The world of online dating

Last week, I participated in a rather interesting discussion, started by Erin at Life of Ann James on Blog Frog, about online dating. She was posing a question since one of her friends is looking into online dating, and she wanted to know the pros and cons of the whole thing. Having dealt with online dating in my past, I gave a little input, but as we started conversing back and forth, I realized, "Man, I have a lot to say on this topic! Maybe I should write a post on it!"

As you all probably know (or some of you may not know), I met my husband-to-be on an online dating site, Catholicmatch.com.  Side note:  I hate telling people that because I worry that we'll get judged for meeting each other online. There is a stigma of "oh, so you couldn't meet a man on your own, you had to resort to the Internet out of desperation?" kind of thing that is oftentimes, and unfairly so, associated with online dating. My response is that it's no different than meeting a total stranger through a set up with friends or at a bar. In fact, in online dating, you get the chance to really get to know the person before you even meet him or her. You just have to be smart about it and be realistic. Just because you signed up for eharmony, and the commercials guarantee you a perfect match does not necessarily mean you will find that perfect person. Sometimes it's all a matter of luck and timing.

I've had several encounters with online dating, I'm afraid to admit. It started in law school when I joined match.com. Actually I've been on match several times, but this was the first time. I did date a guy on there for awhile (a little shy of 8 months). He was alright, kind of weird, a little clingy and cried a lot. Definitely not my type. (I'm not into criers.)  So it wasn't a match made in heaven. I did try match.com again post-law school. I met two different guys there. The first one was a total player. I thought he was one of those really sweet funny guys but nope, it turns out he was out for that one thing most guys are out for. (Try and guess what that is...)  So yeah...that didn't work out. The second guy, I wasn't completely sold on when I met him, but I gave him a chance mostly because I wasn't getting too many bites. The ones I were getting were from guys who saw I was an attorney and thought "Cha-ching!" in their minds. I was with this guy for 8 months, and things were....ok. We said we loved each other, but now that I know what REAL love is like, it's hard to compare that to how I feel now.  BUT, it turns out he was still on match.com while we were together and still talking with other girls. I had no clue, and when I did find out, it broke my heart.  Lesson to learn from match.com...some of those people on there are totally NOT single. Some are just jerks. Enough said.

Fed up with that, I tried myspace for awhile. I didn't outwardly try it or use it as a means to find a man, but someone emailed me on myspace and I thought "why not?" This one was a real smooth talker...thought a whole lot of himself and thought the whole world should, too. Turns out myspace is also a breeding ground for the stalker/crazy types. Maybe not all of them, but in my case...yes, yes he was. A month into dating, I figured this out, a little too late, but I figured it out. I quickly deleted that myspace account because, yeah, I don't need any more crazies in my life. I have enough, thank you.

I have had friends try the eharmony site, some with success, some not. The trick about that is you have to fill out an eharmony profile to find compatible matches. They do ask a lot of questions about your ideal mate, and personally, I'm not sure I know how to answer that question. Up until I met T, I didn't really have an ideal mate in mind. There wasn't a blank for "someone who isn't like the other losers I dated?" So if you don't answer the questions correctly you may or may not get matched up with people who really don't match your personality. It's a tough one. But that isn't to say the site isn't without success. It's a little more reputable, in my opinion, than others. 

I chose the Catholicmatch.com site because my faith is something that is very important to me, and honestly, I wanted to find someone who shared my values and beliefs and was just an all-around good guy. That, and I have to be honest when I say I thought for sure I'd find a lot less creepy stalker guys on this site than others. I was totally right, too. The guys on this site were a lot nicer, more sincere and really genuinely looking for a life partner rather than just another conquest.

All of this being said, a lot of what you put into online dating really revolves around judgment. Don't take someone at face value. Don't assume that everything they tell you at first or on their profile is the real truth.  Really get to know them before you let them in, because what they say about themselves online quite possibly could just be for show. Also, a lot of it truly does have to do with timing. T and I happened to join the site within weeks of each other. Had one of us joined at a different point in time, we would never have met. It was purely chance, or fate, if you will. And, please, take it slow. T and I communicated via email for about a month and then phone conversation for 2 weeks before we met at a neutral location, in broad daylight and during the week. We were smart about it, and it really worked out for us in the end.

So, if you are thinking about online dating, I say go for it! Definitely research your options and think about what you want to get out of it, but it can be an excellent resource for those of us who aren't about trolling the bars to meet a guy and don't just have a whole slew of guy friends at our beck and call. Also, please try to think a little higher of yourself when starting out.  Don't think that just because you can't find any matches the first few weeks/months you do it that you should just take the first thing that comes along.  Really look for quality first.  Some of my tips may not apply to you, but from someone who got a whole lot out of the experience, I say the most important thing is to go with your gut. And be careful, too! (that's the maternal instinct in me, sorry)

So thanks, Erin, for inspiring me to talk about this and for a lively discussion on Blog Frog!