best to get the nozzle loose. But as it gets more and more loose, more and more water is spraying at me from all different directions. I give up, and reach back towards the faucet, using the now wet paper towel to twist the handle as far right as possible, and it actually budges even more and I hear the water shutting off. My hair now soaking wet, I manage to get the spray thingie off of the hose. HA! Step one complete.

Step two. How do I hook the hose to the sprinkler? From what I can tell, you screw the two together. So I put the sprinkler in between my knees to hold it still and aim the hose at the most logical place to screw in a hose. I can't get a good grip, and I drop the sprinkler at least 3 times. So I decide to pull the hose back with me to the front porch and sit on the porch until I get the damn thing hooked to the sprinkler. After a few tries, I have success. Yes!

Now, I just need to set this puppy up. I estimate how far back the sprinkler needs to be from the flowers, and I go turn it on. The stupid flip flops are still slipping off my feet from being fully drenched so this makes walking quite difficult. I turn the hose back on, and I head back around the house to check on the aim of the sprinkler. Sadly, the thing isn't watering the plants. No, it's watering my house. Damn, this thing reaches far. So I pull it back and try to get it a little farther back so that it hits the flowers. However, this is one of those sprinklers that goes back and forth so by the time I get to it, it is spraying directly in my face. I pull it back a few feet, and that seems to do the trick, but then I realize that my hanging basket on the porch isn't getting wet. So I run for the porch, slipping, of course, and get the basket off of the hook. I'm 5'1", so reaching for a basket hanging about 7 feet high takes a few minutes, and by the time I finally get it loose, the sprinkler has hit me an additional two or three times. Finally, I get all plants within reach of the sprinkler, and I head back to the house. However, the inside of the garage door is a little wet from my watering the house, so I slip, yet again, falling into the trunk of my car.

I feel like I should have had music playing in the background ala Charlie Chaplin. Seriously if my neighbors were watching, it probably was entertaining, I'm sure. As soon as I get in the house, I send T a text: "Got into a fight with the hose, and I lost." I then call him and inform him, he needs to get the hose when he gets home. That's the last time I play with yard work!